How does your Attachment Style impact you in relationships?

[Sensitive1985]

Hi everyone,

I have been doing some reading on Attachment Style theory and how your early experiences with parental relationships/bond can impact your romantic relationships today. This is one article that I read:

www.psychalive.org/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship/

I feel that I am closest to the Anxious Attachment Style. I feel very separated when I at am work and away form my partner. I reach out to him regularly to get some signs of love, and I feel frustrated and rejected when I don't get his full attention back. When we first got together we went through a period in a long distance relationships and because we almost had to communicate more to keep the connection going, this probably met my needs more than being in if we were in the same city.

I think that I also stay inside my head a lot and overthink the relationship and the security I have in it. So I think reassurance is very important to me.

This isn't constant and most days are good and I feel calm. But when I feel more insecure I tend to go into this cycle. On a more postrave note, I think that it makes me a very loyal, caring and giving partner who puts in a huge amount of effort.

Identifying this is helping me to learn that I need to change my past narrative (of being isolated and rejected and unloved) to a different narrative today.

What about everyone else? Do you identify with an Attachment Style and what does that bring to your relationship?

S x

I had the same style as you and had some serious counselling so I didn't muck up a new relationship as it was causing me a lot of anxiety. It helped enormously and I no longer feel that I sabotage things due to that attachment style. Like you though I feel it makes me a very loyal partner. On the flip side it means I stay longer than I should in bad relationships.

Learning about attachment styles really changed the way I felt about myself and relationships. It has also helped me to identify potential partners who are not going to be able to give me what I need. At first I went in thinking ok so this is my style, then the more I got to understand it and talk to my therapist about I realised it can be nuanced and different people can bring out different responses. It helped me understand that my needs are my needs. They need to be met but also they are not always in line with someone else’s needs - so there is a compromise to be had provided that overall my partner has empathy and can move towards me when necessary rather than pull away. Lots of the threads on here seem to involve men who are described in a way that makes me think they may be avoidant.

I'm really avoidant. Not pathologically so - I love my child (but very relieved I only have one) and have good relationships with friends and family, although I do keep them at a comfortable distance (which is fine in my family because we are all similar!)

When it comes to romantic relationships it's difficult. I feel anxious and suffocated when a man expresses strong feelings for me. I'm exploring polyamory as an approach :)

Avoidant 100%

@NotaNotMan do you find that polyamory eases the feelings you described in association with relationships, or does it compound it? I imagine it's easier because you're not solely focused on one person and them on you?

I think this theory is fantastic and explains so much dysfunction on this board. Personally, it has changed the way I see relationships: my own with myself, with my kids and with my partner, and also with friends and work colleagues. It really explains a lot! I'd long ago come to terms with my upbringing but until AT came to me I was unable to see how it was affecting me everyday.

do you find that polyamory eases the feelings you described in association with relationships, or does it compound it?

Eases, because I am not 100% focused on anyone and my primary partner isn't 100% focused on me.
It means for me I don't feel the crushing anxiety I often get in an exclusive relationship and I can be more relaxed and enjoy it. Not having all my eggs in one basket helps me a lot.
Not saying it's plain sailing - I do have some insecurities over my P's other P but that's about worrying that she might want him to be exclusive with her which may then jeopardise our relationship. I don't like feeling out of control either!

snap for the control

I don't know if I would feel comfortable with it, but I can definitely see how it would discourage the anxious feelings and urge to bolt.

Are you single or partnered?

TwinkleToes - what did you do after you had a better understanding of yourself? Did you work towards changing yourself in any way or was the understanding enough in itself?

I have been working on it a lot, and that of OH. Confronting all those demons of the past, knowing why and how they enter into the everyday has meant I can start making changes. The progression goes something like: understand it, observe it, change it. The very act of observation means you are less likely to repeat poor behaviour patterns. Mindfulness-type techniques help, or therapeutic writing. I'm working through a great book called Parenting from the inside out. It's life changing because I'm no longer churning around in unproductive anger or avoidance - I can engage 100% with my kids. Things are going slower with OH, but very therapeutic nonetheless.

Oh god I am the same as you op.
And I struggle and get anxious if I feel that I am loosing someone. As sally says, it makes me very loyal, but I stay in shit relationships way beyond their sell by date.
I am working on this.
And I often end up with avoidants which makes it extremely painful for me to believe they love me.
But if you end up with someone secure then you can find that they give you enough attention so you don’t spiral.

As someone else said, we all have an attachment style so it’s just a case of finding the person who fits with you.

What does annoy me slightly is I am not really all that clingy or desperate, I just need to feel secure, but sadly it comes across as the former often.

Anxious. Very much so, and in a way which has recently negatively impacted a relationship.

I can feel myself getting stressed about a possible break in communications even when there is no reason to think there might be. Insecurity, need for validation of the relationship.

I just keep telling myself I need to chill the f*ck out.

Interestingly, it's not with all my relationships. But it's a tiring way to live.

Fearful-Avoidant without a shadow of a doubt. Poly is great for me in the early stages of dating because I only had to be "just good/interesting enough" once or twice a month, but is incredibly painful when it ends because it confirms all my self-doubt.

It’s exhausting isn’t it confused

Avoidant definitely. If you're interested this book is great: