When both parents have mental health issues/PD’s

[PrickWhittington]

Posting this out of curiosity really. I had a very difficult and chaotic childhood, mainly due to my parents inability to look after me very well, despite both being very intelligent. My mother suffered what I now know to be schizo affective disorder and bipolar (from her old medical notes) and had frequent delusions and bouts of psychosis. However, this was never well managed as she never believed there was anything wrong with her and refused to ever see and doctors for it. In hindsight, I wonder if she actually had NPD or similar as so many of her behaviours were typical of this, and I know that psychosis can also be a feature of it.

My Dad was what me and my sister called ‘mad’, he had some really odd habits that were very noticeable that he appeared to also be completely unaware of, for example constant muttering to himself and having frequent rages in public. He was also incredibly volatile, controlling and obsessed with routine and we all lived in fear of his frequent bursts of temper. I was also very isolated as I had no extended or any other family except a sibling. Again in hindsight, it now seems very clear that my Dad had ASD/ ASD, but we didn’t have a name for it back then, no one did. In addition, he was also a recovering alcoholic (although off the drink as far as I remember) and was also affected by a TBI caused by a fall where he suffered severe head injuries before I was born.

Both parents functioned adequately on a social level, I suspect people thought they were a little odd or eccentric but my Mum in particular was very convincing at keeping that side of her hidden to outsiders.

Behind closed doors though, their issues meant we lived a very chaotic and unhappy life. They were unable to ever put our needs before theirs, so we suffered from severe emotional abuse and neglected that has had a massive impact on the rest of my life. However, despite many clues that something was wrong at home (eg, early suicide attempts, self harm and going completely off the rails as a teen) no one ever picked up on it. The view seemed to be that because my Dad had a well paying and very respected job, and we lived in a nice house/area there was nothing wrong, and I was just a spoilt ungrateful child which was so far from the truth. This was in the 70’s/ 80’s and emotional abuse just wasn’t recognised back then.

Anyway, I’ve sometimes wondered whether the effect it all had on me would have been less if at least one of my parents were ‘normal’. I know many people who had one parent with similar MHI’s/PD’s, but I’ve never met anyone who also had two parents with issues, and I’d be really interested to hear from anyone who had similar, and the effect it had on them. The hardest part of it for me is knowing both were abusive, yet not being able to hate or blame them for it as it wasn’t their fault. They simply didn’t know how to love or nurture a child in the way that they need. Can anyone relate? I feel very alone in it all, and find it difficult to talk about as it feels like no one really understands.

My father has a TBI and my mother schizo affective disorder, they both have PTSD too. This led to them both having substance abuse issues.

I can identify with quite a bit of what you said. My childhood was incredibly chaotic, many house moves at short notice, violence and aggression, drug use etc. My parents has little sense of safety and were too trusting of people, I was babysat by convicted murderers.
Things like bullying, self harm etc were never noticed. I spent a lot of my childhood being their carer really, trying to keep things on track.

I don’t feel I was abused though, my parents are not horrible people, they did try their best, their issues just made it quite impossible to be as a parent should be.

They have both transformed now after finally receiving appropriate treatment. It took a long time but they really are so normal, they can’t actaully believe how they used to be and are sorry we had to live through it. I think this is why I don’t feel abused, I have been able to see what they are like when treated and the difference is remarkable.

I have to say, the behaviour of your father does sound quite typical of TBI, I wouldn’t assume ASD.

I grew up in a single parent household. Mum's diagnosis was bi polar. But she never took medication.

I have no clue of my childhood would have been better or worse with another parent who didn't have MH problems. Honestly I don't spend time pondering things I can change. I didn't have another parent. I had a parent whose behaviour I had to manage. Thinking about all the what it's doesn't help. Not Saying you should ponder it. Just saying that as I will never know. I don't.

Sorry to read this .

Are you and your sister able to support each other? I think you're pragmatic approach will help you process it in that they both had issues which caused them to behave that way. It wasn't premeditated or malicious in itself saying that not wanting to diminish the impact it's had on your life.

