Ex telling kids about new relationship

[Toomanycats99]

So......separated in late May. Ex has started seeing someone. Told me just before Xmas and we agreed no need for our dd to know.

So he told me today they have been together 2 months and as he has met her kids (teenagers) he feels it's time for our dd (7 and 11) to meet her.

I am completely against this and told him so but have a feeling he is going to go ahead........I actually feel it may backfire on him as the youngest is very insecure at the moment and I'm not sure the oldest will be too impressed either.

I am guessing I cannot stop him but any suggestions from anyone that has been through this?

To put it in context he is still living at his mums and never actually takes them anywhere but there so it's not like they might see her with him.

Well Unfortunatly, it's his decision. He could choose to respect you opinion, but he doesn't have to.

Fwiw I was in the same position. 5 months after mine and exhs separation, he introduced a woman he had been seeing 6 weeks. 3 months later he moved in with her and never even told me they were moving in. I found our off my 7 year old. We have 60:40 care in my favour. So my kids were living with this woman and her kids and the ex didn't tell me.

I chose not to kick off, make snide comments etc. It's worked well. The kids are happy, though I didn't expect that. I thought they wouldn't be happy. The kids like her and like my now dp.

She doesn't like me but I don't rise to it. I don't let it create any drama so ex can't accuse me of anything. It means biting my tongue, but the kids are happier for it and life is easier in general.

It's not easy, best of luck.

There's nothing you can do other than assure your children they can talk to you about anything and you're there for them.

My ex moved the in straight away and they got a dog together. Lasted about 2 months before she found out he had been trying to shag me the whole time (I let her work that out alone). Since he only sees our son when he's with someone to show him off my son is now left very confused about where his dog is and asks me why he doesn't have a dog any more. He's only 3.

Nothing I could do about it though other than be there for my son, explain it all in a child friendly way and reassure him.

You can't dictate what he does and you've no grounds to stop him introducing his girlfriend to them, as you know.

All you can do is be neutral and supportive of your dc as they get used to the idea.

Their dad's entitled to date if he wants and you need to be careful not to make it about any hurt feelings you might have. Personally I was delighted when my ex found someone else (so I realise it's been easy for me in that way) and it means the dc, although older than yours, like their step-mum. I think it's really destructive to the dc to make them feel they need to take sides and to end up resenting new partners.

Thats bad - then living with her after that short a relationship.

He sees them about 2 - 5 hours a week depending on his shifts. He makes very little effort to see them.....I guess he is too busy seeing her!

They'll probably lose interest then! 2-5 hours is a joke. My son has a great relationship with his grandparents luckily. Occasionally sees his dad when he's there but already aged 3 refuses to go to his house. Kids aint stupid. They know who has their best interests at heart.

I actually have no issues with him seeing someone - he's a (not always) recovering alcoholic who is as moody as f**k so frankly she is welcome to him......

Not sure she won't be fed up of him soon........

I just didn't really feel the girls needed to know yet especially when they don't even see him that much.

He's already trying to change contact so he can go away with her for a weekend. We have only had a set pattern for 4 weeks

If he is at his parents, is there chance he is planning on living in soon?

@Boysandbuses

Don't know....I am buying him out of the house and solicitor has advised me not to do the remortgage until he has at least seen both our financial statements to see if it's likely the judge would disagree with our agreement. He is absolutely desperate for me to do it so he gets the cash.....mainly because he ran up several thousand of debt in the months since we split and can not afford to move out and pay that off.....although apparently it's hard to pay it off even living at his mums as you know he's going out and stuff.......,..doesn't leave much spare! But enough to try and change the contact pattern we only agreed 4 weeks ago so he can go in a weekend away with her......

Hard and harsh as this may sound, stop worrying about her & think about you. He’s gone, you need to focus your mind on getting the best settlement for you and your children

@NameChangeNugget

Believe me I am happy he's gone - I ended it when I came home from work to find him drinking neat vodka while he was cooking the girls tea.

I also have no issue with them meeting her in another couple of months - just felt 2 months in was a bit soon.

I am not a parent (yet!) so I find it hard to comment but..

I do find it really awful that your ex wants to introduce his children to a new women after only 2 months of dating and while he is still living with his mum. Its not really about you but the children. I think it will get really confusing for them to see their dad with someone else very soon and what happens if they like her and then they split up. Your kids will grow up to think that commitment to a relationship is not important and this will impact upon their relationships later in life.

I would advice your ex to put pause on the introduction purely for that reasons alone. Make it look as if they would really like her but that he should be really sure first about this relationship (at least 6 months) before taking that step.

I don't think he is doing this though because of your kids, its not for their benefit, he just wants to show off and annoy you.

You can't say no, just say its fine but i would advice against this for the moment.

It is difficult as you want to protect dc. But you know you have no say here. Just as he has no say in any future partners you may have.

Doesn't make it right. But as others have said. Remain dignified and polite about new girlfriend. Hard as it can be. She may stick around. She might not. But that is up to him.

My ex had a 'friend' from day one of leaving me. They moved in together 12 weeks later. And the children were sleeping on their bedroom floor. I didn't agree with any of it. But did not make a fuss. Eldest has stopped going now because he doesn't like the sleeping arrangements and emotionally he can't adapted to ex. Ow being a family unit. Youngest has separation anxiety and sleeping problems. Which I'm dealing with. I suspect is the fall out of him leaving.

He has made his bed. He can lie on it now.

Just be the best person you can be. What goes around comes around.

I understand why you are concerned as 2 mths is very soon. My dad used to introduce me and my sisters to his many woman. I found it very uncomfortable. He hardly saw us and when he did he had a woman in tow. Your priority is your DC and all you can do is stress you feel it is too soon. If he chooses to introduce them then you need to judge how your DC respond to that and take it from there. I hate men that do that, meet a woman and decide that there DC need to be thrown in to the mix at an early stage....no concern for there DC only themselves. Only positive is that he will play ‘fantastic’ dad in front of his woman......

@deadliftgirl

That's exactly my issue - he sees little of them enough as it is and I just feel 2 months into a relationship is no time.

At the moment the youngest is really insecure - on some days I cannot leave the room without her following me - even if I am going to get something and come straight back. She's climbs into my bed about 3 nights a week in the middle of the night.

Given that I just don't feel that it's the best time!

Yes, it's far too quick, but as others have said, it's his decision and not one that you have any say over.

My advice is simply to stay consistent for your kids, and provide them with the stability they need. They will appreciate it. My ex met someone just two months after we split and introduced him to the kids after two months of dating. Less than two months after that, she'd moved him in, and they were engaged about 6 weeks later. They're married now, but the kids have been very open with me about how hard they found all of that, especially while they were still adjusting to their parents not being together.

My ex still doesn't understand why that would have been hard for them - she can't see past the fact that she was loved up, and assumed they would be too. That's why talking to these people about what they're doing rarely yields results. So, throughout it all, my focus was on the kids and being a stable, predictable and loving presence for them. Mine's a 50/50 arrangement, so they were in the other home a lot more than yours - so it may be less of an adjustment for your kids given how little they see their Dad.

Believe me when I tell you the kids notice and appreciate the parent who is there for them. They are very secure with me, but are pretty damning of their mother sometimes, and very sceptical about her behaviour (my 14 year old even asked me the other day how many marriages I think her Mum will have, as she doesn't believe this will last).

Keep doing right by your kids, and they will come through it okay.