Can someone help me understand my mum....

[Welshcakes0]

Long story but my mum has always been emotionally unavailable and quite a selfish person. She left my dad for someone else. That someone else was just awful, resulting in emotional abuse and emotional neglect. I won't go into detail but mine and my siblings upbringing has massively impacted on our adult life. I have emotionally dealt with it (taken so so long but Im getting there) but my brother really struggles with his mental health and has had a chaotic lifestyle with absolutely no clue how to be happy.
About 5 years ago my mum left him and has dated in between, she can't be happy alone. When she has been on her own we see alot of her. Me and my dd's are on our own and I'm a student nurse so it's a struggle. She has taken us on holiday and she joins us on days out etc. If she wants to eat out or go somewhere she offers to pay as she knows I cant afford it and she doesn't want to go alone. I can't afford to take her anywhere so I cook etc and invite her over, visit so she is not alone etc. When she is not single we don't see her and she holidays, eats out etc with whoever she is with. This is fine and I want her to be happy.
She has has 3 partners in the last 5 years. She drops absolutely everything for these guys. Her choice I know. Whatever makes her happy. This new guy, she moved in with him after about 6 weeks. They have been together about 6 months. The pattern of not seeing her didn't take long. My mum hates Christmas (been single at Christmas) and Christmas just gone she said she is excited about it (not single) even though we didn't see her until she asked to drop my dd's presents over. She never invites anyone over just waits for invites as she has never enjoyed entertaining. After holding many get togethers, last Christmas I decided I wasn't going to as I just feel emotionally drained after seeing my parents. I'm really really trying to forget the past but seeing their selfish ways sometimes makes it difficult.
My mum has offered for me and my dd's to move into her property as she isn't living in it, for a very low rent. I am absolutely broke, being forced to sell my property. I can't afford holidays, or even day trips. I'm fed of struggling after doing my training so this could really really help me financially and emotionally. I am so grateful for this offer. However at Christmas I told my mum I was lonely and felt low and exhausted (my ex doesn't co-parent). Then last week I felt even worse and called my mum crying explaining I was so low and lonely and felt I didn't want to wake up some days. It's been a week and I have done everything to try to get myself to feel better mentally but my mum has not even picked up the phone. I haven't seen her since Christmas, she has sent 2 text messages asking how I am and I explained not good, I feel alone. Her text message back was to get some medication or not think and go and buy a bottle of wine. I know my mum will never be there emotionally for me. I will never ever open up to her like that again. I will get through this alone and it's not going to be with medication or wine.
So basically what I am asking is what should I do? Take the offer of the property so it is financially better for me and my dd's? Although mentally I know my mum is never going to be emotionally there for me. So stay in my house and struggle.

Why do you need to lump the two issues together? The offer of a house is separate to your issues with your Mother's emotional unavailability.

I don't mean to sound harsh...I completely understand as my own Mother has never been an emotional support to me either. I accepted it a long time ago and found other people to play that role.

Take the house and try to accept your Mother's ways.

FortunesFave thankyou for your message. After so many years of trying to overcome it. I feel that now the only way is to stay away from her. If I took the house, I feel guilty for feeling how I feel but I'm taking her offer of helping me out financially.

Did you post last week about your Mum not wanting to meet you for a coffee that time when you rang?
Accept that your Mum cannot provide support for your emotional needs. However, she can and is offering you her house. Maybe this is all she is able to do.
We all have needs: physical, emotional, social, financial etc. Sometimes we sort of look in the wrong place for help with those. Surprisingly, it is often the case that close family don't provide the best sort of emotional support.
She has offered you a house for a low rent. If this suits you, then take her kind offer. Then seek emotional support elsewhere - try to find some low cost counselling or free counselling services with a view to doing therapy for a good few months. I think that'd really help you.

Seaweed42 thanks for your message. No that wasn't me that posted. Ok, both messages here make sense seeing it differently like that. I have tried to accept this. I know I have to. However I find it so difficult to understand how she can be this way. It makes me not like her and I feel so guilty feeling that way.

I agree it's two separate issues. The house sounds like a good solution for you at the moment. Your mum is self-centred and probably emotionally needy when it comes to men. You have to accept that she's not the person to support you emotionally, however hard that is. She is doing you a favour with the house though.

Doyoumind thanks for your message. I don't know how to accept it and still have a relationship with her. I need to learn how to. I have arranged to see a counsellor in the uni for a 6 week course as I feel this takes up too much of my mind space.

From your OP “I have emotionally dealt with it....”

Doesn’t sound like it. Sounds like you are on the right path - that your childhood was pants and that your DM failed you - but you haven’t dealt with the fact that she is still this person. You should have zero expectations of her (what was her childhood trauma that led her to this messy life) - she doesn’t have emotional support to give as she is emotionally deficient herself.

