Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do i explain things to dh....

16 replies

wurlywurly · 29/06/2007 09:41

I do love dh more then anything but i do feel like things have changed between us, Something happened that I dont want to go into and we haven contemplated seperating but that not what either of us want

I do feel that I am mostly the problem, i just dont know how to sit and talk to him anymore. Its almost like i dont wnt to burden him with my problems as he has enough of his own and work problems without mione as well. He is very good to me and yet i feel like i push him away all the time.

I constantly feel like i'm carrying around this big black cloud and the only way to get rid of it all is well you know, cant even bring myself to say the word but have contemplated it more then a few times.

Any advice would be great

OP posts:
lulumama · 29/06/2007 09:43

I think it is really important you sort out your depression before you make any decision to seperate from DH....I know you said you don;t want to go on ADs, but there are other things you can do to tackle this... you should not make any decisions that are so integral to your life whilst you are in this dark place..does DH know that you are very low?

NotQuiteCockney · 29/06/2007 09:43

Is therapy an option? If you don't want to talk to your DH about things, maybe you could try talking to a paid professional? If you are indeed contemplating what you seem to be, getting professional help is a must, anyway, for your sake, your DH's sake, and the sake of your kids.

WaynettaSpice · 29/06/2007 09:44

Oh God wurly........I've seen that you've been down on a few threads, but please please you need to talk to SOMEONE, even if it's not your DH. Have you had any counselling?
Sorry I can't be more helpful - am rubbish at this.....

HappyDaddy · 29/06/2007 10:38

Stoppit, right now. DH loves you, your children love you, they don't want you gone.

I agree with the trying some more therapy angle, you wont be "burdening" dh and you can get to see a lot of things from a new perspective.

BandofMuggles · 29/06/2007 10:42

You may find he will give you the support you need if you burden him, after all, he loves you and he will want to try to help you.
Imagine what he would be thinking if you did what you've been thinking, "If only she'd come to me first, I could've helped if only she'd talked to me about it...." etc

Give him more credit, let him decide if it's too much for him, give him the chance to help, and if you are having councelling be honest, unburden yourself in there, that is what they are for.
Life is worth living, don't let your kids grow up not knowing you.

HappyDaddy · 29/06/2007 10:50

You may feel that your life contributes nothing, or something along those lines. My dad died when I was 6, I'm now 34 and I STILL miss knowing him.

Being around for your children is the best contribution anyone's life can make.

Original poster
wurlywurly · 29/06/2007 10:53

thanks hd just feel like ive screwed things up. gonna go swimming when he gets home from work.

OP posts:
HappyDaddy · 29/06/2007 10:54

You haven't screwed anything up.

Enjoy your swim and let it clear your mind. Stop worrying so much.

BandofMuggles · 29/06/2007 10:57

Taking time for you will make you feel more like yourself, and not someone's mum too.
Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is really hard. I feel like the biggest failure since having kids, whereas before nothing I did really mattered as much as it does now.
I have really realised how selfish I want to be, but can't as I don't come first anymore, and somedays I just don't want it. The responsibility that never ends, but i have it and I have to get on with it.
We all have to do the best we can and stop beating ourselves up over every little failure, instead start congratulating ourselves for every victory.

HappyDaddy · 29/06/2007 11:52

BoM, that's it. Look at your children, happy and healthy and realise they are like that due to you looking after them.

Of course, when they are older, they wont appreciate it!

BandofMuggles · 29/06/2007 11:56

It is so easy to make DD1 (3 1/2) happy, little things make her beam, but I get so bogged down in the crap in my life that I forget to give her those little things. Then I look at her face, and her big brown beautiful eyes and realise that she is the most important and brilliant thing that I hve ever donewith my life and she makes it worth living.
Wurly, you are a worthwhile person and you are the most important person in your dc's lives.

warthog · 29/06/2007 12:36

i would write it down first. that'll help consolidate things. then see if you can talk to him. he will appreciate honesty, because you can try to resolve things then. if you feel you can't talk to him, write him a letter.

Original poster
wurlywurly · 29/06/2007 14:25

right he came home from work, i talked, he listen, I cried, he hugged me, things are ok.

I agree I do need counselling, just dont want to be on AD's feels like my head is screwed up enough without them too. He understands that i have times when i dont wnt to do anything and that even getting out of bed is a chore that I cant face. Will call gp monday morning and start things moving.

Thanks all.

OP posts:
TimeForMe · 29/06/2007 16:12

HI

If you don't want to go on AD's would you consider giving a more natural supplement a try?

I take 5htp and st johns wort and they really did lift me from a dark place, without taking over my head. I still am taking them and they work just great.

Good luck with everything, I hope you manage to get sorted, it's not a nice place to be is it? I'm pleased your DH listened as is there for you xx

Original poster
wurlywurly · 29/06/2007 17:46

thanks TFM will look into them.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 01/07/2007 10:33

Sorry to come late onto this thread. I'm not trying to persuade you to take ADs, just relating my experience so you aren't afraid if your GP feels this is the right way forward. By all means say no if you don't want to, but on the basis of full information rather than uninformed fear.

I dreaded the idea of ADs for ages - I'm so anti-drug I rarely even take an aspirin. I was very strongly recommended to try ADs by the medical adviser at work, so reluctantly gave it a go. I've been on Citalopram for five or six weeks now and it has really helped. I still feel like "me", in fact more like the old "me" I recognise than the sobbing, self-hating creature I had become (yes, I contemplated that word you don't want to say too). I even smile spontaneously at cute babies, laugh and make jokes again now, as I hadn't done for, oh, I can't say how long, at least a couple of years I think. My STBXH still irritates the life out of me, but I no longer feel an urgent need to punch him or throw things, which would do my case for shared child access no good at all. The emotions are still happening in a damped down way, but I'm not controlled by them; and of course the practical problems haven't gone away either, but I'm so much more able to relax, wave a casual hand at the annoying so-and-so, and say "Whatever..." Drives him crazy!

The way a friend put it was "it enables you to see the wood from the trees". And for me it has. Mind you not everyone finds them suitable, but I'd say, don't be afraid to give it a try. If it doesn't work for you, ah well, failed experiment, back to the herbal remedies, which can be very good - and for goodness' sake DO get the counselling. But the right ADs in the right dose won't turn you into a zombie, honest. They're only chemicals after all, just like the parts of the herbs that work.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page