Gaslighting- am I wrong?

[Kismetjayn]

I've posted here about him. One of the behaviours I noticed a while ago was telling small lies, all the time, to make me in the wrong and him not.

It culminated on Friday. On Thursday I was playing a video game with him. He was very far ahead and I mentioned ah, well you have played this game far more than me, I still can't even get to grips with X and Y controls, and look how far ahead you are. He insisted we had played the game the same amount. I knew we hadn't. It was a sequel, and I hadn't played the first 5 editions, and he used to play with his brothers in addition to games regularly, whereas the last time I played was 4 years ago on mat leave. Yet he insisted he didn't have an advantage and I'd played the game just as much. I felt unsettled wondering how I had played it that much.

I brought it up the next day when we watched a show that referenced v1 of this game and he reminisced. I said but you said yesterday you hadn't played it, you hadn't played it more than me. He admitted that was a lie. I said that was gaslighting (we had discussed the word's origins not long ago). He agreed, sounded a bit worried, said he would try to stop. Okay- I'd be more horrified if someone said I was abusing them and 'try' wouldn't be my word but fine.

Today I was stressed, complained. I was snappier than I should have been when he started being defensive. He also said his lying wasn't that bad and I was exaggerating. I tried to stay rational but probably was ruder than I meant to be. I don't even know how we got to this point but two hours later and he's told me that I've become too big for my boots since studying for uni and all our friends think I'm rude and arrogant.

I'm in floods of tears. Maybe I have been too rude and arrogant, I feel like I can't mention doing well really because I'm scared of bragging but maybe I have been, one friend has definitely not been in contact as much lately. But then he said gently 'its alright, now it's out in the open we can deal with it' and that he didn't want to tell me they had said that to protect me because apparently they said it months ago... Apparently they asked him if there was something wrong with our relationship because I was so rude to him too and I probably was because I've felt down for so long about how disrespectful he is and now since studying have the self esteem not to put up with it. But maybe that's just coming across as rude?

Help, I have no idea and I feel like it's all too much hard work.

So just reviving this thread for thinking space...

He's finally been getting his act together, although I've been quite clear I feel it's too late. I've got my place at uni and planning for life there, taking DD to offer holder day etc.

Now he's finally seen the doctor's again for depression and some other minor health issues including a dental issue that he says is one of two things, a severe recurrent infection or cancer. Now I'm stressing tf out. If he's had this recurrent infection no wonder he's been short tempered all the time. But also its his duty to get that seen to rather than inflicting it on us. But what if it is cancer? I can't leave him when he could be really sick, and he has left this issue for a long time so if it is, he certainly hasn't caught it early. Oh god, life is so complicated.

kismet

This person is a master of manipulation and is simply tugging at your heartstrings because you are a kind person. You are not responsible for him or his actions. I would ignore all his supposed health concerns as well and get on with your life without him in it day to day. He wants to drag you down with him into his pit and he will succeed in that dark aim the longer you at all give this man any of your time.

Do not do mediation either with him, it never works with abusive people like this person who has deliberately and to all intents and purposes latched onto you. He knows what your childhood was like and has used that to further abuse you as well, he is truly the lowest of the low. I also believe that he targeted you and deliberately too.

You don't have to stay with an abusive partner, whether they have cancer or not. Also, given his lying and controlling tendencies, are you sure he's telling you the truth about what the doctor/dentist said?

I'm going to stick my neck out and say something that may be controversial, but I'm not doing it to upset you or anyone

Do not get derailed by the potential cancer situation (if that's actually real - if there is a serious possibility he will already be having other appointments and tests lined up, they won't just say it could be cancer and leave it at that).

A friend of mine was sadly diagnosed with what turned out to be terminal cancer some years ago. He and his girlfriend had been having relationship problems for a while anyway.

I remember sitting down with her and her saying to me... "What do I do? Be the bitch that leaves him because he has cancer. Or be the bitch that stays with him because he has cancer, even though we're both making each other miserable?'

She ended up leaving and none of us judged her for it at all. We all stayed friends with them both. It was shitty for both of them but it didn't mean their relationship would have worked.

"CAB were okay. The adviser just said I need to make sure he feels heard during separation/mediation as it sounds like he's feeling hurt & sidelined"

I think that this CAB advisor was shite and whoever advised you that ought to be reported. That was terrible advise and said by someone who has no idea whatsoever of abuse let alone manipulation or the power and control common to abusive relationships. This is also why mediation is not going to work at all well here, men like this one who has latched onto you will use mediation as a weapon and stick to bash you over the head with.

It is equally likely the CAB person meant make sure he is SEEN TO BE HEARD during any mediation as he sounds as though he will work on making himself seem sidelined and unheard.

And even if they didn't mean that it's not a bad interpretation

CAB were out of their depth in giving advice to anyone in your situation, and have given you very poor advice indeed, in fact in many situations actually dangerous advice. Dismiss it, as the I'll advised rubbish it is.

Its awful them using his emotional state to appeal to you. It just extends his arm of abuse.

Bet your bottom dollar the doctor never said that. He's trying to get sympathy from you.

Thank you all for your sanity ❤️
I don't think he would lie about something like that, but then again if they did seem like the sort of person who would lie about that, no one would date them, so I guess they have to be convincing...

And @greenfingers that is actually really helpful.
I guess even if I was to stay with him, it wouldn't be for him, it would be because I didn't want to feel guilty about leaving with someone with cancer. That's selfish in itself.
Whether it's cancer or not I just need to plough on.

Especially as DD needs me to be strong and reliable. Even more so if her feckless, inconsistent Dad then has cancer!

The CAB adviser was definitely suggesting he felt hurt and I should reconcile or at least let him be heard in mediation. I'm past that now since he said if we were splitting up he wouldn't make it easy for me and I wouldn't get anything from him. Clearly he's thinking of revenge rather than what's best for DD. Fighting to make it hard for me, is just going to put her in the middle, and she doesn't deserve that.