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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Marriage

21 replies

Hattie19 · 11/01/2019 07:15

So this has taken me a lot of sleepless nights building the courage to write this down I guess i can't face it so IV avoid it . I really don't want to be judged I don't really know what I'm looking for kind words advice maybe . Married we have children it's been a decade so lots of history there . He tells me I'm his world makes me so smile I feel so in love with him . Then a year ago I went out it's a rare occasion I came home little bit drunk he didn't like it the next day we argued . He has a evil temper and refuses to let anything thing go so I knew right away I was in for a hell of a few days . So he kicks off so badly I had to call my girlfriend to get me out the house . So I come back later on hoping he would of calmed but no he starts saying how I have no friends how he should teach me a lesson etc etc so I said in retaliation ' I have got friends and she think I should take my kids and go from you ' now she didn't say that I was just angry and snapped so then a few days later I'm begging him to just stop let it go and he tells me I have a choice I continue my friendship with my best friend or I can stay married . He made me feel so bad I'd choose her over him so for 6months I was broken as I had to ignore my friend secret chats etc he would call me a snake everytime I spoke to her . I asked his permission before Christmas to go see her and her baby to gift swap he said yes but I don't want to know don't ever mention her name in this house . So few weeks later and it's yesterday I went to her house while kids were at school I came home very happy he asked were I'd be I didn't want to lie so I told the truth and he went mental called me a snake a dirty little bitch whore etc etc im so so hurt I asked his permission I shouldn't of had to but I did and he said yes so why did he kick off so much ? He goes to work tells me he never loved me was all a lie sex was crap he has cheated then I was getting messages for hours saying ' whore ' die ' please die bitch ' saggy body ' etc then he unfriends me online tells me IL not know what he's getting up to he's getting over me quick now . He literally did this out of no where we have been so happy for ages and boom this . I guess I just dont know what to do . Do I let all this settle and tip toe around untill he might be ok . Or do I leave ? I'm so so hurt my head is torn my heart is torn I don't know what to do I feel so stupid but strong but not strong when he's around . But just wanting to be happy but not wanting to be treated like that ...I know that's really long I just needed to get it all out ! I should also say this was a year ago it's so minor and stupid but he won't let it go .

OP posts:
Hattie19 · 11/01/2019 07:19

Also know one else friends or family knows about this I could never tell them I'm too embarrassed to admit I failed in my marriage at such a young age . I'm always smiling and saying how happy we are fakeing everything I can't do it anymore I want to tell my friends talk to them but scared he will find out and stop me from seeing them

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 11/01/2019 07:23

I think his behavior and language sounds inexcusable.

I suggest you give him the ultimatum, not allow it to be on the other foot any longer. Either he agrees to let bygones be bygones and does exactly that or it is time for you to go.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 11/01/2019 07:23

He is abusing you. You need to leave.

WhoPooped · 11/01/2019 07:25

You need to leave. This is emotional abuse and he is a bully!
Please get yourself and your children away from him xx

Aria2015 · 11/01/2019 07:29

Leave him. You shouldn't have to get permission to see a friend and if your dh doesn't like them (my dh doesn't like a couple of my friends) he should love you enough to understand that if you get something positive from a friendship then that's a good thing. My dh would never chastise me (or in your case abuse me) for seeing someone they didn't like. He's trying to control you and no amount of 'good' can counter then bad behaviour he's displaying. Where will it stop? What if he decides he doesn't like your family or other friends? Soon you'll be cut off from everyone - which is what I suspect he wants so he can be in complete control. This is not what a marriage should be like. You mention you're young - don't waste your life with someone like this. It isn't right and it's not normal.

VikingVolva · 11/01/2019 07:29

I think you should contact Women's Aid

www.womensaid.org.uk

You cannot keep living like that, but you may need to plan carefully what you do.

