The mess I'm in

[GoingAndGoing]

I've been married for 17 years. We have 4 dc. We married as soon as I turned 18, he's 12 years older than me.

My dh is kind, caring and a loving father. We have had more than our share of ups and downs. Dh moved to the UK from Canada to be with me here around 16 years ago. He says he feels lonely and unsupported by me. I ask what he would like me to do, nothing concrete comes out of it, we go round in circles. Over the last 2 years he's said he wants to end it several times. He usually turns around and says he wants to stay together after a few days.

The last time this happened before Christmas, he insisted on making plans to separate and make sure the dc are ok. I didn't have the emotional energy to even address this. He backtracked a week later.
I then looked up my ex and we started talking.

I told my dh I'd done this and my ex wanted to meet up. Dh said I was free to do whatever I wanted but there would be obvious repercussions for us and he'd rather I stayed with him.

I don't know why I started speaking with someone I was in a relationship with at aged 16. I think I felt lonely and wanted some attention, some understanding, something not connected to my mess of a life right now.

I stopped talking to my ex and decided my marriage was not worth throwing away over some stupid fantasy. But I keep thinking about my ex. I spoke to him a few times again.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I'm confused, very low, exhausted. I've booked some short term counselling to try and sort my head out. I don't even know why I'm posting.

I don't know what I want to happen.

Whatever else you do you have to go cold turkey on the ex OP, he's just one more complication in an already complicated situation. The counselling is a great idea, space for yourself where you can work out what you actually want is exactly what you need.

I do understand the need for an outlet or distraction though, you're miserable and it all feels too much so I can see why talking to the ex is attractive. It won't help though, it will just confuse you more and you need to sort out the situation with your marriage before you even think about what comes next or you risk making bad choices and could end up even more miserable.

I hope the counselling helps and there's lots of support here too if you need it, talk to us too if it helps

It sounds as if you're in married limbo, so not surprising you have made a skewed judgement re your ex. If you and your h want to work things out perhaps couples counselling could help?
It's horrible living with such uncertainty, I hope you can get some clarity somehow

Your dh is keeping you in limbo so it’s hardly surprising you looked elsewhere for some attention.

But you do need to go cold turkey in your ex and sort out your marriage. It sounds like it’s dead in the water tho.

Thanks for your replies. Limbo feels about right. Although I seem to be made to feel in the wrong for being so head messed and not knowing what I want or what I'm doing.

We went to couple's counselling a few years ago, a few months after one of the "I'm leaving you" spells. It helped in that we knew we still loved each other and a lot of the issues seemed to stem from trying to cope with work, kids, parents etc. We're both studying for higher degrees as well which only adds to the long 'to do' list.

I think the conversations with the ex are shattering my self esteem right now. He's free to do as he pleases, wants to see me but obviously within the context of his free and easy life. I don't know why I'm still engaging with him. I think I just want a connection somewhere. I'm trying to give myself a talking to and be logical. It doesn't seem to work at the moment, I've had the stuffing knocked out of me.

It sounds like you have a yen for simpler, more carefree times before you met your DH and had children.

It's not surprising and makes total sense. You met very young and sound like you quickly settled in to a very adult kind of life together. I was only a couple of years younger than you when I bought my first house and had my first child.

I echo the poster that suggested counselling. It might give you the space that you need to work out what this is really about, what you are looking for and if there's a way to find it with your DH.