Do you have a DP with ADD/ ADHD?

[WisdomOfCrowds]

I'm almost certain my partner has ADD. No hyperactivity, but every other symptom. Reading about it online feels like his picture might as well be displayed with the article. Years of frustration and resentment have finally made perfect sense.

Of course I might just be seeing what I want to see. He might just be a lazy selfish disorganised twat... but that means my relationship is over, so let's run with the ADD theory for a bit.

If your partner has ADHD/ ADD how does this manifest in your every day lives? Is it diagnosed or do you just have suspicions? Does your partner also think they have it? Most importantly, how do you (plural) manage it? If you're managing to have a happy healthy balanced fulfilling relationship with a partner with ADD please, come give me hope. And if you couldn't work it out and you split up... I guess come give me a hard dose of reality.

Yes mine does. He has only recently worked out he has it but it certainly all adds up now. I have to constantly remind him of things and pause the tv whilst im talking. He probably sees it as nagging. Since learning he has it he has tried to work ways of managing it. He gets anxious in certain situations so he pushes himself to do.it. Its hard sometimes as you get annoyed but then its about working together. I thought he didnt care a lot of the time but he jjst doesnt always think xx

Does this sound familiar?

He Said, She Said, They Danced www.additudemag.com/he-said-she-said-they-danced/

There some useful articles in this online magazine. This one really resonated for us, and helps with not getting angry and frustrated.

Honestly every single word of that "he said, she said" article resonates with me. The constant constant half truths or outright lies in order to save me from disappointment or tell me what he thinks I want to hear.

This:

"It’s to the point now where I sometimes wonder if I’m wasting my breath. It’s like: ‘Will he follow through with this decision we’re making?’ I don’t have the brain capacity to discuss an issue, decide on separate tasks, and then follow up on your assignments while also doing mine."

Is pretty much verbatim of a conversation we just had a few nights ago.

My ex had this. It wasn't the only reason we split up by any means but i look back and wonder how i managed for so long (21 yrs) considering how maddening i found it. This sounds horrible and but i think dh amost revelled in his adhd, using it as a way to avoid any kind of responsibility and wasnt ever sorry for leaving other people in the lurch. Dd2 has adhd and is the complete opposite - trying so hard to compensate for her difficulties it's heartbreaking at times. The psychiatrist told me this is a common difference between male and female adhd! Big generalisation obvs...

He definitely doesn't revel in it, he hates it, I can tell. He always seems so upset when he realises he's let me down again. He tries so hard to do better but I can tell that he just isn't operating on the same level as most people. He's so smart but he just doesn't seem able to react to the world around him the way he needs to in order to get anything done. Most MN posts I read people say "how come he can function and perform well at work but not at home?" but my DP can't function at work either. And ultimately when he loses his job it's the children and I who are forced to share the consequences. It's very hard. I love him but it's like pulling teeth to accomplish every single thing.

OP, your post reminds me of DS and FIL at the same time. Your sense of frustration really resonates with me.

I did yes. Now Ex. He’s totally disorganized but unfortunately blamed everyone else for his weaknesses. He used to get angry quickly, was very chaotic. Only realized it when our son was diagnosed.

With my son I lower my expectations, only ask him one thing at a time, do most organizing.

However you can’t be in a totally imbalanced relationship.