Not sure where to start

[2dogs1child]

Hello, this is my first post on here but I am really struggling to know what to do. I have been with my husband for nearly 30 years and married for 20 but things are not good. As I said in the title, I really don't know where to start... maybe with the latest argument - there are so many. I am just looking for someone else's opinion, someone that doesn't know me or my husband and so I can see if it's me or if I'm fighting a lost cause.
So yesterday DH is fed up. He wanted to go to a friends house, but as we'd all had something to drink, and we don't drink drive, we didn't go. So back home and he looks fed up. I suggested a dog walk, clean, fresh air and so we can natter and hopefully he'll feel better by the time we come home. So I ask, "no". I ask a few times over half an hour and just as I'm going out on my own, he says he'll come with me. Off we go, but he wants to go up a big hill - not a problem, anywhere is fine as long as I'm out, but I have got a really long coat on that restricts my walking. Off he goes, striding up the hill. I'm trying to keep up and keep asking him to slow down but he's not answering. Eventually I say that if I had wanted to walk on my own, I would have gone on my own. I say it smiling, only half serious. He simply shrugs his shoulders and heads back down the hill. "Where are you going?" - nothing. Not a word was spoken as he walked off.

I have the dogs and as they're excited to be out, I carry on. When I get home he's not there. He eventually turns up half an hour or so later, having been for his own walk. Now we argue a lot and quite often I am accused of keeping things going, so I hold my tongue and start making dinner. I eat with him, bringing the food into our front room to watch tv. I comment on the food, I comment on what's on tv... nothing. Not a single syllable passes his lips. (He does this). Eventually I ask if we should put our favourite show on. He ignores me and starts looking at his computer. Eventually I say that I might as well go to bed. Still nothing.

This morning I went for a dog walk and left a message saying that if he wanted to go for a coffee then to give me a call. When I got near to the coffee shop I texted him. Then called him, then sent him a Messenger message in case his phone was on silent. Nothing. When I get home, he's only just got up.

I'm thirsty so make a cup of tea and make him one too. Still silent.
Then he goes back to lie on his bed. Silent all morning. I went to talk to him to ask him why he was still quiet even after my attempts at making up. "You haven't tried".
At lunch time he gets his car keys and says he's going out.
When he came back, he's still silent.

Then he walked into my office and said that h'd had enough and that I had probably been trying when I asked him to go for a coffee. Said that he'd had enough again and walked out.
The next time I saw him, he walked past me and asked if I was sorting out my affairs online. (I have actually been sorting out his things).
Then 5 minutes before I have to go and pick up DS, he starts to say that he has been fed up but that I make things worse. How he doesn't want to hear that I should have gone for a walk on my own and how out of order I have been. I said that I didn't ask him to come for a walk so that I could walk on my own and look at his back.
Since then he hasn't said anything and has gone out.
I am sooooooooo frustrated. I want to scream. He has now fallen out with me for 28 hours because I said that I might as well have gone for a walk on my own. Is he right? Am I wrong to feel like it's all unfair? I think that he has depression, should I just grin and bear it? This is just one day in my life.

He is insulting you, humiliating you and behaving like a child. Some might call it abuse. Whatever it is, it certainly isn't the way a normal loving couple behave. Unless there are very pressing reasons not to, I would get out of this as soon as you can.

He sounds really sulky but you do sound like you might nag a bit. You said you asked him several times to to for a walk. I would have asked once and thrm done my own thing. Then you contacted him several times aboit coffee. I would have sent one message and gone on my own.

But I also wouldn't put up with a sulky man.

He sounds depressed to me OP.

I’m not sure if you’ve ever struggled with it but I have and I’m ashamed to say I have acted like your DH in the past.

I would encourage you to try and support him through it but not accept him insulting and bringing you down with him. I understand there’s a fine balance.

In terms of not speaking or responding. Have you ever heard of dissociation? I have been diagnosed with this and sounds very similar to your DH. In a mild form it can be just not being able to get any words out or even acknowledge someone.

I’m not sticking up for him but reading it it sounds like me you’re describing!

I have chosen to be single as I cannot cope with how badly I can affect a loved one. At least until I get my MH under control.

You can’t take this all on yourself and also cannot take abuse. But I would urge DH to seek support as it will manifest. Mine did 😔 and it has been debilitating.

Do you think he's "checked out" of the marriage OP? Waiting for the DC to leave for university (or whatever). He sounds not particularly nasty, but as if he really can't be bothered with you, which is really unkind and demoralising. Do you still have a laugh? Curl up on the sofa? Have good sex? Plan things?

