Hi everybody, im feeling very depressed at the moment so please bare with me! :)
My ex left in november 2017. Mutual decision, no issues he left the home and we both got on with our lives with him having our son every other weekend pick up friday drop off sunday. All good. He moved in with the woman he had been cheating on me with and about one month in he starts refusing maintainence. I thought no worries i'll just go through CMS which i've done so at least when it comes to payment i've got somebody fighting my corner.
Fast forward i've met a wonderful man who adores me and my children exactly how we always deserved to be adored and we are all very happy. Ex seems fine that i've met someone (not that he has any room to talk anyway) and its all bumbling along nicely. My partner asks us to move in with him in essex (im originally suffolk) i agree as first most importantly i think its a very positive step in our relationship and we work well as a unit as well as a family unit and also where i was living was absolutly terrible. the house was full of mould, the area was becoming rife with drugs and stabbings and if anything my partner couldnt bare to see us living there. I told my sons dad who kicked off saying that i cant take his son away from him. I explained we are only moving 40 minutes away and i am not going to put my life on hold for his convinence. I am also not going to stay in a terrible place for his convinence neither. also 40 minutes in my opinion isnt an unreasonable distance. He kicks of majorly, starts threatening me with court to take my son away, threatens me with my mental health. (my divorce was granted purely based on the fact that my ex was incredibly abusive towards me and made my mental health so bad i was almost hospitalised) Also threatening to call the police saying that im breaking the law by taking our son out of the county. (yes seriously, all tactics to try scare me and control me that i'm used too and would have worked many moons ago) Luckily after counselling and healing and having a fantastic support network his empty threats havent phased me and i just keep calm explaining that this is what is happening and he cannot stop that. He agrees to pick up and drop off to carry on as normal. I never denied him our son.
Heres where it gets worse. He agrees to pick up and drop off and then over the space of the year nearly every weekend that he see's our son when it comes to dropping him home he messages me with an excuse as to why he cant for example, his dad is ill, (his dad is fine we have a very good relationship) his girlfriends son is ill (in my opinion doesnt affect the drop off) when i reply saying that these excuses arent good enough he then gives me the real reason which is that he feels he shouldnt have to drop him home because i am the one that moved away. I should be the one to pick him up. I and other people i have contacted disagree with this as first off, i am the primary carer and he is the absent parent. if he wants contact which i am offering with his son and being more than reasonable with he should collect and drop off. secondly i have another child who gets dropped off by her dad on the sunday also (he has no problem with the arrangement) and i have to be home for her also. Thirdly i am now pregnant (yay) meaning that i am finding it difficult to get around and still wouldnt be able to pick up my son when i have two other children to look after and he has none and no reason not to drop him off. His only reason is to carry on with trying to control me. These issues have been prevelant and every other sunday i am terrified he wont bring him home, he refuses to bring him home and countless time family members of mine and my partner have had to collect my son. My ex is purely doing this out of spite and no other reason.
He also is avoiding paying child maintanence by registering as self employed and job hopping refusing to stay in a job longer than one or two months and then not informing the cms making their lives harder too. He has arreears now and the enforcement team are back on his case. He threatened me with the cms saying he would pay me if i dropped the case but i refused knowing him to be a liar. we fast forward to christmas and drop off/collection seems to be going okay. apart from the fact my son no longer wants to go to daddys and says that daddy is unkind and he wants to stay home. His behaviour reflects this when he does come home and he spends all week trying to bargin with me so he doesnt have to go. I always say he should and he will have fun but it is heartbreaking (he's 3 and i've called health visitors to help us with this) I get a phone call from mediation saying that my ex has now decided he wants me to go to mediation to discuss "parenting" issues and i assume the drop off situation. I rang the mediator to say that i cannot get to ipswich (where he wants the mediation, again control) because i have two children here who obviously have school and nursery and i am also now heavily pregnant struggling with moving so is there any alternative, she was lovely and very understanding and rang my ex who said he would discuss it with me when he see's me and decide if he wants to pursue mediation. I've messaged him to say that a discussion when he seems me isnt an option because its unfair on our son to drag out the pick up process when he's already screaming for me not to make him go. (its very traumatic and i dont know what i can do about it if im honest) Im waiting for him to reply.
Lastly i've had to call the police on him very recently because he is commiting fraud against my address (sending debt collectors letters here so they come to my door instead of his) when he has never lived at this address. The police are investigating rightly so and thankfully the debt collectors were very understanding when i explained the kind of man he is and that the police were involved. but its just another thing to add to the pile.
which leaves me here. I am at my wits end. I am tired and i feel my mental resiliance i've built slipping away with his constant chipping away at it. with all that goes on that i've explained he also openly mocks me and is generally horrible when he see's me to collect our son. I ignore the comments but it goes build up. I dont know what else to do. I have minimal contact with him (he tries to message me about things not relating to our son and i ignore the messages) and when he does message me about our son i obviously reply. it just seems like he cant leave me alone? not my son i dont expect that and like i said i've never denied contact i've even offered additional in holidays and things despite the fact my son openly says he hates going.
How can i manage him in a way that it doesnt affect mine and my partners lives? it seems that there is always something if its not him refusing cms its him shouting at me about drop offs if its not that its threats of mediation which seems completely pointless and now there is fraud involved. Are there any charities or groups that could maybe help me? Like i said earlier he was a very abusive partner and my divorce petition is based on that and i still feel like i am suffering from him even though i've done all the things i can think off to get away.
Any advice would be helpful or even just a virtual hug. lol
xxx