It was only in 2018 I suddenly got the meaning of what Coercive Control really means. Then it really hit me. As I was kicking out my former spouse father of my children I asked him "So why did you always keep telling me I was a terrible person to live with and that nobody else would put up with me?"
To which he said "Because I wanted to hang onto you!" then continued " Yes I had to tell you to do the opposite of what I REALLY wanted you to do because you were too bloodyminded!" WHAT? Someone recently enlightened aka "gaslighting" OMG this was what my marriage was all about - Coercive control - No wonder I thought I was off my head - and to cap it all I was also doubly controlled by cocktails of benzodiazepines mixed with a compound antipsychotic while doctors behind my back were condemning ME and taking his side because he looked like butter wouldn't melt in his mouth - A trickcylclist actually wrote in my notes " Opened husband's letter from girlfriend who thought he wasn't married -" "Advised forget it or ignore it!" A month later he wrote "Bloodyminded, awkward, not a nice person, sorry for herself!" I was absolutely knocked back seeing this. There was I, naively thinking the doctors understood I'd come out of a shocking loveless childhood etc and now they were blaming me in another equally loveless shocking relationship and failed to condemn the fact that I'd also been battered as well - If I hadn't got myself off the drugs cold turkey I'd be dead by now probably by my own hand after 3 over doses during the marriage. I've never felt suicidal since I got off and got rid of my first unnecessary philandering irritant!! That was the least of my worries, it was facing the pain and reality of childhood that really caused me grief along with my feeling forced to demand sterilisation aged 24 on finding myself pregnant just 3 months from a 2nd traumatic unsupported birth - Soon after which I was shut down by the "chemical cosh" which disallowed me to come to terms with what was also actually an abortion. And this is 50yrs after the event. Not to mention the unjust condemnations of medics while I was struggling to stay alive fo r the sake of my children. I knew what it was to be abandoned how could I do that to my own children