I do feel as though he's acting like a child.

This made me smile. Perhaps I do nag. I've never looked at it like that. I see that he's fed up and I know from experience that once he's down it takes a lot to get him back. I suppose I think that if he gets out and away from the house then maybe he'll feel better. I didn't see it as nagging, but maybe it is.
This morning I sent him messages and called because I want us to be OK. If I leave it to him this could go on for days - experience. If I make the effort then things might get better again.

This is where I'm stuck. When things are good he's lovely. We have cuddles and a laugh and get on brilliantly. But when he's down - which is quite reguarly at the moment, it's hell. He calls me the sort of names that you don't call anyone and he simply ignores me. Then when he's feeling better and we talk, he says that he knows what I put up with. Unfortunately, I'm not sure that I have much patience left as it's becoming too often.

It might be the height of rudeness to ignore you.
It might be a depressed man acting very oddly.
Depression has many forms, and whilst it doesn't give anybody an excuse to be rude, it can be a reason.

One of the cruel aspects of depression is that talking can be very difficult, and there is some strange comfort in isolating yourself from others, even loved ones.

We could be barking up the wrong tree completely, but see if you can get him to see a doctor. He might resist it, but try, lovingly, not forcefully.

I hope it is depression, there is hope with that.
If he is just an arse, then there is less hope.

He is definitely depressed.
I would have said he had checked out of the relationship but he can switch to being nice.
Obviously he needs help but it's finding the right time to talk about the issue when he can deal with it.
Sending hugs X

I have tried to get him to see someone but this is the man that won't go and see a doctor for anything and he certainly won't go and talk to one about his feelings! I went to see a therapist a few months ago as everything was getting too much and all he could do was tell me that I'm mad and that the proof is in the fact that I was seeing someone.
When he's nice, he's lovely, but when he's in one of these moods it's so awful. Just when I say "no more" he'll say something that makes me feel as though he's asking for help, but then he'll throw in something particularly nasty too as an add on. I stay for the few lovely bits and for the fact that I really think he needs help. If I go then who is there? It is so hard.
The fine line between being there for someone and putting up with too much...when is it? It's just become normal to listen to everything being my fault.
Tonight, after ignoring me all day, he's said that he's leaving. He's said this before and never goes anywhere. He just uses it as an excuse to call me even more names. He says that I haven't tried to make up with him. He says that it's only ever down to him that we make up - although as I pointed out, it's only down to him that things drag on for so long. I will take some blame for the argument, as perhaps I was nagging. Perhaps I try too hard and that gets on his nerves too? It's the unfairness of everything that makes me feel so upset.

It sounds like your husband was mad not just over the comment you made on the hill but for things that have been building up and he hasn't discussed with you.

It really seems like you need a sit down and conversation really. Ask him:

Have I done anything wrong in our marriage, do you not feel appreciated?

What can I do in our marriage to make you more happy?

Is there anything else bothering you outside of our marriage?

Generally, just try to be calm and understand what is happening with him. Asking these questions does not mean you have been a bad wife or that you do not appreciate him, they are just tools you can use to get him to open up and talk to you about whatever is upsetting him. Also try and google communication tools for relationships and discover other ways to talk to him. This is probably best if you can not get him to a therapist.

Once he starts to open up to you then you can assure him that you love him (blah blah blah) and that you never meant to hurt his feelings. Tell him how he made you feel and that you hate it when he gives you silent treatment. I really do hope you both work through this. Perhaps with a bit of romance, cook him dinner, candles, you can get him to open up!

Good grief. He doesn't talk to you until he deems that you have made enough 'effort'?

Why the hell are you putting up with that? How did his childish moods end up being your fault and responsibility alone? Why is it your job to entertain his moods and take them for a walk to get better or whatever? Really, get a grip.

You are not nagging as some of the Stepford replies are suggesting, you are being bullied into an over-anxious response. He will be enjoying that, and judging the point at which he deems you have been punished enough. I would stop simply because he needs a space in which to see his own utter childishness, and at the moment you are simply reinforcing his behaviour.

Have I done anything wrong in our marriage, do you not feel appreciated?

What can I do in our marriage to make you more happy?

Is there anything else bothering you outside of our marriage?

FFS I actually cannot believe this has been posted as a response to your obvious distress at your husband's awful treatment of you. But yes - these are exactly the questions the man who loves you should be asking you for a change. You cannot save your relationship by making all the running on your own while he blanks you.

If you want to help him then encourage him to have a reason to want to sort himself out. No-one else can do this for him.