Divorce and twatty people

[UpAndDown89]

I left my husband of 1 year last summer. He turned out to be a needy, controlling, emotionally abusive arse and he was making my life miserable. A friend of my parents, who was a guest at my wedding, called last week as his SIL needed legal advice - she’s divorcing a nasty violent ex. I helped him out and it came up in conversation that I’m divorcing ex. He didn’t know...his reaction? “I want my wedding gift back!!” Wtf??? He paused for about 10 seconds and then made it that he was joking but it really hurt for some reason (this is someone that only calls when he needs help btw).

Anyways, I’ve been feeling dreadful since. I was doing so well, I’m dating someone new and absolutely lovely, enjoying life and work etc but now I’m just a hot mess. I can’t get over it. I’m stalking ex on social media. I’m so angry with myself for marrying him and being such an absolute fucking idiot. I’m back to feeling useless and almost paralysed with sadness. I can’t work, I can’t eat, I can’t get out of bed. Keep thinking maybe i should have made it work, maybe he needed some time, how I threw away so many good years down the drain. I don’t know if I’m angry for letting myself be treated like shit for all these years or if I’m angry I couldn’t stick it out. I feel so ashamed. I was one of those brides with a massive, expensive wedding that got divorced within a year. It’s like a fucking joke.

Don’t know what I’m looking for. i’ve posted here before when I’ve needed help and it’s all I can think of doing. I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it as I don’t seem to have any close friends anymore.

Do not give this comment any more headspace. Of course you did the right thing. You have identified you left an abusive marriage. The person that made the comment doesn't know the background and would probably be mortified if they knew.

You have done an amazing thing and now it is time to look forward not backwards. I recommend you complete The Freedom Programme to help you and to assist you in going forward.

Have a from me.

First thing is to always completely ignore twatty bastards who think they are funny. Then stop the facebook stalking. Then get yourself some counselling - you have been in an abusive relationship and there will be underlying trauma that you need to work through eventually.

Be kind to yourself.

This definitely sounds like a genuine jokey comment, not a dig or a spiteful comment. Admittedly, (I’ve never encountered it) I wouldn’t know what the right thing to say, after a couple separate after just a year would be so I’m sure it was just that! But I certainly would be mindful of making a pity comment.

It doesn’t really sound like this comment could cause you to be so happy with a new partner to suddenly being paralysed with sadness. It would be very wrong to blame this person who made a throwaway comment which was surely designed to do the opposite of a pity comment. On the contrary, It sounds like there is a lot of history to make you feel this way with your ex.

You ought not blame the person who made this comment - it was a moment in time! If you’re genuinely so happy with your new partner and enjoying life so much, just do you! :)

Thanks everyone! I’m not blaming him although he is generally a bit of a twat anyway. It’s the fact that this has made me spiral so badly, I’m just a bit surprised with myself...thought I was doing well. I do feel a lot of guilt and shame about it and I guess it’s just brought it all back. It’s made me think of my ex a lot too. And it’s making me doubt relationships generally....I keep looking at this guy I’m dating and can’t help thinking my ex was nice in the beginning too. How do I know he won’t end up the same way in which case I should have just stayed put...so many things going through my head and I really want to contact my ex and talk to him for no reason

Maybe find yourself a good counsellor, much better use of your time.

You did the very best thing for yourself getting out of that relationship.

But it sounds like you might need some space and counselling before you start looking for new relationships. It seems you aren’t quite ready to move on. It’s not surprising, it sounds like you still have a lot to unpack.

It was a bit twatty of him to say that but what can you expect from someone always wanting free advice? :)

Agree with the counselling. Sometimes we move on to other relationships to patch over the hurt and pain from our past. That truly can help you resolved anything dragging you down and set you up for a happy future.

You did the right thing by leaving your ex. It is still raw and takes time to process.

Ah I think I know I’m not ready he’s so unbelievably lovely though, do I tell him to give me some space? Or should I try to avoid seeing him for a little while? I have some work travel coming up and won’t see him for 2 weeks anyway...

I’ve been separated from my ex 10 years now and I got over it, anyway, recently I applied for a divorce. I left with nothing and it’s taken me this time to get on my feet due to no support from family and friends (he made sure I was isolated)
Since applying for the divorce it’s all come back, with additional anger of hindsight and maturing.
What I am saying don’t drag it out and call it a day, sooner you can close the chapter, the better. It’s still so soon after you separated, don’t beat yourself up about it.

Writing this down actually makes it clear I’m unprepared for all this

Thanks for all the advice everyone! Taking everything on board, strange how writing it down and some advice from strangers can help so much.

I think if that chapter of your life is over, close it yourself. Get s divorce and go for it x