Always Stressed around DH and so is he

[Applecora]

We have three children and this problem definitely intensified around their arrival. In think. It's getting to the point where I can't remember if it was always like this though, I suspect it was to some degree but pre-kids it was easier to ignore.
Just a constant feeling of stress when we're together. He is stressed, I am stressed. I wouldn't say I'm walking on egg shells but I feel I pick up a lot on his stress and vice versa. To the point where, helpful as it is to have 2 adults parenting, it's almost easier on my own as I feel I'm very sensitive to his huffing and puffing and constant low level exasperation with the kids. He is very noise sensitive and I am sensitive in general - I feel personally got at when he's annoyed with the kids.
Just wondering to what extent this is normal. I feel no joy whatsoever at the prospect of family outings but I'm also not sure if I'm not depressed generally. Or if it's a case of being with the wrong person.

My stbxh was exactly like that! There is a whole bigger story (not really relevant to the post). But he was ALWAYS stressed ALWAYS his stress transferred onto me me and it made parenting really hard!! Come to think of it he was always a stress head but it became a lot worse once we had children.
Is there a bigger picture? there was for me. Its normal to feel some degree of stress when the children are young but not all the time! There could be any amount of reasons why hes like have you chatted to him about it??

Thanks for your reply. There is a bigger story, yes.
For a start I feel sometimes like I railroaded him into having kids, certainly the third was a total surprise. So that's always in the back of my mind too. He doesn't say it, but he's very much put upon, never seems proud of them, glad we have them really.
I am stressed with him generally, the bigger picture there is to do with his floundering career, which he is in denial about. And a total unwillingness to discuss it, or discuss anything really.
All in all, our communication is very unsatisfying for me, he doesn't engage at all really and with all the commotion and demands of having children, it's too easy to not address anything (this suits him, he doesn't want to communicate) and push our issues to one side...
I see other families out and about and the parents always seem a bit more like a team? Complicity.
I think we have lost our way. There is love but so many problems.

Have you thought about marriage guidance counselling op?

Yes. I have considered counselling. I don't know why I'm reluctant. I'm scared we will totally unravel in there.
I also know it'll be a battle to get him to come and I'm so tired of pushing pushing pushing....
He'll probably come but only if he thinks I might call time otherwise. Which I might.
I do feel really flat about it all. He knows this but just assumes I'll get over it. I can't shake the feeling that we're not like the other couples now, not like the other families. There is a big disconnect.

Thanks for your reply.

Is him being stressed effecting your relationships? does it make it hard for you to socialise as a family? or to have people over?
Is he stressy with other people?
My stbxh was always very unpredictable, he could fall out with anyone!! He was so stressy that it made everything difficult. At the time i felt as if he was stressed at work so just continued trying to support him. Once he had left me i realised that it was more connected to him being self obsessed and disconnected to life in general. Being stressed was just one small part of it. FAmily life was pretty much none existent, we never went out and about as he wasn't interested. He just sucked the joy out of life. Hes also just a very difficult and complicated character.
I feel for you i really do.

Thanks, there are echoes in what you say. He's not unpredictable so much as he will slate the company after we leave/ after they leave. So again, I'm absorbing that.
He also never wants to make plans or see people or go anywhere in the first place, or rather he leaves it to the last minute to make plans, I never know what we're doing. So we either do nothing or I feel like I've made us do something, which I feel he is then low level negative about and I am defensive. Never once will he think anything I've suggested is a good idea, although he will deny this if challenged. He is a homebody and anything we do, beyond sitting at home, he gives off a feint air of being dragged into it against his will. It's exhausting.
As I say, it was easier to ignore pre-kids. But now a day out can be more stressful than before, costs more, the stakes are higher, just a big deal.
I can't tell where his stress ends and mine starts.

He is not stressy with other people. In fact he comes across as really laidback and relaxed and I'm seen as the go-getter. It's a strange mix. He happens to have really high blood pressure too, but people would be surprised to hear that, he always seems so relaxed. Maybe the word I'm looking for isn't stressy so much as negative.

Hmm. Negative sounds more like it. Actually sounds a bit like my ex - I ended up feeling absolutely drained by him. I think it comes down to him having a fundamentally selfish and self-absorbed way of looking at things.

Having children is stressful. The problem is your DH thinks he is entitled set the atmosphere in your family and not to make an effort for the team.

It’s spooky reading your posts as they could be me, if fact if I showed them to my husband he’d think I’d written them. He is exactly the same, although also drinks a lot, is on antidepressants although thinks he shouldn’t be, and has no awareness of how miserable he seems. I have come to the end of it, I’m drained by it. We tried counselling but he is very resistant and doesn’t think he needs to be anything different, and I should just be more accepting. I’m done with accepting a mood hoover, I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

Thanks all. A Mood Hoover is a good description. Draining for sure. It doesn't help that I am probably someone who really values/ needs recognition and praise and he is allergic to such nonsense. I'm not sure what we even talk about sometimes, the weather maybe. We don't have a plan, just bumbling along. Hmmmm I have some thinking to do.