It is possible to be just friends with him?

[KatDubs261]

So I was dating a guy for just shy of 3 months. In a previous thread I was fed up of him being distant (not replying for days, not initiating anymore) - eventually I'd had enough and raised it with him. Turns out he is going through a very difficult time in his personal life/seeing a counsellor to cope, which explained some distant behaviour. When I asked if he could give a little more contact/be more proactive with dates again, his response was to say he didn't want me to feel neglected & to offer friendship instead! I was left feeling hurt that he could so easily switch to friendship after an intense romance/to give up so easily, but after thinking about it realised I wasn't happy with things as they were. And it doesn't seem he is emotionally able to cope with a relationship right now. He said it seemed like 'not the right time'.

At first I was upset, but after a few days I felt relieved. We've met twice as friends since then, the first time I accompanied him to a show and the second time he came to support me at an event. I did notice he was a bit touchy feely/complimentary but I guess friends do that too. Over Christmas I 100% switched off from social media. When I logged on I was surprised to find he had contacted me at Christmas (a week after we last saw each other).

I contacted him after seeing it & since then he has been in very enthusiastic contact. I even sent a photo from my homecity and he replied saying he wished he was there too. Now he has asked me to meet him for coffee this week. As it stands, I really value him as a person and still think it is a bad time for a romantic relationship. Is it possible that he really does just want to pursue a platonic friendship and feels as I do about it? He is someone I really care about and I want to tread carefully!

I think he’s in need of a friend. Go along, what’s the worst that can happen?

I agree. He confides in me about things he doesn't tell anyone else and I didn't want to just disappear on him. I've been in that place where things are really hard and I needed a friend. Also I do really enjoy his company aside from the romance.

One thing I'm conscious of his boundaries. Like when we last met he told me I looked fantastic and touched me like he did when we were together. I felt it was a bit flirtatious, but didn't want to say 'hands off!' and create an awkward moment.

any other perspectives welcome/encouraged!

If you think you can, you can. I once had a massive crush on a noncommital guy and we sort of dated for a bit and then he moved away and we continued a friendship via phone for quite a while after that. I've always had male friends and find it easy to be just mates with guys. I think it does vary from person to person, and really hate people insisting that it can't be possible for any people of the opposite sex to be 'just friends' when what they means is they can't be 'just friends'

I'm sorry that he's going through a testing time OP but you need to take care of yourself too. There's a chance that you could get your hopes up about the possibility of a relationship only to remain friend-zoned when he's feeling stronger and ready to date - could you cope with him seeing someone else at that stage? If your feelings are not genuinely platonic it may be wise to create a bit of distance.

SuperSuperSuper - I don't personally think he's in any fit state to be in a relationship right now, so I'd be surprised if it happened anytime soon. In terms of my feelings, yes I am attracted to him (he seems to feel the same) & I am grateful for the romantic times we had - but I don't feel it would be good for me to have continued dating him right now which is why I broke it off.

I have a few very close male friends and I don't meet people I can be truly close with easily. I have just felt a teeny bit suspicious about his intentions lately because before the break up I complained he wasn't being proactive - and now he's being way more proactive as a friend lately. Maybe it's just easier for him with the pressure off?

This very much depends on your feelings and what you want I think. Do you want to be just friends? Will you be disappearing if it’s not more. What if things get physical can you turn that down or keep it to FWB. If your feelings are controlled and you are happy to give this a go, then do.

He confides in me about things he doesn't tell anyone else and I didn't want to just disappear on him. I've been in that place where things are really hard and I needed a friend. Also I do really enjoy his company aside from the romance.

Why would a guy confide things he doesn’t tell anyone else in a woman he’s been dating for a few weeks?

You don’t owe him any emotional labour OP, he’s not a friend he’s a failed date that didn’t work out. I don’t think he does want to be friends or he would be treating you like a friend not touching you like a partner. I think he wants FWB?

He has a therapist to talk to if he doesn’t wanna confide in the people close to him. If you wanna play therapist (it’s not really an equal friendship or a friendship at all at this stage is it) go for it but don’t give more of yourself than you genuinely want to.

VietnameseCrispyFish - because there was no way he could avoid it. I'm not going to go into it, but it 'came up'.

Actually we were friends for a few weeks before we dated. We have a lot in common. I have been closer with him than I have been with people I've been friends with for years - and even some partners! I think the fact he came along to an event I was performing at to be supportive a couple of weeks ago proves that he does want to be there for me - isn't that what friends do?

But RE him being touchy feely, that's the only thing that has given me pause. It feels romantic when he does it. No I won't disappear if it doesn't turn to more.