Anti-social husband

[Sophie4113]

As lovely as my husband is, he is not very sociable. He likes being on his own or with me and the kids and resents spending his limited free time with other people unless he really likes them. He also doesn't like leaving the kids with our parents in the evenings because they are already with them three days a week to cover work.

I have a group of friends from NCT and a separate group of school-mum friends. Usually I meet up with just the girls but a few times a year, they like to get together as couples, either as adults' nights out or weekends away / days out with the kids.

I have persuaded my husband to go to several of these events. He is very reluctant to go but when he is there, to be fair to him, he does make the effort to talk to everyone and be friendly.

However, I am getting fed up of him delaying getting back to me on dates, "forgetting" to check about babysitting and sulking and moaning about it for weeks before hand. I dread getting a message about the next one of these events because I know we'll end up arguing. I am thinking that it would be easier if I just go on my own and try to explain to my friends that it is nothing personal but he doesn't like socialising or leaving the kids. He would probably make an exception for special events like Christmas but he is not up for a dinner party every two months. I don't think they'd understand though and I'm worried I'd end up excluded from the groups.

I can see his point of view but I am in an awkward situation here because I like these people and don't want them to think my husband is rude. He has not been to a few because of last minute "illness" and on specific-date events we have said we already had plans but we can't always do this as generally they look for a date which suits everyone. I suggested that he explain to them himself and he agreed but he never got around to sending that text (and even if he did, I'd still feel the need to explain to my friends).

Any thoughts on what I should do or tips on how to explain to my friends? X

One of my best friends has a partner who isn't very sociable. She happily comes on her own to stuff if he isn't keen to attend. It has never been an issue. I would let him stay at home and look after the children whilst you go and have fun with your friends. If they ask you can say you can't get a babysitter.

I would be surprised if your friends thought he was rude. Just say he isn't very sociable and is a bit shy/reserved with new folk. Loads of people would feel similarly. I think anyway (maybe I'm projecting?).

I have no interest in meeting Dp's friends (those who aren't mutual friends). Never met most of them and no real reason I should. And visa versa. If it was your family then yes he should go along now and again at least but if it's your friends, they're yours not his. I'm sure They won't mind. Don't worry about how it looks on you- if they're decent people even if they do think he is rude they'll think it about him, not you. You're your own people.

Just go on your own - hubby stays home with the kids so no need for a babysitter. You're happy; he's happy, win win!

You don't need to explain or make excuses. If you really feel the need to, just be honest and say he's not very sociable as you've suggested.

Just let the poor bugger be, he doesn't want to go. Go on your own. Don't make a big deal of it, just say you're the social butterfly of the two and laugh it off.

Maybe ask him to come along to one every six months for your sake.

Firstly can I just point out that your dh isn't antisocial. Antisocial means a flagrant disregard for social norms so if he was antisocial he'd be violent etc.

So this is an ongoing issue. He doesn't enjoy it as much as you. What would happen if he didn't join you for these get togethers?

Go on your own.
If it gets a bit awkward then just tell them you have separated because he's a miserable shit (only joking)
We are all different.
You shouldn't be excluded because you go on your own.
See how the next meet up goes on your own and then decide from there.

Your DH isn’t ‘antisocial’ - antisocial is a disregard for social norms. He sounds introverted, you more extroverted.

It’s heathy for couples to do their own things, have their own friends. Crack on.... you don’t need to be tied at the hip.

I'd hate it if my DH kept on at me to socialise with a group of his friends every 8 weeks because I'm introverted and prefer my own company. It's quite stressful knowing you have a dinner party coming up when you dont want to go.

Why not go on your own and compromise so he only attends maybe a summer bbq and an xmas do?

Surely your friends will be ok with this and you may find a few other DPs drop out occasionally once you set the trend.

Go on your own - us introverts need our introvert time!

