Am I overreacting about my childhood?

[thelostone1]

I’m new here and looking for a steer as to what is normal, what’s acceptable and where I go from here. I’ve never written this down before and I’m not a mum so hoping it’s ok to post on this forum. It’s about my relationship with family, my mum mostly.

I had a fractious childhood that seemed perfect from the outset. Parents had money and with that came lots of opportunities. Don’t want to out myself but as an adult I can see that both my parents had very difficult childhoods of their own. One came from a poor background with absent parents and the other from a wealthy background with little attention to their needs as a result of their own parent being very unwell throughout their life. Didn’t want to drip feed so that’s the background.

If I think about my childhood now I feel angry. I hate writing that as I know my parents did a lot for my and sibling. But I hate them for never letting me be me, comparing me to my sibling, never really spending proper time one to one with me, for the hitting and the remarks that will stay with me forever.

I was insanely jealous of my sibling and have memories of my parents mocking me about this, telling me to grow up. I was only 12. I used to like dancing and my mum would tell me I was showing off if I danced to music. I was told many times over that I was a problem child and a nightmare to bring up (I was horrendously anxious) and that they hoped I had a child that almost ruined my marriage when I was older, then I would understand. I’ve been told I’ve always been difficult, that I ruined much of my parents lives as a child. Other things went on like being hit (not punched but smacked I suppose, hair pulled and generally being dragged around). Those memories make me feel worthless in a way I can’t desvribe and whenever this happened I would then in the night self harm because I felt like I was nothing. That then caused my parents to say I was attention seeking. They’d mock me (maybe to try and get me to stop), instead of dealing with it and helping me.

It’s obviously hard to give an entire overview in one post. I want to be as objective as possible and say that I do remember being very difficult growing up. I’d cry all night about going to school, throw things round the house to get my mums attention and wouldn’t want to go to bed as I felt too scared. I only have memories as a child of being frightened of things, constantly needing re assurance. Add to that that I was jealous of my sibling, they did well at ballet and ended up in national shows, I was left behind mostly as a teen (didn’t want to go!) and neither parent was interested in staying with me or doing something different. I also had absolutely everything given to me. What I mean is I know my parents tried their best.

Now as an adult my parents have a much better relationship with sibling. Often if we are all together they will still joke about my apparent jealousy growing up, they’re quick to call me difficult and I suppose I always have that label. At the same time I feel a lot of resentment that I think I need to address with counselling. As an adult I feel like there is a huge void where my mum could be part of my life, come to see me now and then, do things together. She doesn’t, despite my attempts to do so. They have money that they spend on things together but she wouldn’t be interested in spending a day on her own with me. To be fair she is the same with my sibling too.

I suppose my question is am I overreacting about my childhood? How do I move past it? Is it even possible? Why is it bothering me more now as an adult than it did when I was 22 or 25?

Mind spinnning. Sorry for long post!

. And no you are not overreacting about your childhood at all, far from it.

Do you really think your parents did their best here?. They probably think they did. However they did not, well not to my mind and they failed you abjectly. They repeated the same old and what was done to them as children with you.

The two people who were supposed to love and protect you did neither, you had material things but not emotional but the love was and remains sadly lacking. It is not your fault they are like this and you did not make them that way. You were a "normal child" not difficult as they still make you out to be and what you describe is pretty much typical of those being raised within an abusive household. Many abusive people are not horrid all the time but their nice/nasty cycle is a continuous one. Are you still trying to seek their approval on some level?. They have never apologised nor have accepted any responsibility for their actions have they.

I would further lower all current contact levels with them and make yourself unavailable to your family of origin. Please seek help from the likes of NAPAC and seek counselling for what happened to you from the likes of BACP. You need to find someone who fits in with your approach as well as someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. Do interview such people at length before deciding on any particular one.

You may also want to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point and read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

Thanks for such an insightful post!

I really struggle with the abuse comments. I can’t imagine hitting a child (though it was more acceptable 20-30 years ago I guess) and nor can I imagine being as nasty verbally as they were, I know that can really damage a child.

However if either one of them read your reply they would say you had no idea what I was like, how difficult I was, they never had any time to themselves because of me etc. They’d then say that other family members would agree with them, it wasn’t just them who thought it.

They will never apologise and the few times I’ve mentioned it my mum in particular shouts and tells me all the sacrifices they made, how I had everything in life (I did).

There are also moments I remember where emotionally I did have their support. I always knew they cared, for sure. They always supported me with school and took interest in what we were doing, attended all the plays, sports games etc etc.

They did so much for me. But I hate them for making me a deeply unhappy, fragile child. Do you see why I struggle with the idea of abuse? There was much love mixed in and I do genuinely believe they tried their best. When I look at their childhoods as an adult I feel deeply sorry for each of them.

You are but at the beginning of a very long journey of healing.

Your parents are not worthy of the term and when they talk in public they lie. Emotional abuse also leaves deep scars and abuse is not just physical in nature. I would urge you to find a counsellor or therapist asap. You are also describing a golden child/ scapegoat dynamic here and that too is very damaging.

Feeling sorry for them is one thing but the problem with that approach is that it takes energy away from you and how you felt at the time and still do.. Your feelings here are valid. Their responses by the way are absolutely typical of what such toxic people say to their unfortunate now adult offspring.

These people will never change their behaviour nor be anything like good enough.

Do you think they feel sorry for you or guilty as to how you were and still are treated by them?. No they are not sorry nor do they feel any guilt. They honestly think they have done nothing wrong here with regards to you and still think of you as being difficult. Again, its not you but your parents who are at fault here. They caused this to happen to you and you are in no way responsible for what happened to you in your childhood. Please seek the help that you need.

If you do become a parent yourself I would also urge you to keep them well away from both your parents too.