If you need to take time away from her and use counselling to accept this situation - then do that first. You need to learn to protect yourself emotionally from her. She is what she is - how much you choose to take on from her is up to you - she will never change. If it doesn’t work for you - put in some distance.

The most important relationship you should be investing in is your DC - give all your energy - positively - to them - don’t piss it away being distracted, preoccupied and exhausted by your relationship with your DM.

If a cheap house will take the sting out then go for it - but if you will end up picking up the pieces once her latest relationship goes tits up as it undoubtedly will and you the feel obligated to give her time - then don’t do it.

Get some decent counselling. Well done on your career and bringing up 3 kids alone when no one showed you how to do it or supports you. But ding let these same people drain you of the finite emotional and physical energy that you need to prioritise for yourself and you children. Guard this rigorously.

DO NOT TAKE THE HOUSE.

Do you really want an emotional abuser as a landlord? She will hold power over you for as long as you are there, and she will use it as emotional blackmail for the rest of your life. "I housed you when you needed it and never asked you for anything but love, now you've thrown it in my face, blah blah fucking blah"

She will let herself in when she feels like it. She will read your mail. She'll go through your things. Go have a look at the Stately Homes threads, they are littered with people who thought their parents were being kind offering them housing and then found themselves trapped in a nightmare.

Be wary about taking the house, how long before she breaks up with her 'partner' and then what? How fast will you have to find somewhere else to live? You could find yourself in a worse situation.

If you do take the house, you must make sure you save like crazy to make sure you can move out if you need to.

Definitely two separate issues. You won’t ever get the emotional support, but it doesn’t mean you won’t get practical.

But think about her boundaries. Will she just walk in? Will she hold it over your head? Has she thrown things she has voluntarily done in your face?

Her past behaviour will help answer those questions.

What’s her plan for when/if the relationship fails? Will she expect to move in?

Don’t refuse the offer just because your aren’t close. But think about if there will be any strings that you will need to worry about.

Perhaps your mother realises she's useless when it comes to emotional support for her children, so the house offer is her way of showing that she is concerned about you and your situation.

What another20 and Notthefordtype wrote earlier.

Your mother has and continues to put men first in her life regardless of how suitable they actually are as partners. Emotionally unsupportive people do not change and it is not your fault she is like this. You did not make her this way. BTW what if anything do you know about her own childhood, this often provides clues.

I also think that whilst you have yourself made some progress, there is still work to be done here on yourself. You have really not dealt with the fact that your mother is the same now and she is still emotionally deficient. You need to deal with the fear, obligation and guilt you still have through therapy.

My concern re this property is that if you accept it, you simply become further obligated to her. I would think long and hard about her own lack of boundaries, you further being obliged to her because of she offering you this property and her landlord status giving her yet even more power so would decline her offer.

Where is your dad, I ask only as you do not mention him in present day.

thanks for your messages. I am so much better than I was. There is so much that has gone on. I try to look forward instead of back and won't allow what happened to me impact on me. However it still does sometimes and I'm trying not to allow it. My mum has always said she had a lovely upbringing. Her parents split when she was 20 and she met my dad a year later to start a family. She has told me stories about how we were little and her mother (my nan) favoured my auntie (mums sister) and that hurt my mum but my mum was happy with my dad. My dad had endless affairs. When I was 11 years old my dad's best friend offered to look after her and us, promised her security, so she left my dad. The security turned into control. It was awful, just awful. We were all made to leave home at an early age. I never knew what mood he was going to be in, we were not allowed friends over and when I left at 16, I was never made welcome again, in fact he would tell us when we could phone (weren't allowed on sundays), if we visited it would be torture. We were not allowed there at Christmas. So much more went on (emotional control and abuse). But, he gave her everything, anything she wanted she had. They had posh cars, fancy holidays and pretty much just lived for eachother. I met someone who was physically abusive and begged my mum for help. Nobody ever did. You are right I don't want to spend anymore time thinking of any of this. My dc's mean so much to me, that's why I have always questioned her actions.
My mum wouldn't just walk in or anything. She has moved in with her new partner and won't visit. I am concerned if this won't work out with him and her and she will move back in. Apparently this is serious and it appears more serious than the others. This new guy doesn't see his kids regularly and seems to like and be exactly like my mum. It would probably be for about a year. I will be in a better position. I'm concerned about my financial situation. I have no money. My dd's needs a bed ( hers is broke). I dread another year of no holidays, scraping money for uniform, I dread to think k if something needs repaired or replaced, I have no money. My ex is still on the mortgage and I pay it (have been for 8 years alone). He is refusing to sign anything to change mortgage deals (to make my payments lower, currently paying 750 month) as he wants his equity so wants it sold. I'm fed up of fighting to stay in the home. It has taken all of my finances. I just want to take my dd's on holiday, buy a pair of shoes when they need them, go on day trips just because we can. I can't do that if I stay in this property. I do question if I'm doing the right thing.
My dad has been in and out of my life forever. Didn't see him from the age of 13-18 and he has been inconsistent ever since. Another long story but I have probably spoken to him 5 times in a year. He isn't interested at all. Forgotten birthdays etc, no interest in my dd's.

