Do ultimatums and a given time frame to change work in your experience?

[CocoDeMoll]

I have issued my dh with a sort yourself out in a month or we’re finished ultimatum today. It came out of no where after an arguement because he couldn’t even hold baby ds for 10mins whilst I had a shower without telling me to hurry up and dumping a crying baby on the bath mat . I haven’t been happy for a while as he’s moody and lazy and doesn’t do anything with the children that isn’t centred around him. He is in complete denial about this.

My question is do you think a month will just allow him to make a half hearted effort to change and for me to cut him some slack or does this sort of thing work?

Usually it is a case of makes a bit of an effort for a while and then slips back into their old behaviour. I hope he does buck his ideas up, dumping the baby on the bath mat is awful, but you have to be prepared to act on your threats if he doesn't improve, otherwise nothing will ever change.

Ultimatums only work if the other person genuinely believes you will follow through.

A month isn't long enough either. He can easily fake it.

That’s what I’m worried about. I’m at the point where I would follow through and it’s not just a threat. We split up once before and that time it was an instant ‘we’re finished’ thing and I stuck to it (till we got back together).

In my experience, ultimatums never work. It's absolutely fine to tell someone that something they're doing is hurtful or them changing their behaviour is an important thing for you.

However, if they don't care about making these changes to help you out for the relationship and your partnership in general, then they're telling you in the most sincere way possible that what's important to you is not important for them.

With an ultimatum, you're saying that you're so unhappy that if they don't change this behaviour, the relationship isn't worth continuing. So, they'll either accept the ultimatum and the end of the relationship, or they'll do the absolute minimum possible to prevent that happening - either way you lose.

Personally, I often have lots of little ultimatums but they stay inside my head and aren't given out as an "or else". For example, if I wanted someone to make some kind of commitment gesture, I'd tell them that was what I wanted, that it was important for me to happen in a reasonable time, then I'd set a date around that but just for myself. At that point, if they're not doing anything, I'd walk away.

But, honestly, if you're at the point where you've decided the relationship isn't worth continuing unless he makes significant, prolonged changes across his behaviour, then it sounds like you've already made your mind up :/

I'm sorry, you deserve to be treated better than this. Otherwise, maybe try counselling? Find a friendly relationship counsellor who can mediate this and get it across to him that he's not doing what's needed. Then you've given it every chance possible, so you're easy in your mind that you didn't walk away lightly?

With an ultimatum, you're saying that you're so unhappy that if they don't change this behaviour, the relationship isn't worth continuing

That’s it in a nutshell ditchy

He’s always point blank refused couples therapy. I can imagine if we did go he’d just clam up anyway. He doesn’t talk about his feelings if he can help it!

Depends what you mean by the ultimatum "working". If you tell someone sincerely "I cannot stay in a relationship with someone who behaves in x fashion. So either x changes or the relationship is over" you are giving them information about a future event. So either the behaviour changes, or you leave - either way, the ultimatum has worked, in that the situation is now resolved.

The problem is, lots of people think that the ultimatum is only successful if it results in the desired change in the other person. But this isn't correct - the ultimatum is there to stop you from staying in a terrible situation, not to be a magic spell to fix the other person.

Doesn't work. Might last for a couple of weeks at best then back into old ways.

FineWords is spot on.

I gave my son's dad an ultimatum with a 2wk expiry date. He didn't change. So I left. That was a successful ultimatum, because I carried it through.

As others stated above unless you are willing to follow through ultimatums are useless.

On top of this, one month is too short. He can pretend to change just for this amount of time and then revert to his old ways.

It can work for some. All relationships are different.

If he doesn't make the changes in a month...you need to split...otherwise your word means nothing. You won't be taken seriously... I'd go as far as looking practically on how things would work...and letting him know you're preparing for that outcome based on past experience. It's not what you want...but if he doesn't get his act together... it's over.

I'd also tell him that any changes need to be sustained, because if he backslides, there will be no more chances... at that point it's game over. You need to mean it..or don't say it

Have you been very specific about the changes you want to see OP? I think if you've been vague and said "sort yourself out" then it is doomed to failure. If you have given him very specific ways in which you expect him to pull his weight going forward, then you may stand some chance of success.

The problem with an ultimatum is that it has to be a one time only thing and the other person has to be 100% aware of that - otherwise it has no more power than any other type of conversation.

You can only state your needs.

He has to respect those and either negotiate and actively and positively agree to make a sustained effort. This is what you are looking for.

The worst thing is that he “does as he is told” resentfully and with growing contempt.

This will be toxic and unsustainable.

So watch his mood and approach - if it is less than enthusiastic then you are just wasting a month.

How do you need him to change?
What was the cause of your last break up?
How long were you apart?
How was this separation for you?
How did you get back together?
How long have you been back together?

You need to be clear and decisive now - your DCs can’t have a revolving door family life - not fair.

It's not the point of your post, but how is he in denial about it?

I'm reading between that lines that a big problem is he gets free time and you don't - how can he not see that you didn't even get 10 mins for a shower? It should be obvious.

In this case - no it won't work.
Because he doesn't see he's doing anything wrong.
If he could acknowledge his short-comings then he may be able to improve a bit.
But he doesn't.
He's an entitled, lazy prick who won't change.
And you know it.
Time for your exit plan.

Of course not. People don't change.

You've left him once before and he is still the same selfish drunken fuckwit he's always been.

I think I need to be more specific about the changes I want to see and as a poster said one big (probably the biggest) issue to me right now is the unfair distribution of free time. I have absolutely none. The ten minute shower issue sums this up. It doesn’t help my ds is going through the biggest separation anxiety and cries if his dad holds him.

I’m too civil I think. I can’t do the whole silent moody treatment so one day on I’m being chatty and nice but also didn’t mince my words saying in conversation ‘well we might not be together in a months time’ to just remind him it wasn’t me having a crazy breakdown yesterday!!

I’m older and wiser than last time and I know a month is not long enough but it’s a start.