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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on relationships with a widower

13 replies

Peh167 · 07/01/2019 14:25

Hi there. Anyone out there have experience of dating a widower? I’ve been with my bf for nearly 2.5 years, we’ve had our ups and downs but have got through them. He moved in in December, I love him very much and that should be the end of the story. But... since he moved in he seems very irritated by me all of the time and I feel like he is about to leave and say he doesn’t want this anymore. Added to that his daughter is getting married in June and it’s consuming him. His worry for her and how sad he is that she has to do this without a mum. Any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

BillywilliamV · 07/01/2019 14:26

How long since his wife died?

cafesociety · 07/01/2019 14:39

In my experience partners who seem to be irritated by you and snappy irrationally are pushing down a deeper problem. Maybe he feels disloyal now he lives with you, maybe he is uncomfortable in your place and doesn't want to hurt your feelings. He is probably stressed that he has to deal with daughters marriage on his own without her mum's input.

You need a long, honest talk. If not I guarantee resentment will build and eat away at the relationship you have.

I know of 2 failed marriages to widowers. One, they met too soon [within 6 months of the bereavement], he wouldn't get rid of wife's clothes/photos/etc, the son wouldn't accept new wife, he wouldn't give up a hobby which took up big chunks of time, sometimes whole days. She persuaded him to move to another county, it didn't solve anything just tore him away from his support: brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, friends.

The other couldn't cope with her new husband visiting his deceased wife's grave every weekend, and being upset.

It seems a difficult situation to negotiate, the loss of a wife which not the man's choice, so many raw feelings and trying to make another life with a new person must be confusing at times.

MrsMaker88 · 07/01/2019 14:41

Wow lots going on for him. I’ve no experience of it but I know grief can come and go, maybe it’s hit him right now with the wedding and leaving his home (was it the one they shared?).

Maybe you need to talk to him though, he might not be thinking exactly what you think he is? Men can be grumpy to live with, and my DH is horrid when he’s stressed etc. Doesn’t mean it’s ok to take it out on anyone else tho.

Original poster

Peh167 · 07/01/2019 14:54

She died 5 and a half years ago

OP posts:

Original poster

Peh167 · 07/01/2019 14:56

No it wasn’t his family home. He moved from that the year before. If ever I try and talk he says I’m insecure and worrying about nothing

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 07/01/2019 15:00

After 5.5 years, TBH if he's using her loss as an excuse to you, he's just not that into you. Sorry.

My H died 10 years ago, it was very complicated as we were emotionally separated but not legally.

I think from what you've written you'd be better off finding someone who doesn't have this "baggage"

cafesociety · 07/01/2019 15:05

I fear if you don't talk the situation will gradually escalate and you will end up walking on eggshells. You say he gets 'very' irritated, and you're worried. You feel insecure because his behaviour is making you feel insecure, you worry as you obviously feel there is something to worry about.

By him not discussing your concerns your feelings are being minimalised, trivialised, dismissed and you are not being heard at all. You both need a discussion regarding how he is feeling and how you are feeling. A serious talk will allay any fears and worries and then your relationship can start to flow again...surely that's worth it rather than to stay as you are feeling now [concerned enough to start a post stating the problem/s].

merville · 07/01/2019 15:48

I was in a relationship with a widower for 18 months, he'd been widowed 11 years. I assumed he was a good person and his opinion if himself corroborated that ... But as the relationship developed I found (although her certainly had some good points) him to be very jealous, controlling, insecure, possessive, volatile (he called it fiery) and verbally abusive. He also seemed increasingly chauvinist, bigoted etc the more I heard from him

As a result I would say to never assume that a widower is a 'good' person or partner. They're just like any one else.

Sounds like he wants out or is unhappy and you are more committed/attached and don't want it to end. But if someone doesn't want something, you can't make them and you need to get into hard headed, self protected mode v quickly. He may be understandably sad/stressed about having his daughter's wedding without his late wife, but it is just one day, which will come and go v quickly. He shouldn't be taking out his sadness/stress on you and your relationship. It sounds like excuses (or he just expects you to put up with his moods and takes you for granted).

CantWaitToRetire · 07/01/2019 16:10

Theres no knowing really how he treated his deceased wife during their life together. Maybe he was the type to get irritated with her too. If he’s been on his own for 3yrs then he’s had time to get a bit set in his ways so he’s probably having difficulty adjusting to living with someone again. Added to that he’s stressed about his DDs wedding, and if he’s moved into your home he may not like the fact he’s no longer the “lord of the manor” as such. If he only moved in a few weeks ago it’s still early days. Maybe give it a bit longer to see if things improve.

Original poster

Peh167 · 07/01/2019 18:32

So confusing. He tells me he loves me and is so lovely and then just downright grumpy! If he doesn’t want this then why not just say and let me move on? I’m obviously latching on to what I want to hear but I’m hoping cantwaittoretire is right and he just needs time!

OP posts:

MrsMaker88 · 08/01/2019 16:25

Maybe if you give specific examples of his attitude people may give some advice about whether its normal

StillAgony · 08/01/2019 16:59

I was in a relationship with a widower.. we met too soon - within 6mths of her death- and whilst that wasn't the deal breaker, it still caused problems that wouldn't have been there in a different relationship..
The break up was caused by him trying to re-establish a sexual relationship with the woman who was his OW when his wife was still alive
So which ever poster said that widowers weren't always 'good' people was bang on the money!!!

oiiiiiii · 08/01/2019 21:41

When my dp is grumpy it's generally because hes feeling anxious/is ruminating on something and is trying to fend it off and its exhausting. No energy left for warmth and attention to those he loves.

However he's very aware of it and tries to manage it and if you mention you've noticed it, he's mortified, takes it on board and begins to talk it through so that others can see it's not them he's annoyed with.

Your dp sounds possibly un self aware, many people are and grief can make it worse. Has he had counselling?

I do think this is one of those fit in or fuck off things tbh. He's like this - this is the way he deals with things. Can you really live with that. I personally would not be able to, and it's ok for you to also not be able to. If he's getting annoyed with you for having feelings, I don't think he's ready to be in a relationship.

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