Advice needed!!!...

[Lubilu28]

So this problem is with my sister and her boyfriend!

She’s 26, he’s 28!

They have been together for 3 years and since last year (and a bit more) they have been saving to buy their first home!!

It all came to light on New Year’s Day when my sister had booked a house viewing that he hasn’t been saving and hasn’t got a penny! After telling my sister (and a mortgage advisor) he has almost £5000!!

A few days later it all became clear he’s been gambling away almost every day and has got him self into debt of about £6000 (could be more I don’t trust him!) he also told her he had got rid of his credit card but that was a lie!

He ended the relationship saying he couldn’t be with her knowing she will never be happy with him and he will only be happy once he sees her happy with someone else!!

Now it’s seems to be the other way round and he’s flipped it over and is making out that now he’s come clean all should be forgiven and she should support him! Because if this was the other way round he would be there for her!! Also he’s said he’s going to moving out (renting) in the next 2 months with or without her! He wants my sister to compromise and forget about buying her own place and rent with him!!

Sorry for the long post but am I right in saying wtf?? He’s always been a bit odd, and I’ve had doubts he was right for her from the start! Problem is he’s on a low income, £1000 a month but apparently it’s will be £2000 a month by the end of the year? Really, that’s convenient!

I understand he’s in a rut and needs help but why should my sister be there for him after all the lies?? And I know she will end up paying off his debts and she will be left with nothing and in a unhappy relationship!

What more can I do? I know it’s her decision and I can’t tell her how to live her life but I know it won’t work and she will of wasted more years with the wrong person!

Just tell her what you think and then leave it up to her. Nothing more you can do.

Forgot to say if his income is £1000 a month how the hell can he afford to move out and pay of his debts? I’m worried he’s pushing for her to ‘support him’ just so at some point she will pay it off for him! Also he needs her to move out as he can’t afford to do it alone! It’s such a hard decision for her to make I’m just so scared for her!!

Sounds like he's a pretty hopeless case but as you say she'll make her own decision regardless. Suggest you don't push it. Just do lots of listening and asking her what's important to her in a relationship. If trust is key, or an equal partnership, then he's unlikely to offer that. Would also be worth finding out what he has done about the gambling addiction and what he's down about paying back his creditors. If he's done nothing she might want to wait and see some action before she throws her lot in with him again. But love does tend to be blind!

@ReaganSomerset I have done! So many times! As soon as she speaks to him she comes running back to me asking what I think again and again!! I don’t need this stress I’m pregnant, in the middle of an extension which is a mess and a demanding toddler lol

But obviously I’m gonna be there for her no matter what but also he’s trying to pull her away from us and we’re a close knit family! Worried that he will eventually turn her against us!

Well he sounds a real catch, must have ladies queuing round the block to get a piece of him. So in short he’s unreliable, deceitful and with a side helping of manipulative. Nice.

Clearly if your sister has an ounce of common sense she’ll run a mile. BUT easier said than done. Love has a habit of making us blind and stupid. Our rational and sensible thoughts get shelved and we make poor choices. Hence so many people end up in terrible relationships.

If she’s still besotted with him odds are she won’t appreciate your comments. A case of shooting the messenger. I’d be as supportive as you can be, make yourself available for her. If she wants out or your opinion then by all means jump in. But be careful. Like I said, love clouds judgement.

@Oldstyle my sisters told me that he doesn’t think he needs help as he’s come clean so they should just put it behind them 🙄! Even his mum has gotten involved and telling my sister she needs to be there to support him through this but what is she supporting? If he’s not willing to go out and get help then what’s the point!!

@maximumcarnage one minute she’s telling me she can’t be with him and agrees with me but as soon as she’s spoken to or seen him, she’s back to square 1 saying he will change he told me so 🙄!

Unfortunately my mum found out that being too pushy resulted in my sister screaming at her and storming out! Luckily she came straight to me and we sorted it out, but she did want to run back to him!

I’m just so scared for her!

Well you think it’s bad news bears. I think it’s bad news bears. It IS bad news bears. But what can anyone do about it? Sod all. That’s the horrible reality. To see someone you love and care about his heart breaking. Believe me, I know. But when we love someone we can’t think straight.

Only she can make the decision to walk away. All you can do is support her. I’ve seen first hand how destructive a situation it is. I’ve posted about it before, how a woman I knew ended up with a lying, cheating, violent partner. I tried everything to get her out, her family too. But the harder we tried the more she dug her heels in. The happy and outgoing woman became a shadow of her former self. All you can do is be there for her.