I recognise the way you are feeling. You will get past it.

I relate to your post so much.

My own mother failed in a lot of ways and has also ditched me for her lastest relationship! We also had an awful emotionally abusive ‘step’ father growing up.

I have come to accept that she is not doing it on purpose, she just lacks any self awareness to understand how her actions impact on me.

My Dad basically thinks love is money so I let him buy me things. That’s pretty much our relationship.

Please take the house. It sounds like it will really help you and that your children will benefit from it. Worse case scenario - you move out and find somewhere else. Just make sure you have a plan B.

Good luck. You are doing amazing.

FaFoutis thanks for your message.
PerfectPeony thanks for your message. I actually wonder if she knows what she's doing. How do you get over this? Have a relationship with her even though you feel let down by her?

PerfectPeony - ps - thankyou for your kind words.

Please don't take the house. It will backfire.

If she doesn't go out of her way to control you, then she might not read your mail etc, but she will want it back when it suits her. I'm not convinced she'd want to live there with you. You could find yourselves being asked to leave with little or no notice.

I know it seems like a solution, and would be with a normal mother. Unless you are literally going to be homeless, don't take the house.
And for a while at least, your dd will be fine on a mattress. I know it's not ideal, but please avoid taking the house!

Have a relationship with her even though you feel let down by her?

That's what I do. But I protect myself by not showing much emotion, not telling her things that are important to me and not seeing her too often.

peekyboo - I honestly don't think she will make us move out but I know she would struggle with living with us, I would too. My dd's can sleep on a mattress however, my boiler is making funny noises this past few days. I have no savings. There is damp in the back rooms as I need new windows. I just feel like I need a financial break. I can never take my dd's anywhere. My mortgage is so high. Renting is more expensive. I feel like I have to.
FaFoutis this makes me feel sad. It shouldn't be like this with a parent. I want my dd's to be able to always come to me. I think that's why I struggle, because being a parent, you just can't understand how a mother can or would ignore your emotions or not show interest in your wellbeing.

So your mum isn't living in her property and has offered it to you for a very low rent? Is she likely to move back into it if her relationship fails? Could you move in and save up as much as you can so that if she moves back in you can move out again?

What would you do with your house if you moved in there?

Welshcakes - if you own your own home are you then planning to rent it out whilst buy live at your Mums? If so you need to do a lot of research as to what your obligations legally, practically and financially would be as a landlord. There are many H&S improvements you will need to invest in by law, you would have to inform and change your mortgage to a higher BTL rate, of tax and loads of fees etc to estate agents. Then you are tied in for months with tenants etc. Why not ask your DM to rent her house out commercially and give you the profits?

Or restructure your own mortgage payments (lengthen the term, take a mortgage holiday, go interest only, get a better rate) to take out the sting and give you some breathing space. That would involve a few phone calls rather than a house move and setting another up as BTL.

Or sell yours and downsize ?

Thanks for your messages.
I will answer both in one....
I'm selling my house as it's in joint names with my ex. He hasn't lived in it with me and my dd's for 8 years, and not paid anything towards the mortgage. I have had the required amount of holiday When he moved out, then had interest only (they won't allow me anymore). Been paying on my own for that long accumulated arrears along the way (paid them off now as of ladt year) as he has never helped with childcare for me to work so forever changing jobs. For the last 5 years I have studied and worked to keep paying it. I qualify in March and will have an income to hopefully one day buy again however my credit score is really bad. I know im entitled to stay in the property until my youngest is of a certain age. I can't change the mortgage to a different rate as he needs to agree. I asked him and he said no sell it. There is equity in the house. He has agreed to 70/30. I can't buy again straight away, even when I do it will have to be a shared ownership and they only do that on new builds so depends if there is anything available in my area. So basically it's a leap of faith. Not exactly knowing what plan B is. If I stay in this property, it will be a very big struggle as o can only go to work part time once qualified as again struggle with childcare. I have worked so hard. I just want to be able to go shopping without checking my bank balance every time, be able to buy a new coat for my dd's, go on holiday, pay off credit card (solicitors fees) and finally be divorced. He won't sign anything and my solicitor said next step is court which will cost too much. I'm financially exhausted.

It is sad Welsh, and I have had times when I was angry and devastated about it, but people don't change so all you can do is deal with it.

I think having crap parents can help you to be an excellent parent yourself, so there are positives. I have a very close relationship with my children.