Hattie19 · 11/01/2019 07:31

You know that old rhyme when there good there very very good but when there bad there horrid ..that's my life right now I never know which person I'm going to get I have to choose my words carefully when approaching somthing . But then there's every other day where he is amazing he is a fab dad I can't deny that . And for say 60 percent of the time he's fab and were so happy we get on so well like I said together ten years only Monday did he say how much he loves me leaving notes before I go to work etc . I'm worried if I leave and make that decision I will of ruined my family unit ruined my childrens lives ruin any chance of having a family unit again . I'm just such a confused mess lol

OP posts:
MissingGeorgeMichael · 11/01/2019 07:31

I asked his permission before Christmas to go see her

This is not a healthy relationship. A man who loves and respects you would not abuse you so badly and cut off your friends from you let alone create a situation where you have to ask his 'permission' to see a friend.

You are being abused. My only words of advice would be ask for a divorce. He sounds an incredibly nasty man, full of hatred and vindictiveness. Ask yourself, do you want your children growing up with his behaviour as a role model of how a loving man / father should act?

Hattie19 · 11/01/2019 07:33

I'm 26 I have three children I guess I'm scared to admit I failed in this and will be a single mother of three it's scary and daunting I think

OP posts:
Hattie19 · 11/01/2019 07:35

No I really don't I want them to see me be strong so my daughter knows it's not ok to be treated like that and my son's know it's not ok . I guess in a way my fear and selfishness of not wanting to fail is a big thing :(

OP posts:
SoupOnMyTableNowSir · 11/01/2019 07:40

Better to be a single mother of three than put up with that type of abuse.

Everyone would totally understand why you left if you showed them the text messages.

The personal attacks and you having to ask permission is unacceptable behaviour. It is rude and cruel. Your children should never have to witness it. Don't hide his behaviour from others, he is relying on you promoting the bullshit story that he is wonderful. He is not.

He is trying to control you. Contact Women's Aid today. You deserve so much more than this.

bagpiss · 11/01/2019 07:43

Op this is one of the most awful things I've read lately 💐💐
You may worry about failing a marriage but maybe think about failing your children more, please don't put them through this. Hope you can get help, Would your friend be able to help, tell her everything.

bluesaturday · 11/01/2019 07:43

LEAVE LEAVE LEAVE it will only get worse. Do you want your children to grow up in an abusive home seeing daddy being mean to mummy. Do you have anywhere you could go? X

wendywoopywoo222 · 11/01/2019 07:44

Your not failing. He is. Please leave with your children to protect them from him. He has shown you who he is and it would be dreadful for your kids to grow up to think this behaviour is normal. Do you want your son to to be the kind of man who would treat a woman like this? Talk to your freinds and family, they probably have a good idea what he is like. It's not easy to leave an abusive man but it is worth it. Good luck.

GrandmaJane · 11/01/2019 07:47

Get free of your abuser. Please.

Hattie19 · 11/01/2019 07:53

I'm crying reading all your responses I needed to read these words of encouragement and support thank you all so much . I'm going to drop my children to school and meet my friend and be truthful about it all I can't hold back any longer I have duty to set a example I know that . I just done feel strong or confident to do it

OP posts:
LuckyLou7 · 11/01/2019 07:53

Leave him. You've been with him since you were 16, you don't know any different. There are decent men out there, men who won't only be nice to you 60% of the time. He's not a good man. Do you want your children to grow up thinking the way he treats you is normal?

IDismyname · 11/01/2019 08:07

Start opening up to your friends and family and let them know what’s been going on. Many of them would have guessed by now anyway- you’d be surprised!

I agree with the others that you must make plans to leave. Soon.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 11/01/2019 08:24

I just done feel strong or confident to do it

Very few people do. It is scary, frightening, worrying well loads of emotions but it will be for the best.

Aria2015 · 11/01/2019 08:25

You're doing the right thing op. Lean in your friends and family and they'll see you through. He's failing you and your family, not the other way around. It's no good been nice some of the time of the rest of the time he's like this. How's he behaving is totally unforgivable and like o said before, counters any good.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 11/01/2019 08:46

You are doing the right thing. This is no way to live and it will only escalate.
You are strong and can do this. You and your children deserve to be happy.

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