Confused and angry with myself

[interrogate2018]

My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive - latest bout of this culminated me leaving him

Sorry posted too early - so why do I miss him?

I'm so angry with myself

Its normal
I think. My ex was physically and emotinally abusive yet I still miss him and its been 2 years 😐

Thanks for replying - it's annoying me so much. He behaved like a bully - snapping at my child - shouting at me then trying to minimise it. Half hearted apology included. It's not the first time he has been that way - first in front of my dc though. I'm livid

Intense highs and lows are addictive.

Also, have a look at "traumatic bonding".

You did the right thing in putting your dc first and ending it. You did the right thing for yourself too.

In my head I know that leaving him was right - no one comes before my child.

Part of me thinks I'm grieving for a relationship that only existed in my head as no normal person could miss the abuse he subjected me to.

The berating tone he used, the hair trigger temper, the raging episodes, questioning me about conversations with my dc dad name calling and just generally being an abusive dickhead

Write it all down, a list of all the dreadful things he did/said and keep it where you can look at it whenever you feel yourself wavering. You are right, you are grieving for a relationship that never was. Be kind to yourself.

Do you know honestly what I think bothers me most- that he won't admit his responsibility in it all.

In fact in subsequent messages he has tried to get sympathy from me saying he is unwell - that my behaviour by leaving him casts doubts - gaslight involved much? !