To invite my mum to my sons birthday party

[username7000]

So I've posted on here before on different username and good advice given.
So anyway backstory I've had a difficult relationship last few years with my dad until so bad that the last 12 months NC . Last few years my dad has not been to sons birthday party . It's just a birthday tea with immediate family . 2 years ago my mum said wasn't invited ( never received texts while they were away ) . my dad has barely spoke to me regarding other thinks he's rude and nasty so not much contact . Last year I invited them both my mum came on her own said my dad was ill . My mum proceeded to drink quite quickly in a short space of time so was a bit tipsy . She never brought anything to drink, I offered her a glass of wine . I don't think she had more than 2 glasses unless she took more . Was only here for 2 hours . My dad collected her then sent me abusive txt for letting her get drunk . After that I blocked his number and cut all contact with him ( I still see mum ) it was the final straw . Even 12 months later no apology. So 2 years in a row he has upset me on my sons birthday. This year we are having birthday tea for ds I discussed with dh that will just invite his mum dad sister and us . So just food and drinks nothing big . My mum has txt today asking about birthday party . My first reaction was No , even though she's done nothing wrong I do not want another situation like last year . I know it sounds like I'm being awful , so shall I say no to her or say yes but only if she doesn't have a drink . My dad hates anyone drinking especially my mum , he's very controlling but it's no wild party just a couple of wines . I don't want to upset my mum and she said she knows my dad is unreasonable so ignores him . But it's like my dad waits for me so he can have a go at me like my mum having a drink , like that's somehow my fault . My dh also thinks my dad won't like my mum coming either.

It's not your mums fault your dad is an arsehole. Invite your mum only and since you've already blocked his number you won't have to bother about hearing him whine if she does have a glass of wine!

Why would you invite either of your parents here?. What is the thinking behind this?. It is no point in doing so and both of them have behaved poorly here towards not just you but your son also. You cannot trust them to behave well and you will kick yourself indeed if another one of your sons parties is spoilt by them.

Ignore your mothers text message, do not respond. People like this want a response because that to them is the reward. Stand firm here. You cannot guarantee that she has not drunk anything alcoholic before she arrives at yours and your parents seem as bad as one another, they both enable each other to behave poorly.

She has also chosen to stay with your abusive father for her own reasons. Bad behaviour should not in any way be rewarded.

Could your mum come by herself and have a friend or taxi to take her home?

I would definitely not invite him only mum . tbh I don't want too but I feel I should . If I did I would make it very clear that he is not welcome.
My dm lovely as she is ( she is nothing like my dad ) she has ignored and excused his behaviour since I was a kid . I feel sorry for mum sometimes because she would love all the family to get together but my dad is too miserable and my siblings too selfish (take after dad) but I also get annoyed with her for excepting dad behaviour.
The plan was originally to not invite her , but her text is kinda inviting herself. So I would say oh yes please come but without dad or lie and say no . I know if I don't invite her she will say it's not her fault the way my dad is .

@Knittedfairies

She would probably get my dad to drop /pick up .

Do not let your own fear, obligation and guilt rule your decision making process. Why should you invite your mother given her previous behaviour?. She is just as culpable here as her husband because she has excused and minimised what her husband has done to her and to you as her now adult child.

I would not respond to her text particularly as it is seen to be inviting herself here.

And it’s not your fault either that both your parents here have really failed you.

Thanks for your replies.