Am I a terrible person?

[Meganrb]

Tell me please honestly if what I’ve done is deceitful. Mine and my partners relationship has be rocky for a while now. Mainly due to his selfishness and laziness. We’ve been trying and it’s been getting a little better but I’ve still been contemplating leaving for a while. We have one DS together who’s 18 months old. I want another child ideally in the next year or two, he’s unsure and wants to wait until DS is 4/5 before deciding if he wants more. I think this is too late because if then he decides he doesn’t, I’m left wanting another child and being back at square one. But I don’t feel “I don’t know” is enough of a reason to leave.
Anyway the terrible bit, I’m not on any contraception as it sends me crazy and IUDs don’t work for me, had one and it hurt like hell for months. Me and OH DTD 4 days before I knew I was ovulating and I didn’t say anything. Not because I want a baby now but more because we never have sex and I didn’t want to say anything. The next day I knew I should get the morning after pill and I didn’t. I haven’t said anything to OH and yesterday I had cramping and today some spotting. I don’t know for sure that I’m pregnant and it’s too early to test, although yesterday I did and get a faint positive but I’m betting on it being an evap line as I’m only 5dpo. Anyway I know that if I am pregnant then or relationship is going to be over. And if I’m honest I kind of want it to be but I’m feeling a hell of a lot of guilt right now. Sorry for the long post I just need to vent and can’t exactly tell anyone. So yeah I’m a terrible person.

Well I don’t approve of what you did, but it’s happened now, you can’t go back.

Why did he not use a condom if he doesn’t want another child?

Yes. And you should feel guilty.

If he knows that you aren’t using contraception?
Did he expect you to use MAP even though hormonal contraception does not suit you?

If should have been Does

Doesn't your oh know you're not on any contraception?

It's not great. He wasnt sure, and you knew there was a chance youd fall pregnant. You shouldve stopped, or told him. But contraception is also the responsibility of both partners. Creating life isn't some flippant thing that doesn't get taken seriously all because the man loves sex without a condom so happily leaves all contraception up to the woman, because after all, it's not 100% and you get women such as yourself lying about being on contraception.

Or lying about planning when you're ovulating should I say.if that's what you mean you were supposed to be doing.

You may have been fertile at that point and yes you should take responsibility for your fertility, but men are fertile ALL of the time and he didn't take any responsibility either.

I wish you the best what ever the outcome.

Are you ok with being a single mum to 2 children, is the more important question.

You've said he's selfish and lazy, he specifically said he doesn't want another child in the near future and you've been thinking of leaving for a while.

The second child will make things harder and worse. His selfishness and lazyness will be even more of an issue with 2 small children, he'll perhaps be even more so (and resentful) because he didn't want another child, and will blame you (rightly or wrongly) for getting pregnant, and I'll predict you'll want to leave even more.