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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex with the ex, would you tell new partner?

24 replies

Ax688 · 07/01/2019 13:52

Me and my ex have been split up for 8 months now.

Since we have split up, we have been having sex. I suppose fuck buddies. Up until I met someone about 2 months ago. Then I stopped having sex with my ex.

Do I let the new guy know? Or is it
As far as the new guy and everyone else is aware me and the ex hate each other. We have 3 kids.

I just want a straight up, do I tell the new guy Or not.
Is it opening up a can of worms. Is it none of the new guys business beacuse it was before he came along?

Would you want to know?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2019 13:53

No don't tell him
It's not his business and they don't overlap

MissBehaving1000 · 07/01/2019 13:56

No I wouldn't say anything. You've not done anything wrong but I think it will make life a lot easier by keeping schtum.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2019 13:57

No - why would you need to tell him?
If it is to ease your own guilt - then go ahead.
But he's no reason to know about anything that happened before him.

Musti · 07/01/2019 13:58

So you still had sex with him even though you hated each other? Are you sure you're over your ex? It's not his business but I think you need more time properly split from your ex before you embark on a new relationship

notacooldad · 07/01/2019 13:59

Why would you unless you wanted to create a drama.
There's no need.

Kennycalmit · 07/01/2019 13:59

Why would you tell him ?

You slept with your ex before you got together with this new man. There isn’t anything to tell?

I’m confused as to why everyone else thinks you and your ex hate each other?

YetAnotherUser · 07/01/2019 14:01

I wouldn't actively volunteer information about people I was shagging before I got with a current partner. If there was a reason why it was relevant that they knew I wouldn't hide anything though.

Porridgeprincess · 07/01/2019 14:01

No, unless you have cheated on new partner with ex there is no need to tell him as you stopped and have not since.

whatsthepointthen · 07/01/2019 14:01

why on earth would you? dont lots of people do that?!

TooTrueToBeGood · 07/01/2019 14:02

None of his business what you did sexually before your relationahip with him regardless of who it was with. Don't offer to tell him and if he shows an unhealthy interest in your prior sexual activity consider that to be a big red flag.

Original poster

Ax688 · 07/01/2019 14:08

That's what I thought.
Sometimes things come up in conversation with the new guy about our pasts who we've been with etc. Just general, we are very open with each other. Which is absolutely fine.
But sometimes I feel I'm almost lying, by not telling him. Can anyone relate to that and why I could be feeling almost guilty? As I said he thinks we haven't spoken to each other in months etc because we don't get on.

OP posts:

marriedcouple · 07/01/2019 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - wrong thread.

Original poster

Ax688 · 07/01/2019 14:10

Thank you for everyone's advice.

OP posts:

Sethis · 07/01/2019 14:17

There's a difference between "Not discussing it" and "Letting him think something that is completely wrong".

Lying by omission is not the same as just not mentioning something - you're deliberately allowing him to have a false impression about something that may well be important to him.

He thinks it's been 8 months since you had any kind of relationship with your Ex. He also thinks you hate him.

The truth is that you were fucking your Ex up until you started fucking this guy. You don't hate your Ex at all.

I would certainly consider that your new partners business, and isn't a great start to the relationship.

When it comes to telling/not telling your partner something, my general rule of thumb is "Would they respond negatively if I told them this info?" and if the answer is "Yes" then you should tell them. On the other hand if your partner wouldn't mind or would respond positively then there's no obligation to tell them.

He sounds like he's been completely open and honest with you. Why are you not doing the same?

Original poster

Ax688 · 07/01/2019 14:22

Thank you Sethis that could be why I feel somewhat guilt. You hit the nail on the head. It makes perfect sense as to why I feel I should tell him. I'm torn.

As far as me and my ex are concerned. There was only ever sex. It was nothing else. I know other people may think differently.

OP posts:

selkiesolstice · 07/01/2019 14:24

ofgs, why would you tell him. drama drama.

You're just complicating things. are you determined to sabotage the new relationship, and that is a serious question. Maybe you're not ready to leave the x in the past.

Katgurl · 07/01/2019 14:45

I don't know why you have led your new man to believe you hadn't spoken to your ex in eight months or hate him.

So you have lied IMO.

I would work around it; "we officially broke up back then but it was messy and dragged on. We haven't been in touch since I met you and I intend to keep it that way".

In his shoes though I would be annoyed at the deceit and wonder was there more to it. Is there more to it?

SummerGems · 07/01/2019 14:53

How long were you with the ex and why did you split up in the first place?

I wouldn’t necessarily volunteer information about people I’d slept with before getting together with a current partner, but I do think that sleeping with your ex is slightly different in that if you were still sleeping together then you didn’t actually split up eight months ago did you? And you don’t hate each other otherwise you wouldn’t have been sleeping together.

It changes the whole dynamic of the new relationship IMO because A, you’ve lied to him about how you hate your ex (yes it can be just sex but nobody has sex with someone they hate so even if you’re not together you don’t hate him,) and B, it could leave unanswered questions as to how your relationship with him came about. If a partner told me they had been sleeping with their “ex” right up until we’d got together,” I would be thinking that if it weren’t for the fact they were with me they’d likely still be sleeping with the (not so ) ex and I would walk a mile.

You do need to be honest with your partner here. If you don’t feel you can then you need to ask yourself why that might be.

ElonMask · 07/01/2019 14:57

Well, you must feel deep down that there is something not right about it. How would you feel if it turned out an ex he has that you thought he hated, he was actually banging due to his lust for her right up until just before he got together with you ?

ShatnersWig · 07/01/2019 15:13

I'm another in "you didn't split up eight months ago then really" camp.

I think there is a world of difference between you having a generic fuck buddy whom you stopped seeing when you started dating new man, and shagging your ex repeatedly while allowing everyone including new guy to think you hate him. BIG difference.

And I'm generally someone who thinks previous sexual partners is no concern of a new partner. To my mind, this is different. There's deception involved, not simply lying by omission.

I would wonder if you were truly over the ex if you were still shagging him that recently.

ThisHasReallyPIssedMeOff · 07/01/2019 15:33

Why is it necessary to hate your ex?

Changedname3456 · 07/01/2019 17:14

So you started a relationship with new partner six months after breaking up with your ex (or at least that’s what DP thinks). But in fact you didn’t stop shagging the ex until you met DP (and was there really not an overlap whilst you were still talking?) so it was, at best, a matter of a week or two, and worst case a few days.

THAT would set alarm bells ringing in any potential DP’s head if he/she has half a brain. I would be extremely cautious about starting what I hoped might become an LTR with someone that recently single. The chances of your actually being over your ex would be very slim and experience would tell me not to get involved with you (for good reason).

Assuming you and your ex were together for any length of time, even a six month split would give most new partners pause for thought around whether you were actually over the ex.

Lizzie48 · 07/01/2019 20:35

Personally, I would tell your DP the truth, it's obviously eating away at you and the longer you leave it the worse it will be. You haven't done anything wrong other than lie about it, which he should be able to understand, as it's not as if you ever cheated on him. (I don't get why you felt the need to pretend to hate your ex when you were actually still sleeping with him, though?)

Honesty is normally the best policy in any relationship IMHO.

Boysandbuses · 07/01/2019 20:40

Hang on.....he didn't have a right to know the details. But you have lied by letting him believe you haven't spoken to the ex in months?

That's really not ok. Where did he get the impression you haven't spoken in ages?

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