Casual relationship to exclusive?

[YellowStickRoad]

I've been seeing a divorced man casually for about 8 months. Originally FWB, then both got feelings. I've also been on other dates in that time as we weren't exclusive.

Casual man and I get on well, always fun, laughing, great sex. Last week I told him I had feelings for him (he knew this already) and I couldn't see him casually anymore. I didn't put pressure for a proper relationship but obviously that was an option if he wanted to ask me, I did make clear I wouldn't be seeing him anymore (in a nice way).

He's been very nice about it all since then, but given mixed messages, on one hand telling me how much I mean to him, how he really wants the best for me and how he loves being with me and he feels like he's in a relationship with me and wants it to continue. On the other hand he's said he's not looking for a proper relationship after his last one failed.

I haven't chased him, am dating others etc. But I'm tempted to rule him out completely as he's had a week to think and all I've had is sweet messages, surely if he liked me he would be ensuring we were an exclusive couple?

When you said you couldn't see him casually anymore, surely that meant a break up.
If he says he feels like he's in a relationship with you and wants to continue, can't you ask him what he means by that? Is he still saying he doesn't want a proper relationship, or did he say it before?

I'd push for a definitive answer: a proper relationship or cut contact (best for you).

Sounds like he doesn’t ike you enough to be in a proper relationship which must be really upsetting when you have feelings for him. I’d stop messaging him and look to find someone else who’s open to having a proper relationship.

It is hard when something ends to ever imagine yourself in a relationship with someone else. Especially after divorce, you kind of think what's the bloody point doing it all again so I can understand his POV.
On the other hand he says he has feelings and feels like he is in a relationship so that not wanting to get involved to avoid complications and emotional pain if it goes wrong is kind of obsolete now anyway Right?
IMO I think he is wary about committing further and tbh is getting exactly what he wants/needs already, without having to make any compramise. He has companionship, regular sex, support and company but while still being able to do what he pleases so why wouldnt he be happy with that.
I think if he felt enough to keep you from walking away he would have made that final leap and discussed the options further with you. He hasn't done that now So I don't think he will. And even if he does do you now want to take that risk with him? If he doesn't know what he wants after 8 months will he ever?
I think you've done the right thing for you. He has done the right thing for him and walking away to try and find someone who is able to and wants to offer you what you want is the wisest decision.

Maybe the fact you have seen others puts him off taking your relationship seriously?
But he wants to carry on on a casual basis.
Has also been dating.?

Yes i think after a divorce and then a longish relationship that also failed he's now really reluctant to enter anything serious (he told me this when we first met, so I have no hard feelings toward him).

I didn't know of it was harsh for me to rule him out now, but sounds like consensus is to move on.

In the last few days he's still been saying he wants a relationship but also that he doesn't want a serious relationship . I think I will take that I'm not the one for him.

Totally can see his point of view. Think you’re going to have to take action to protect yourself

I don’t know, OP....
For me - and I have always been a slow burner, even if/when I had feelings for people - having those sort of conversations and decisions at 8 mo in would have been too early. And that was in the absence of prior bad experiences.

At best I could say like him - I want to continue the relationship. I Could talk about exclusivity at that stage, but not about commitment. Both because I wanted to make sure my feelings are there to stay and vice versa....
It took me 5 years of dating to get to an engagement, for eg.
If he pushed at 8mo - i’d have left.

So - what SORT of change were you looking for? And were you clear on that?

Did you want guarantees on the future together OR wanted to know if he is also developing similar feelings - (which is what i’d be after at that juncture)

I think you should move on. Once he's had some time to think he may chase, but I think if you compromise here to keep him around you'll never get what you want.

There's a quote I read on here once that I really like: "walk a mile away. If they want you they will chase you. If they don't, you'll be a mile away."

Agree with moving on. Hate to generalise but IME when a man wants to be with someone he’s eager to lock it down asap. He’s messing you around now, if he wanted to be in a relationship with you, he would be.

You said you could casually see him anymore....so what was the alternative? Serious relationship or what?

You can go from casual to serious me and dp did. But only if both want to.

It doesn't sound like he wants that. Sorry, it's really rubbish.

I told him I would want to be exclusive. If he can't even manage that then I can't be bothered.