What should I do about my ex?!?

[Luka17]

Ok so....

Me and the father of my son split just before christmas (my choice I needed space because a lot happened with us) and now I feel like I want to give it another go but he has been quite hot and cold he’s moved back in with his Mum and he said he wants to give it another go but he’s battling with his head and his heart because he likes being able to do what he wants when he wants and it’s getting very confusing for me.

Obviously I completely get I made the decision to end it and his pride is probably hurt and I can’t click my fingers and get him back.

Anyway it’s his 30th birthday in a couple of months and I feel like I need to make a grand gesture and book us a make or break short break?

Does anyone think this is a good idea or should I just leave him to make up his mind on his own?

Are you sure getting back together is a good idea? He sounds immature for a 30 year old. You can't and shouldn't win him back, he needs to want to be with you and I'm afraid it seems he doesn't.

Don’t make any grand gestures, just see how it goes.

I wouldn't book anything that's months in advance, I would wait to see what happens first

Sweetie, i’m all for equality but ask yourself what grand gestures he has ever made for you? If his immaturity or inability to prioritise has been a problem, it is likely to remain a problem. Is a couple of days of feeling special at your own expense worth how you will feel when he continues on the same path? Good luck whatever you decide x

If he isn't sure what he wants, a grand gesture could end with him feeling obliged to get back together with you regardless of what he wants. That won't end well.

If he comes back, there are changes that need to be made and he needs to want that too.

A grand gesture won't change the problems

He's a man child who wants his own way all the time and has gone running back to mummy. Fuck that. You made the right decision before Christmas. Stick to it. You don't need to make a grand gesture. He needs to grow up.

What had happened between you to make you split? What has actually changed to now make things workable?

I would not make a grand gesture. If he's not falling over himself to come back, then what's the point? He likes being single? He needs to be persuaded home? It will be disastrous if he does come back with that attitude.

The relationship is already broken. A weekend away would be either a meaningless shag fest or you trying to persuade him to choose you. Save your money and cut ties properly.

Depends how badly you want him back. You did the dumping here, so I don’t think he’s going to make it easy.
Give him time, he’s probably hurting still & will take a lot to get him to return now he’s seen all the positives again, of single life.
Good luck

I feel like I need to make a grand gesture and book us a make or break short break?

Urgh, don't do this. "Grand gestures" are pick-me dancing at best and manipulation at worst.

What is it about a short break that you think will solve the issues you've been having? You guys need to see if you're actually real-world compatible, not if you can have a nice time on holiday together.

You’ve not said what the issues were between you that ended up with you asking him to leave. Were those one-off stresses caused by something you and he had no control over, or were they character traits?

If it’s the latter, what’s changed? As PP have said, you need to see evidence that things will actually be different and that you two can work as a couple.

Do you want him back because you love him, or because you’re used to him?

He sounds very immature for 30, and like he’s keeping his options open but keeping you on the hook because he likes your attention.

Concentrate on your son, Find out who you are being single for a while. The reasons you split from him can’t have fixed themselves by you splitting.

Ask yourself honestly why you want to make a "grand gesture"?

What's the thinking behind it?

Surely if you're looking to rebuild a relationship, it needs to be done gradually, naturally?

A grand gesture feels like a way of forcing something that otherwise won't go where you want it to go.

I mean there are a lot of reasons why I chose for us to split. Mainly his character traits his man-child behaviour (it felt like he wanted a Mum and not a girlfriend a lot of the time) and also I need time away from the pressure of his “expectations” of me and not to mention my own mental health.

I feel the time away has made me realise a lot though, I’ve managed to clear my head and I do miss him and love him obviously he is my child’s father.

The grand gesture isn’t to “manipulate” him into choosing me... I was thinking of it being a birthday present and a few days alone to see if we can get on being in each other company before we decide that he moves back in as we’ve only spent a few hours a week together since the split.

It probably isn’t the best idea though now I’ve slept on it because he will think he can be single and do what he want when he wants and I’ll still be there willing to do “girlfriend stuff” without being the girlfriend.

I'm glad you've rethought.

I would be very careful of taking him back, given the reasons you split. Basically manchild went home to mother and has been enjoying the single life, now you miss him but he's learnt nothing and isn't eager to prove he can be an equal life partner. Taking him back would just be more of the same, only worse, as he knows he expect you to fold and ask him back again.

Sorry to go on, but with his narrative of "he likes being able to do what he wants when he wants" alongside reluctance to come back if he does return, it's very likely he's going to expect to opt in and out of family life as suits him and for you not to say jackshit about it.

Don't settle for something so very pants.

Mainly his character traits his man-child behaviour (it felt like he wanted a Mum and not a girlfriend a lot of the time) and also I need time away from the pressure of his “expectations” of me

It sounds like you split up for damn good reasons!

I don't think you want to get back together because you feel that these issues are resolved. I think you want to get back together because:

A) you're missing him (a very normal stage of breaking up and not necessarily a sign you have made the wrong decision)

B) You think it would somehow be better for your child if his/her parents were together (even if the mother is miserable, running around like a skivvy and trying desperately to live up to her partner's "expectations")

C) You're scared of being by yourself

I understand why you feel like this - but take a really good look at your situation. Do you really want spend your life being disrespected by your partner? Because it sounds like this man sees you as an appliance - wife-bot, childcare-bot, housework-bot and sex-bot.

You're worth more.

I completely get all of everything said. In an ideal world you end up with your child’s father but tbh after reading everyone’s opinions I relate to everything.

I think I am going through the confused period of thinking I was unhappy when I was with him and ending things and still feeling unhappy and missing him now we’re not together and when I actually look back on the relationship I was just basically someone’s mother and the fun was sucked out of my life.

I need to just get used to being on my own again after living in each other’s pockets for 6 years.

Use the cash you would have spent on doing something for yourself!
When exh and I decided to split I had horse riding lessons!!
You need a bucket list op.