I'm going to be alone forever.

[rosavalentina]

I'm late 20s and have four beautiful children. I left their fathers (two) because they were abusive.

It's been two years since I left the youngest two's dad. I finished my degree and I'm starting a voluntary placement soon before hopefully getting back into work again. I'm also seeing a therapist.

I've had a few short lived 'relationships' in the last two years but could see the warning signs of emotional abuse so ended them. Just to clarify they never met my children or anything like that.

I know I'm going to be told to concentrate on my children but I just feel so sad that I'm probably going to be single for a long time. I feel so judged when I do online dating. I can deal with being single but I just feel so depressed when I think about the probability that I'll be single indefinitely.

I love my kids, but I feel like I fucked my life up. I'm just feeling really down tonight.

How old are your children?

I have 4 aswell and im single I have no child care so accepted I will be alone forever.

Firstly congratulations on finishing your degree!!

Secondly, I understand what you're saying. I have that feeling too and it's awful.

Thirdly, I can't tell you "you're young and you'll meet someone" because while it's very likely, I don't know. What I know for sure is it's far better being single than it is being in a shitty relationship.

Fourthly, with that in mind, now you've finished studying, is there something active or social you'd like to do? If you meet Mr/s Right, you're likely to have far less "free time" (which I'm guessing you don't have a lot of anyway!). You need to entertain yourself and enjoy yourself rather than wait for this magical person who will make your life complete. So is there anything you can do that you've wanted to? While you were having tough times with assignments what did you wish you could do instead? Focus on the kids, because you kind of have to anyway, but maybe see if you can do something with this time you have now too.

No advice, but single mum here with no childcare too. I’m currently burying my head in the sand over the obvious. But joining in case anyone has a magic wand / advice.

Have to add that I'm assuming you have some possibility of childcare. But if not, then can you study something online in free courses, or learn a language on a language app? Basically something to focus on rather than being aware of the loneliness, something to distract you from it.

First, I want you to look in the mirror everyday and say this:

I am a beautiful, smart and intelligent sexy women who can achieve anything in life if I put my mind to it!

So OP, you have four children, your a young women and you have a degree! (congrats). You have more going for you than some. I walk past homeless people on a daily basis who have no one. You have more going for you so please remember that hun!

I think if I am honest, what you really need is a 2019 of focusing on you! Yes your children are important and you should focus on them. However, I always think that a happy mother = a happy positive family. I think the last thing you need at the moment is another relationship. What you really need is to active your own life and remember that your alive!

I would encourage you to do some of the following activities as it will help promote self-esteem and confidence growth:

• join a gym *change your style *start a new hobby (running, dance class) *Be on the look out always for that great job (even though your happy with your volunteer placement at the moment).
• book a holiday or mini break with friends or family.
• start a journal about your feelings, what you notice you need to do to grow as a person or become more confident
• write a bucket list of all the things you want to do and try to complete three of them this year (assuming your list is like 20 or more things).

I am sue you will find other things to improve confidence, self esteem and personal growth online. These are just examples/suggestions.

I personally think that when you engage in actives i.e. hobbies, dance class, gym, work, you are actively putting yourself out there to meet meet. Meet friends, prospective partners and so on. A relationship book by a guy called Matthew Kelly said that you need to put yourself in the places where men are.

I think its really important to increase your self esteem and self love as good men (worth your time) generally are attracted to successful, confident women who are happy. When you come across sad, alone, unsure about meeting someone, men will distance themselves from that! When you meet a good man, its good to make him feel appreciated as a winner, according to anewmode (another website i once used for relationship advice.

However, like I said, you just need to focus on you. Try to become the person you truly are and deserve to be and the right man will be attracted to that version of you when you do not even know he is looking. Do you know how many hot guys there are in the gym? Or the perfect guy could be waiting for you in that hot new job thats waiting for you. Or the trip of a life time? You need to put yourself out there and forget dating sites.

As a side note, I met my husband in church. I really do hope you find yourself and discover who you are. Your children are so lucky to have you as a mum.

I say this because I'm using my study right now to distract from loneliness for other reasons and it does help.

Do you know any other single parents? Perhaps you could get together a rota so each looks after the other's kids when one has a date and so forth. The other thing is to look around for a decent babysitter/childminder. You will probably need one when you start working, so it wouldn't hurt to start looking now. I assure you it's not forever.

deadliftgirl I love your post!

Another single mum here. Since I left my XH 2.5 years ago I've not been so much as asked for my number, which is fine because I've not been in the right headspace. Now I'm a lot more settled I'm opening up to the idea of meeting someone but I work full time in a female dominated environment, have a daughter who doesn't do overnights with her dad and is usually back from his early evening, and 2 elderly parents needing increasing levels of support. Add in far too much junk in my trunk and resulting lack of confidence and it's a bit of a non starter but...

...I know so many people who met randomly...the guy who visited a mate 50 miles from home whilst on leave from the navy. A photo of a young woman in the friend's house caught his eye. Friend introduced him to his second cousin...they married and had four kids, one of whom was my mum!

When my dad was in his late twenties he emigrated to Australia. It was over 6 years before he made it back for a month's visit to catch up family and give his sister away at her wedding. One night he went out to a club with some friends and met my mum. He never returned to Australia and they were engaged and married within the year. They celebrate their sapphire (45 year) anniversary in a few months.

There are lots of unexpected love stories out there, and whilst being on your own can be sad and scary at times, I really believe the best approach is to enjoy all the good things in life, keep the faith and hopefully you'll get an unexpected love story of your own.

Absolutely what @deadliftgirl said

Thank you for the replies.

I do have childcare, my children go every other weekend Friday to Sunday to their dads. I also have a the odd week on the longer school holidays. I have a lovely friend who helps me out with the kids when possible too (I help her also). I really don't know how the ladies without any free time manage... it must be so hard.

I'm very much trying to concentrate on myself. I like the idea of a course although I'm rubbish at languages. I did save a link to a free online course so will look at that.

I'm signed up to the gym and need to start going again. I've been journaling for a while. I write poetry and have an Instagram page I post it on. I've submitted some to anthologies and I'm also writing a couple of guest pieces for blogs. I'm hoping to go on a few short city breaks this year with a friend.

I've been working on myself for a while but it doesn't seem to be working. As in my self esteem hasn't improved much.

I think when I posted last night I was in a bad place. I'm not sleeping. I haven't been able to sleep until 3am for about a week and it's making an unstable emotional wreck.

deadlift girl-- what a fab post!! Mind over matter as they say.

just want to mention a friend of mine, who fed up of no childcare, decided to pair her 2 young kids up in bunk beds enabling her to have a decent spare room , she then got a great au pair in--saved on after school clubs etc and had 2 nights a week babysitting thrown in! that was sideways thinking, not doable for everyone I know, but for her it worked, gave her a social life and helped her working life.

Not being able to sleep is a sign of depression. Are you being treated for that? If not, get it checked out.

No I'm not being treated for depression. If I don't start sleeping soon I'll go to the doctors.