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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Online dating query

25 replies

Ceebeegee · 09/01/2019 07:28

Hi everyone
I'm relatively new to online dating and wanted to run something by you to guage opinion.
I think the guy I've met might have a girlfriend/wife. Before I call him out on it ,I just wanted to run my thinking to see if I have a genuine reason to be concerned or whether it's just me being paranoid .

He is from a city 30 minutes from my town. Each time we've met ,hes insisted it's in my town. He hasn't been to my house yet but each "date" has been somewhere in my town. At first I thought it was nice so I didn't have to travel far but I'm thinking he might want to keep away from his city so we are not seen.

Contact - he will be in contact all day from 8am to 4pm, but as soon as 4pm hits, the messages go undelivered like he has disabled whatsapp. I'm lucky if I get one or two messages at night, I just think it's odd. He works a regular day job ,doesn't have any kids . I know people get busy but it's such a difference from the day time when he's on the phone all the time . To nothing at night. Makes me think he is going home to a wife /girlfriend.

Living situation . He was quite vague about his living situation . He said he's living with his parents at the moment. It might be completely genuine but again it might be a way of making sure I can't go to his house where his wife / gf lives .

What do you guys think ? I do like spending time with this guy so I don't want to ruin it if it's completely genuine.

OP posts:

Outfoxed · 09/01/2019 07:29

Have you asked him what happens at 4 every day?

Cuttingthegrass · 09/01/2019 07:29

Ask him about it

daphine2004 · 09/01/2019 07:33

Have you met after 4pm during the week?

I would also ask him, not call him on it. With OLD you can just say it’s not working and move on.

Howdoyoudoit31 · 09/01/2019 07:38

I knew someone like this that I met on online dating. Nearly exactly the same.

He had a wife. He also had 2 kids that he lied about and said he never had any and was currently living at his parents.

Hope it’s not the same guy!

LuluBellaBlue · 09/01/2019 07:40

I agree it sounds suspicious, if ask why he’s never in touch in the evenings - especially if he’s supposed to be at home with mum and dad

DanielCraigsUnderpants · 09/01/2019 07:46

I think your instincts are right on this one.

Chocolate123 · 09/01/2019 07:52

Definitely hiding something probably right a wife or gf

IamIwas · 09/01/2019 07:54

So how have you managed to see him if he is unavailable after 4? It is suspicious.

Sexnotgender · 09/01/2019 08:03

Sounds a little suspicious. Have you searched him online?

Musti · 09/01/2019 08:08

Yes sounds dodgy! It sounds like he's doing the school run. Do you know his full name and have you looked him up on social media?

Original poster

Ceebeegee · 09/01/2019 08:55

@Howdoyoudoit31 he's not a from a small city beginning with L is he ? He also says he doesn't have kids.

We've only ever seen each other on Saturday day times . With hindsight, it was quite difficult to arrange a meeting , he hasn't been able to do a Friday night or Sunday daytime because of various reasons . He hasn't ever offered to meet up on a weekday , it's just always been Saturdays . Now I'm reading that back to myself it's certainly throwing more suspicion on it !

I mentioned to him that he goes quiet at night / tried to make a light hearted "what have you been up to all night ", he says things like
"Sorry I fell asleep by 7 ,I had such a tough day"

Or "the Wi-Fi here isn't reliable "
Or "I was at my local with a mate ".

I know his full name , he said he doesn't use Facebook . I have searched but couldn't find him .

OP posts:

Wexler · 09/01/2019 09:12

Sounds like even if there is nothing dodgy going on you’re not going to get much of a relationship out of this anyway. Seeing someone the occasional Saturday and not speaking in the evening is hardly going to make for a great relationship. I’d dump and move on 😊

SonataDentata · 09/01/2019 09:12

Extremely suspicious. Sounds like he’s blocking you after 4pm so he doesn’t get any messages from you that would be inconvenient... If you tap on his name and no status is visible (e.g. “Hi there, I’m using WhatsApp...”) and your messages remain on one tick, then you’ve been blocked.

SonataDentata · 09/01/2019 09:13

P.S. I know someone who has maintained a mistress for a year using exactly this method. He blocks the mistress whenever he’s with his wife.

Original poster

Ceebeegee · 09/01/2019 09:15

Thank you for the replies. I'll listen to my instinct on this one and call it a day .
Why is online dating so bloody hard ?!

OP posts:

Original poster

Ceebeegee · 09/01/2019 09:16

That's shocking @SonataDentata!

My husband cheated on me for months - I had no clue whatsoever. I wondered how he'd managed it.

OP posts:

SonataDentata · 09/01/2019 09:19

Yes, it is shocking. I think on the whole, social media and smartphones have made it easier to get caught cheating but some people are bloody clever with them too.

VirtuallyConfused · 09/01/2019 10:51

I chat to a married man, our pattern of communication identical to what you describe.

He's fitting you in where he's less likely to get caught.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 09/01/2019 12:22

Have you tried looking for him on sm using his phone number. You can do this on fb it doesn't always work, depends how he has his account set up. Also if you save him as a contact go to messenger as he may pop up up on your messed
Gee contact list automatically you can then use the head ice to be redirected to his fb account. Just an idea

Notcoolmum · 09/01/2019 12:31

Yes definitely sounds dodgy. Why can’t he be clear on his living arrangements. If he has no kids and lives with his folks surely the evening is when he’d want to talk to you and meet up with you.

I’m seeing someone without SM and it freaks me out. How do I know he’s not still married? He has invited me to his current home (shared house) so I’m hoping that will put me at ease.

Mind you my other iron still lives with his ex so that’s a worry too!

You are right OLD is so bloody complicated!!

Original poster

Ceebeegee · 09/01/2019 16:54

Thank you for your replies everyone.

I've put the phone number in social media but no profiles come up . Usually when I add someone to my phone , I get them show up in my "you may know this person " list on Facebook but nothing showing.

Also . ...hes told me he's a self employed tradesperson - for example, a plumber or a joiner. I googled his number and nothing comes up at all, not on any directories or anything . This is also something I find odd. Unless he has another number solely for work.

I appreciate everyone has busy lives but a single guy with no kids ,living with his parents... being uncontactable from 4 pm and not on Fridays or Sundays is just not normal.

And Yes to the previous posters, it doesn't bode well for any kind of relationship if it's only meeting on a Saturday ! It would take forever to get to know someone!

I think he knows something wrong because I've got a bit quiet on him and he's asking what's wrong. As soon as I've finished this post I'm going to message him the "thanks but no thanks " message

OP posts:

SuperSuperSuper · 09/01/2019 19:22

It's really suspicious.

I wonder if he'll try to get you to change your mind.

LuckyLou7 · 09/01/2019 19:34

Married with children, probably tells his wife he's playing golf/going to the gym on Saturdays. You're right to get rid, your instincts are spot on.

Onwards and upwards, one of my workmates dated 7 separate men OLD, and they were all older, shorter and fatter than their profiles stated. 3 were married but claimed to be separated. She decided to give it one last shot, and met the lovely man she is now married to. There are decent guys out there, it's just a question of sifting the wheat from the chaff.

GirlfriendInAKorma · 09/01/2019 19:37

Sounds dodgy as.
Got to be hiding something...

Howdoyoudoit31 · 10/01/2019 12:16

No, the bloke I knew was from bath.

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