Never hear from my mum unless she’s totally 100% free with nothing on

[agshdk]

Is this normal?

I feel upset by it. My dad is her priority and always has been, particularly as me and my brother have got older (fair enough).

Brother feels similar but I’m more sensitive than he is. Mum won’t ever come over to visit as she says it’s too far (40 miles). She’s unemployed and her and my dad have enough money to travel, go abroad, days out. And they do all these things.

If we meet, it’s always slotted in. For instance she’ll see me for a coffee but won’t want to have lunch together as she has somewhere else to be, going out for dinner with dad later, doesn’t want to spend money.

Yet she’ll happily do these things with my dad. Brother says he feels the same in that she will call in with my dad (he lives about an hour from them), if it is also including a shopping trip for them...ie brother is just an aside, not the reason they visit.

It’s made me really sad as I’ve got older. Shes perfectly pleasant when I see her, but I can tell she’s ticking a box. Is this usual? She’s 53 so not even like age is a reason, though she will constantly complain she’s tired (done this for years), has too much on (hasn’t worked full time since as long as I can remember) or hasn’t got money (they own 7 homes).

Maybe I’m expecting more from her than is usual. I just feel she can’t really be arsed with me...it’s fitting me in, not really actively wanting to make an effort or be in my home or take a FULL day every few months as mother and daughter. Am I being unfair?

My mother is somewhat similar. I think she does it to make sure that she is never at risk of being rejected- she can always say that she has a lot on and feel in control. I find it harder to see it playing out with the kids. They HATED it when we lived abroad and are somewhat offended now if we have plans when they offer to drop by or won't accept bargainous tat they have found. But I try to understand it all as rooted in their difficult childhoods.

I think mine just isn’t that bothered about knowing much about my life. She’s only been to the town I live in once. I’ve been here nearly 5 years! They say it’s because I’m younger and should travel to them. I don’t get it. There’s something nice about going to a friend’s home now and then so I would have thought even more so for your own kids!

I don’t have mich useful advice but I’m in a similar position. My mum lives in Germany and I live in the UK. She is also young but never comes here, I always go there. She’s scared of flying but has a campervan and goes all over Europe, just not the UK.

She also never calls or texts unless I initiate. I have now resigned myself to the fact that she is just a person in my life, another adult. I used to get upset at first but now I often tell myself if a friend behaved in the same way, I would have cut them loose a long time ago but since she’s my mum, I just keep this minimal contact going.

You're not being unfair, OP. I would find this very sad. In fact, I'd like to offer an unmumsnetty hug.

There's all sorts of expectations from adult children about how their mothers should 'be' and just sometimes, we older mums get a bit tired of following the stereotype.
It's a hard won freedom for many of us which changes us radically from who we were when bringing up the family to who we are now that chapter has closed.
I've changed a lot. I enjoy spending time with my adult kids but I don't enjoy holidaying with them. Or staying with them.
Reason? they morph back into moody 14 year olds with the expectation that I'll lift the domestic load/childcare load while they 'have their holiday'/rest up cos they work very hard.
I love meeting up for a meal or a visit or an afternoon out to soft play but I don't enjoy constantly picking up the tab for meals, coffees, entrance fees and although I've stated that they need to step up on occasion old habits die hard and I'm always left holding the bill.
I get tired of their demands and so very tired of their inability to ask us if we're ok, if we need anything.
I've recently been very ill. Not one of them asked if they could do anything to help. But once back on my feet.....can you do this mum, can you pick up DGS mum...
So, think again people about why sometimes, we parents of adult children seem to be a bit backward in coming forward and restrict our visits or meet-ups to the pleasant interlude type as opposed to the exhausting marathon style one.
Self preservation and the preservation of our relationship with our adult kids.
We love them totally....but would we want to live with them?...

Thanks for your reply pallasa. It certainly sheds some light. I don’t have kids so I appreciate I can’t reallt give a view on what you’ve said and how that feels.

I just hope with all my heart that if I have children I always am their ‘mum’ as well as hopefully a friend as they become an adult. I don’t expect my mum to stay at my house, but just to take an active interest in my life in the same way as she does in her own and with her friends. I’m not sure that’s a lot to expect from a parent. It could just simply be my mum doesnt like me much as a person. We’ve had quite different life experiences.