Thank you for the replies - very interesting.

HangryPoppet I also relate to a lot of what you say. In our case, the babysitter/family friend was a paedophile. My Mum seemed aware of this too, but it was made light of, and she almost jokingly used to refer to him as a 'dirty old man'. I also found letters between the two of them that hinted at sort of affair but she just dismissed this as fantasy on his part. Whether she knew, or just didn't care of the risk he posed I will never know.

I realise my description of my Dad would apply to a TBI alone, but there is no doubt in my mind or my sisters that he had ASD. He was almost a textbook case - a massively high achiever academically (he even started medical school at 17, a year ahead) yet he had no social skills or awareness whatsoever. He had lots of odd habits, eg collecting train timetables, and was completely egocentric, which led to him alienate all of his family and friends. Its pitiful now to look back at his attempts to 'fit in' - back in those days, people would openly laugh at some of his behaviours when out in public. I think this was the root of his drink problem, which later led to his accident/ suicide attempt (I don't know which is was, he never spoke of it). I think the TBI compounded his problems, as did his addictions, but they were definitely not the cause of them by all accounts.

they have both transformed now after finally receiving appropriate treatment. It took a long time but they really are so normal, they can’t actaully believe how they used to be and are sorry we had to live through it. I think this is why I don’t feel abused

See this part here, I think it was what I always dreamed of. An acknowledgement from them of what they did to us, even if not an apology. But it wasn't to be - neither ever accepted they had a problem, let alone any treatment. My Dad did seem to avoid alcohol for most of my life, but used drugs heavily - valium, benzos even quaaludes when they were available, however, as a doctor he was able to prescribe for himself, so this weren't under the radar for a long long time.

Anyway, in the end I lost both of them prematurely and unexpectedly, my Dad 20 years ago and my Mum last year. Both deaths were in part due to their MH problems (my Mum more so). They both died when we were on extremely bad terms, and I never got to got to say goodbye or sorry and it does haunt me. I feel awful now of how ashamed I was of them over the years, and also that I am only able to understand them a bit now they are gone. I also feel guilt that I was unable to help them.

Yet I still feel angry, and like I was abused, because I was. The abuse wasn't all by default, much of it was directed at us. I also feel angry at a society that let it happen, and a society that let them down as well as us. due to the total lack of MH recognition and help available.

It's difficult. I think I am grieving not only for my parents but also for the 'happy ending' I know I will never get. I am also angry I think at a childhood that led to a life of abuse and underachievement as an adult. I realise people have it worse, but it is the trying to make sense of it all I struggle with. I hate the world 'closure', but I think that is the word that most closely describes what I am looking for In respect of my childhood. I have spent most of my adult life trying NOT to think of my early years, yet since their deaths I've had almost a compulsion to try and address it, draw a line under it maybe. But it is so hard - trying to explain it all takes me right back to feeling so different from others, flawed even.

I realise this is a long post, but would like to say that this is the first time I have ever told all this to anyone else really. And it feels very good to have been able to do so and not worry I will be judged for it.

The hardest part of it for me is knowing both were abusive, yet not being able to hate or blame them for it as it wasn’t their fault. They simply didn’t know how to love or nurture a child in the way that they need. Can anyone relate?

Yes yes yes. I totally understand this. I was raised by a single mother with mental health issues and was an only child, also home educated so pretty isolated growing up although I had friends and friends of the family plus a lovely granddad which helped massively.

I had therapy to process the end of a relationship a few years ago and during it (18 months of therapy, before I ran out of money!) I went NC with my mum which was both the hardest and best decision I've ever made. But I didn't really touch on my childhood a huge amount in therapy because my therapist was very 'marriage counselling' centered and seemed slightly at a loss as to what to say about my childhood, I didn't think she really understood. So I do understand the feeling of lonliness. Even as an adult, going no contact with my mum was fraught with difficulty as I worried that everyone would think I was cruel and unreasonable, all they saw was this mild and sweet middle aged/ older lady who wouldn't say boo to a goose. They didn't know what it was like growing up with her and she did to my sense of self and self-esteem.