Tell her to get rid ASAP!

Gambling is the hardest addiction to deal with because really there's nothing stopping them doing it, they'll always find money from somewhere, stealing, fraud etc if necessary, and they don't pass out from the effects on occasion or it damaging their bodies which is huge motivation/deterrant/physical limitation for substance addicts.

Seriously - get her to go to a couple GA open meetings and her eyes will be well and truly opened!

They're often (due to it funding their habit) excellent con artists too. Very convincing. Might be worth googling "his name fraud conviction".

At this point she needs to THOROUGHLY check her credit records (he could well have run up debt in her name or on property of hers) and alert her bank. Cancel any joint financial arrangements. Keep ANY financial items well out of his reach - including bank cards and even account numbers.

Very seriously she needs to get rid ASAP.

I have a family full of addicts including a few gamblers (most addicts have more than one addiction anyway), the worst has run through several homes (& families he figured out early on a way to get women to stay with him was impregnate them) in his pursuit of "the big win". Nobody in the family believes a word he says, several won't even have wallets/purses on them when they see him!

It's hard but keep saying to her that addicts don't change until they get actual specialised help. He can't just say "he's changed" and it magically becomes true. He needs to commit to:

Therapy/12 step programme
Cutting up credit cards
Banning himself from bookies & online sites
Only having a basic bank account with no overdraft facility.
NO gambling AT ALL - that means no lottery, no fruit machines, no office sweepstakes etc

What does he gamble on?

Only 1 of the addicts I know has (so far) quit successfully and it's taken them a long time and a lot of work ON THEIR PART to get there.

Hi OP,

First of all, I am so very sorry for what your sister must be going through? How does she feel in all of this and what does she want, really thats all that matters.

However, I would not purchase a house with someone I was not married too. Each to their own but this guy doesn't sound all that great and I would be wary even without his troubles. Your sister would be better buying the house in her own name and having him contribute towards the mortgage payments. Once he has paid off his debt, she can trust him more or maybe later down the line once they are married, she can add his name to the mortgage.

I hope she's okay though and doesn't feel pressured into anything.

Just wondering why the OP has so many exclamation marks

You know what, I hadn’t noticed till you pointed out.

Hook her up with GamCare www.gamcare.org.uk/ She can get support and advice about dealing with him and get a deeper understanding of problem gambling. Hopefully she'll see the light, but in the meantime, knowledge.

@Christmasfairy07 🙈 it’s out of habit and having really bad punctuation haha 😂

She’s on the same page as me and now it just seems he’s trying his hardest just to win her back as he has no where to live and needs her to be able to afford rent and doesn’t really care if she’s not happy at least he will be! He’s completely missing the whole reason why this even happened.

She’s been reading up about gambling addiction and knows there’s just no quick and easy fix like he keeps saying.

I’m gonna be there for her and support her but I don’t want anything to do with him, and neither does my parents.

She should live separately and he can go back to his mum's and save up to pay back his debts. If he's going to be on £2k he'll be able to do that. Then in a few years they can look at getting a house together. Let him prove himself (we all know that he won't) before she shackles herself to this nightmare man and a lifetime of debts, gambling and losing everything she's worked for.

Yep! Bet his mums attempts to get your sis to stay with him is so the mum doesn't end up bailing him out/supporting him. I wonder how long his gambling history is REALLY.

You know what, I hadn’t noticed till you pointed out

I had. Until her most recent post, I wondered if she had a phobia of full stops!
Sorry, not remotely helpful to OP or her sister.

Throw gambling into the mix and it's a recipe for eternal misery If it were my sister I would beg her to walk away and never look back.

Nobody ever listens to good advice from their family, do they? The sister will have to make her own mind up, and hopefully make the right decision at the same time. Otherwise, every one just waits for the inevitable fallout.

No advice OP, just hope your sister listens to the advice as she is young and has her whole life ahead if her, and this guy sounds like a recipe for disaster.
If it was true he's sorting things out (which I very much doubt) he'd stand on his own 2 feet before involving your sister. Life is hard enough with everyone trying their best, I can't imagine what it must be like with someone spending your money in gambling. So his great plan is that she has to give up her plans to buy a house and rent instead "to support him"? No thanks.

If i were you id let her know your comcerns but also that you will support her in her decision.
Money and home ownership are not everyones priority. I guess your sister needs to decide what is her priority. A gambler is however very difficult to live with,trust etc. I dont think i could do it.

Did anybody else read that in thier head with an inflection on every sentence lol