I'm the introvert in my relationship.
We sort of deal with it by figuring out what events are important (to him) for me to attend.
And then we discuss what will make me more comfortable - eg. Making friends seperately with someone that will be there, so I'm not just making small talk with lots of my partner's friends all night, which is no fun.
Or that we'll stay X amount of time / I will leave at X point

Then it's manageable
It's not all my free time at events I don't want to be at, I hang out with my partner and his friends which he likes and then other times he's happy to go off by himself and he appreciates I've made an effort.

They are your friends not his. Me and dp socialise separately (not that often as we both like being at home too much!) it’s fine!

My DH is the same - I just go on my own and we're both fine with it. Social gatherings are just not his thing.

Thank you for all the replies! I feel better knowing it's not just us with this issue. I have just spoken to him and we've decided that he'll come to one or two a year but the rest I will go to on my own. I just told my friends that he's not comfortable leaving the kids and hopefully they'll understand. X

Yes I had a husband like yours and in the end I did most things alone for years. Be careful you don't drift apart. Keep the date night's up and don't let him away with too much.

How is he about you going without him ?
Is he perfectly fine or will there be some resentment ?
A grown man shouldn't really be sulking, moaning , arguing and sabotaging plans over something like socialising .

Thanks fuddle. We do things together with the kids and date nights at home. He's not usually up for going out on dates because he doesn't want to leave the kids.

He's fine about me going without him x

There was a brilliant advert a few years ago: two women, sitting with wine, laughing their heads off sharing some funny story. Cut to their other halves, standing awkwardly in the kitchen behind them, both looking at their bottles of beer. This made me laugh so much as I think so many social situations are like this.

You’ve made some friends at school/NCT. That’s fantastic. But why would you assume that your DH will automatically hit it off with your friends’ DHs? Okay, they have children the same age in common....but that’s about the only thing you can guarantee they will have. It’s not a million miles away from saying “you both shop in Sainsbury’s, why don’t you go out for the evening?”. I think you should cut him a bit of slack. He’s been out with them and clearly made an effort. They may well be really nice people, but they’re obviously not people with whom he’s massively keen to spend a lot of time with. He respects that you like them, hence he will make an effort on occasion; maybe you should respect that he isn’t as keen on these meet ups and let him off the hook sometimes as well.

In my experience, people have different expectations of NCT type things. Some expect, as couples, that “they” will make friends. Others see it purely as a “mum” thing. So - a friend of mine went away for a week with her NCT group for her husband’s birthday, whereas my DH would almost literally prefer to have his fingernails pulled out! People differ. You may find that, if your DH starts to bow out of a few things, some of the other dads follow suit (“Mike doesn’t have to, so why do I?”, sort of thing!) and then you’ll feel a bit less like the odd one out.

I think it is fine, as PPs do that you both do your own thing.

However, I wouldn't have given the reason that he doesn't like to leave the kids. Personally I think that sounds weird and hard to understand. I mean do you mean it is because he doesn't want to ask too much of your parents? If it's that say so, otherwise he sounds a bit weird and over protective.

I think it's fine to say he doesn't enjoy big group things. I am sure no one would mind.

Sticking up for the introverts here. I hate some social events and exh would get really shitty if I didn't "perform to his requirements", which was really unfair.

I think that if you are in a relationship there are somethings you don't want to do. Such as going to a wedding that you won't know anyone etc etc but if your partner wants to go then I think you should support them. You can't just pick and chose what you get to do if that's the case then why bother being together.

I think it’s abit of a shame really. It’s not often is it - hardly a big ask. No wonder there’s an epidemic of loneliness if you went he would be stuffed. I think it’s good to build a community around kids. If you like them they are probably quite nice people. We met quite a few families locally through our kids and dh has some really decent friendships with a few of the men and other women. Being snooty about “nct groups” or “school mums” is an easy target but self excluding can mean you are shooting yourself in the foot rather.

Yes I wouldn’t use that not leaving the kids line people won’t understrhey will think he’s abit odd. Also it’s an implicit criticism of (normal) people who do leave their kids occasionally for a night out