I have realised I'm going to have to go in depth at some point in regards to my childhood - there is so much I am sad about having missed out on. But I didn't know where to start, I can't discuss it with friends and I can't afford more therapy. I also feel very alone with the memories.
Thanks for starting this thread. I hope you find some peace with your own childhood, OP.

Boysandbuses. That sounds hard. After posting I did think I should also have asked about those who just had one parent with similar issues, as I suppose that must be the same really.

I think one of my problems has been that I am worried people won't believe me like they didn't back then. That it is too far fetched to have both parents like this, but it still to go under the radar. My sister understands completely, she was there too, that is a comfort as I think without that validation from her I would have struggled to believe my perceptions of all that happened were true.

As adults however, we are very very different - she handled things better, and chose a very 'safe' and stable life, whilst I did the complete opposite really - I was left with BPD/ PTSD and made awful choices in men and everything really as an adult, which must have been exasperating for her. There was also very much a golden girl/ scapegoat dynamic from my Mum which I think also affected our relationship which makes me sad. We now only have each other left (apart from our children) yet our relationship is strained, although we were close for a while.

brassbrass - thank you for your words. I hope a pragmatic approach will help. It is the last bit of your post I struggle with though really - it's like I can't be angry at them because it was not malevolent, they couldn't help it. My Dad did some awful things, and I remember my Mum responding to my outrage by saying 'he is a very sick man, you have to make exceptions for him' (she had no awareness at all that the same often applied to her as well). Yet the impact of his (and her) behaviour was just the same as if it was more malicious and intended. I think that is what I struggle with. I have anger about things that were done to me but no one to direct it at except myself, and that is so destructive, I know.

Ah no no I don't mean you cant be angry or disappointed or anything else. Each and every feeling is valid you don't have to justify to anyone else. I meant more it might be helpful to focus on the fact that it all came out of two damaged people rather than two nasty people who actively spent all day trying to hurt you on purpose. Sorry I'm probably not explaining myself very well!

I did say at the end it doesn't diminish the impact on your childhood and adult life. I get that.

RhubarbTea thank you so much for your post . I'm so sorry you went through similar, but I too relate to so much of what you say - the isolation you felt. Knowing you need to address it but 'not knowing where to start' - those are the exact words both me and my sister use to try and explain it.

going no contact with my mum was fraught with difficulty as I worried that everyone would think I was cruel and unreasonable, all they saw was this mild and sweet middle aged/ older lady who wouldn't say boo to a goose. They didn't know what it was like growing up with her and she did to my sense of self and self-esteem.

This part, I could have written myself. I never went completely no contact with my Mum, but I did withdraw massively after some counselling (for DV) made me aware of just how destructive our relationship was, and the effect it had on me. I was also almost constantly angry and resentful at her, even when she was being 'nice' for not ever seeing or acknowledging the damage she had done, and for making me the 'black sheep', the bad one who caused all the trouble.

Sadly though, I now have to live with knowing that my withdrawal, in part, paid a part in her death. I think that will always haunt me. I loved her deeply, but had to try and disentangle myself from her toxic behaviour, for both self- preservation and to stop my children being affected by the things she did. I also cut my Dad off a few months before he died. I found that easier to deal with though as his behaviour was much more severe and openly abusive than my Mum's.

I know how you feel when you say how alone you feel with the memories. It's so hard isn't it, trying to gloss over it all but knowing you can't really, the past is there and needs dealing with, and making peace with. But yes, not knowing where to start, definitely that.

brassbrass Sorry if I made it sound differently, but I honestly didn't take your post the way you describe at all . I know you weren't trying to invalidate the effect it had one me. On the contrary, I found it compassionate and helpful. Thank you.