Sadly time to move on now?

[Mangos22]

13 months ago I fell in love with a colleague. Infatuating, all-consuming, head over heals movie-style love. Spending every moment together since, sharing every secret.

Thing is, he's foreign and has plans to move back to his home country (far away). This is something that has always been in his plan, way before he met me. He adores and misses his home very much (perhaps more than he loves me, but I'm scared to ask that question...)

Not just is he my lover, he's my best friend as well. I adore him. In fact he's my only friend. But I don't know what to do about the situation.

On one hand, I don't want to lose him, especially as a friend. I feel completely comfortable with him, something I've never had before even with my own family or a boyfriend I was with for 7 years. Even if we can't be together romantically, the idea of being his best friend for life excites me; I want to go on holiday with him, I want to call him up just for a chat, head round his house uninvited for a coffee etc.

On the other hand, as much as I love him, I feel hurt by him - I do truly believe he is in love with me, but why does he want to leave? I also feel I'm never going to be able to be just his friend. What if he moves on, gets married? I can't watch that.

I'm scared - scared that I love him too much, scared that I'm going to resent him for leaving and most of all scared that I'm always going to be in love with him. I don't know how to move on from him.

I guess what I'm asking is - do I continue to be his friend, or do I need to cut him out of my life even though I don't want to? Or do I find a way to accept that we can never be together properly?

Until about 3 months ago, we were boyfriend and girlfriend however at my requests (and his at first reluctance) we agreed that we would be 'friends with benefits'. I told him that I felt I needed to start branching out if we didn't have a future together. He was sad, but understood that I needed to think of my future for when he leaves. I don't know when he plans to leave but I think In the next year, judging from things he's said including throwaway casual comments (I don't think these are said to hurt me although I have explained how much they do, yet he continues).

I have recently been on a few dates with a man who I like (he's playing the field with dates so not exclusive, so this isn't a problem. He is aware I have a Fwb bit not the whole story) but all the time I am with him, all I can think about is my colleague and how he's just not him. Sigh.

So please, tell me how to get over the love of my life. Getting over him will be the hardest thing I'll ever do.

You sound all over the place and are sending completely mixed messages to him. On the one had you’re going on like he’s the love of your life, on the other you’ve started to date other men, what’s that all about?

Also, how come he’s your only friend?

Sorry, maybe I didn't make it clear - I am trying to move on to help myself in the long run, when he leaves.

I'm just not very good at making friends, and lost touch with old school/college ones. Also Find it hard to relate to people and if I'm completely honest, don't like people all that much! Hence it's rare that I'm so comfortable with someone.

Maybe making more friends is a good first step ? Means a bigger support system

I don't have much advice as far as the romance goes I just hope your heart feels full again soon x

Why not just carry on going out with him until he goes back home and agree that when he does it will end? I appreciate that will hurt, but it sounds like you’re hurting anyway? It’s as if your trying to protect yourself from him rejecting you by rejecting him first, rather than allowing things to develop or end more naturally.

Mangos22, try to enjoy the relationship as it is for what it is right now, get as much as you can out of it.

I've known others in similar situations and when the guy went back to his home country - it was not the end for the couple! He returned but he needed a bit of time and space to be sure what he wanted.

I'm not suggested you think your boyfriend will do that but you are obviously both having such a good time.

I hope it continues for as long as possible .

I think the whole dating others is probably bugger all to do with you moving on. It sounds more like a ploy to make him realise what he might lose.
This will not work. And it will be damaging
You say he’s not leaving till next year? Why can’t you just date and see where it goes naturally.
Are you running out of time in some way.

He Doesn't have fixed plans to leave and if you're both in love then I'm sure you'll work something out. Could you move to his country? Has he talked about a future with you?

Getting over him will be the hardest thing I'll ever do

Well, if that’s the hardest thing you ever have to do in your life, you’ll have lived a blessed life.

You’re all over the place and sending very mixed messages. You knew his plan was to go home, but you still got involved with him. You’re madly in love with him but you said you wanted to stop being a couple and just be FWB, yet you’re sad and grumpy when he talks about his home country. You act like a gf except you want to date others...tbh it’s a credit to him that he hasn’t told you to bugger off. Get yourself sorted. Either be in a relationship with him or end it. You can’t be half in, half out.

Has he EVER asked you to move to his home country with him?

It sounds as if you're sabotaging the relationship, which is what we often do when we feel frightened or not in control of the situation. Take a step back, what would you truly like to happen? Him to decide to stay and you marry and live happily ever after? Breaking up and dating other people doesn't seem likely to make that happen. As a previous poster said, if you invested in the relationship, and also in widening your (platonic) friendship group, the two of you might find a way to make it work. Or if not, you'll know you tried your best.

I do truly believe he is in love with me, but why does he want to leave?
Why don't you want to go with him? Is he hurt by that?
Moving permanently to a foreign country changes the course of your entire life. You will always be the foreigner, always in a foreign culture, always the one who has things explained to them, always at a slight disadvantage because everything is that little bit harder for you (however well you speak the language), always at risk of being hated. You're likely to have a comparatively lower income and different career. Your family back home develop their relationship with one another more deeply while you gradually lose touch further and further.