Emotionally Unstable Sister In Law Taking over Our Life

[rbear70]

Hi all, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this issue that is worrying me. My sister in law is emotionally unstable and very dependent on my husband. Over the years he's supported her to go to school (she dropped out), to get jobs (she got fired). Now she's hanging out at home doing nothing and he helps her out financially as she's always in crisis. She seems to have no control over her life and impulses and, most worryingly, over her reproductive health. She's had 6 unwanted pregnancies that I know of, all from different men, three carried to term. Most recently, she almost died from the side effects of taking an abortion drug (abortion is illegal where we live). I've asked her how an adult with education and access to healthcare can keep getting pregnant and she said, glibly, that she can't tolerate the IUD and can't remember to take the pill. She's also had a number of bouts with excessive drinking and professed suicidality. She's lost all her best and oldest friends, although she seems to easily find a temporary coterie of hangers on who seem to worship her for a time and then disappear. In short, her life is very disordered. My worry is that she'll take herself to the point where she can't care for her 3 young children (and likely more to come). My husband and I are her only close relatives in the area, so I suspect she imagines that we'll take care of her kids if she can't. In the past she asked me to adopt her second born. Recently, she's been using the third anniversary of her mother's death as an excuse to drink and take pills and generally act outsorry if that seems judgy but no one else I know can't get over their parent's death. My husband was called a couple of days ago to get her when she was lying on her mother's grave, wailing all day. Last night he was called again because she'd drunk a whole bottle of whisky and taken a bunch of painkillersshe says because it was the day her mom died and the memory triggered her. Honestly, I don't think I can help her and I don't want my life taken over by her drama, and I definitely do not want 3 more kids (I have two, and that's plenty work). I have already given years of my life to dealing with my borderline mother and bipolar brother. It's clear she needs help but I'm really, really not interested in getting involved. I just want her to understand that I will not be taking her kids if she ends up on the street or dead. It sounds harsh but I am just done with other people's drama. Should I tell her this?

No, there's no point in that conversation.

I would get social services involved with a clear message you do not have capacity to assist with the family.

If they are involved already, I would ring and apprise them of this new deterioration.

Thanks Elspeth. That's good clarity.

You also need to make your position clear to your Dp because he may assume he would take her kids as a matter of course. Just out of interest- and I’m not judging...if ds passed away would you take the children? That might be something you need to consider if she’s indulging in risky behaviour and taking overdoses

Thanks Ourmaud. That's exactly what i'm trying to avoid. I'm worried that her behavior is putting us on track towards a situation where my husband will feel obliged to take over care of her kids. I've put in more than my fair share of childcare with my own two kids, putting my own work and aspirations on hold. Not complaining about that as it was my decision, but not willing to do it again. I guess I should try to call a family meeting but my husband's family is really not good at dealing with this sort of thing. They just don't talk about these kinds of things and there are a lot of family secrets. I'll talk to the DH but not at all confident that he'll have a come to Jesus with her.

Regardless of whether you’re willing to continue being involved (and I totally get why you don’t want to be any further) I would be calling social services anyway because those children need to be given the chance to have much more normality and stability in their lives than it sounds like they’re getting. It can be done via the NSPCC, anonymously if necessary.

Agree with advice above that she needs professional help & support

This must be so hard on you, having to deal with this, how are you yourself coping?

"They just don't talk about these kinds of things and there are a lot of family secrets" before you even said that I was thinking she's an adult survivor of childhood abuse.

Classic indicators:

Hypersexuality inc risky behaviour
Drug/alcohol abuse
Close but temporary friendships
Mood swings
Disordered grieving (particularly for a parent)
Self destructive even suicidal

Your dh is key here. He likely knows the truth (and to be honest if I were you I'd be dragging it out of him in case the perpetrator is still alive and anywhere near my kids!)

She clearly needs help but is unlikely to say to you.

SS is a good call but alert them that there's likely historical abuse & mental health issues.

Thank you all for your responses. Calling social services is not an option here, really, because there are few services and what exist are very poor.

Thank you, Graphista, for your insight. In the past when I told my husband that his sister complained about being neglected by her parents when she was young, I told him about it and said "I don't know if there was anything worse." He replied, "I'm sure there was," though not in a specific way. The problem is we've found her therapists and paid for her to go to see them, and also to go to rehab. Psych services are not the best here and it's hard to find a therapist who can really see through to the crux of the matter. I think she just lies to her therapists. In any event, she's been going a while and no real improvement.

I want to get the family (she has three brothers) to 1) make a real effort to get her treatment, and 2) make a plan for her kids that does not include me--ie. track down their fathers and get them involved.

Will try to broach this, but not with a tremendous amount of hope. Fearing for my marriage, a bit.

One thing. When I did talk to her, I told her that if she had trouble talking about something that happened to her, she could write it down and give it to me and I would never talk about it but would try to get her good help. That didn't come to anything yet.

Justagirl, thanks for your concern. I'm coping ok. Just feel half the time that we should stop sweeping this under the rug, other half that I'm blowing it all out of proportion.

Op I'm a survivor with serious mental health issues. I avoided therapists etc for many years because I wasn't ready to discuss it.

It also takes us survivors a LOT to trust anyone, not just because of the betrayal of trust by the perpetrator but because we often feel we've been let down by people who should have protected us and didn't realise or who did realise but ignored

She may well have disclosed to others in the past and had dreadful responses. That certainly happened to me. Anything from plain "I don't believe you" to "you're evil to even think such a thing" to "I really don't need the burden of your shit"

I have many friends who THINK they know me well I'm very good at making it appear that way, when actually I can count on one hand the people I truly trust and one of them is dd.

A few more know some of what happened and were really shocked not only that it happened but that they never saw any signs - and they've struggled with that.

Even some therapists handle it terribly especially if as you say mental health and social support services aren't great where you are but even in uk I've had appalling responses from so called professionals - it doesn't exactly inspire confidence in them

Op, I have a very a very similar situation with my sil. It is hard. I feel for you. I think your feelings about the situation, and what you are willing to do/not do, are absolutely reasonable.
Re getting her more treatment, remember nothing will work until she herself is ready to change. Concentrate your efforts on your reactions to the situation. I found it all a lot easier to cope with once I reached a point where i was willing to walk away from my marriage if Dh kept enabling her to the point that it really impacted on me and the kids. It never came to that but knowing i would and could do it kept me calm. I had to have a lot of talks with dh helping him see how abnormal it all is, as having grown up with it he just accepted it. Like you i live somewhere with minimal/poor social services, i have still reported to them and to the school.

Thanks Fairport and Graphista. My husband actually got really low over the weekend and finally said he was worried that she was heading to addiction. So we got to have a talkduring which I suggested that there's an underlying emotional or personality disorderand he agreed and asked her to go with him to see a therapist, as a start. She said she'll go. We'll see. Cautiously optimistic.

Cautious optimism is sensible. Let's hope it helps. Their poor family seem to have been through a lot

Graphista can I ask? Those bullet points you listed earlier describe one of my sisters to a tee. She's a lot older than me and she's been NC with the family for many years.

If i understand that list correctly it describes EUPD. Is that always, always due to sexual abuse in childhood?

I'm not saying you're wrong but I wasn't listing symptoms of EUPD but symptoms that may be found in survivors.

The 2 may well cross over. Childhood abuse contributes to a lot of mental illness