To feel a bit sad that it’s never going to happen for me?

[Islands81]

I’ve recently turned 38, with two DC age 8 and 15.

My relationship history is a bit shit, tbh. Had kids with two completely wrong men (the second one was extremely abusive which has left scars). I know as a result of this I have intimacy issues and struggle to let people too close. I am also pretty sure that I have ASD, which I don’t think helps in that regard.

Despite that, I’ve always been optimistic that one day I will find my happily ever after. Since my last serious (3 year) relationship ended 6 years ago, I’ve been on quite a few dates and had a few short lived relationships. My current bf I have been with for over a year. However, he is 18 years older than me, and been married 3 times. He also has issues with drinking, although he’s been dry now for 4 months and is doing really well. We don’t live together and have no plans to. He is a lovely, kind hearted person who thinks the world of me and does what he can to help out. Having said that, we don’t actually see each other that much, maybe a couple of times a week, so I very much feel like I am still a single parent and responsible for everything in my life. It’s like he drifts in and out and we have a nice time, but still very separate lives and I don’t see that changing.

I think I’ve come to the realisation that maybe with me being the way I am, the relationship I have at the moment is probably the best I can hope for. I have spent large amount of time on my own, so it’s not like I’m one of those people that NEEDS to be with someone, and I enjoy spending time with my bf. It’s just patently clear that it’s not going to develop any further. The thought of going back to dating, and dealing with liars and idiots, does not interest me at all. At least I have a bf who is honest and genuinely cares about me.

I suppose recently it’s dawned on me that I’m never going to have what other people have, an actual partner to live with and share their life with. Deep down I always thought I would get married, but that’s very unlikely to happen. Part of me is ok with that, but part of me feels sad that this is my deal. It can get lonely. And of course there’s the practical issues of it being very difficult to better one’s situation as a single parent, I do my best but one income can only go so far.

I guess I’m just feeling a bit glum that my life turned out like this. If I could turn back the clock I’d make some very different decisions. And the rest of my life seems like quite a long time to be by myself.

It sounds like you have a lot to work through and these things take time. The relationship you have now works for you on some level because you are in it. You have plenty of time to find what you want - but maybe you don’t know yourself what that actually looks like? It sounds a bit like this is all you can “do” emotionally at the moment and given where you have been, a non-abusive relaxed relationship sounds pretty impressive. Take a pause. Enjoy where you are. Think about what scares you and how you can face up to that. Read about intimacy issues. Consider therapy if you can. Commit to the future you know logically you want but emotionally you may not be ready for yet. You have so much time xx

I don't have a magic solution but your current situation doesn't really seem to support you or have a future
Maybe just spend some time as single and focus on you and your dc, any friends and family?
I am older with similar age dc and am thinking a relationship with someone who can be nice but adds issues is not good!

@holdingout, I think you’ve pretty well hit the nail on the head there, which is impressive as there’s so much more information I could have put in my post but didn’t want to write an essay. I think the majority of the time I am fairly content with things the way they are, my relationship meets my needs at the moment and yes it is very relaxed. I suppose I am conscious though that there is unlikely to be any further progression, and I’m not getting any younger, and is this what I want forever?

My bf feels the same way about not living together, which I suppose is good but in other ways I can’t help feeling a bit offended! He’s tended to move very fast in reLationships (hence the three marriages) and he’s determined not to make the same mistakes again. But (I know, it’s childish) a part of me feels quite jealous that he was willing to make more commitment to other women. I think in his eyes maybe we’ll live together when the kids are grown up, which again is sensible in some respects, but by then he’ll be a pensioner!

@ponyprincess, I’ve spent a lot of time on my own (and still mostly do now). I don’t think my bf makes my life any more difficult, in fact he helps out when he’s around. It’s nice to have someone to go for weekends away with and things like that. I just don’t see it becoming any more than that, and I can’t work out if I’m ok with that or not.

Reading behind the lines as such... you are looking for more but are settling for less ,look after you & your family

Islands81 I see what you mean-sounds like you have to evaluate what you want. It can be nice to still have an independent life essentially but stil have someone around who can support and have nights out/weekends away but of you really want someone more full time that will not feel enough. It is evaluating what you need/want.