Widowed and conflicted!

[Welshgirl1523]

i lost my husband at the end of August, it was all very emotional and for a bit I was very depressed.
i went through a patch where I was getting very drunk with my grief, it was at this time I saw the best man at my wedding out drinking and ended up having a one night stand! This is not the problem though, just a bit of background because he was like my rebound.

Me and the husband was due to start IVF this month with I’ve delayed to March just give myself time to grief.

My problem is I met the most wonderful guy who makes me feel happy, he knows all that has happened with my husband and also knows that I’m having IVF!

This is where I’m a bit conflicted, I’m worried that he won’t stay if I have this baby, but if have unprotected sex with him there’s a chance I could have his baby, which he’s fully aware of (he currently has a 11 year old daughter)
We’re not in a serious relationship with each other it’s purely company that I needed but he acts like we are, takes me out places and invited me over his house to stay ( where we spend all night cuddling and him kissing the top of my head), I’m growing more and more attracted to him and I don’t know how to tell him how I feel. I’m also worried it’s far to soon to be starting anything new so soon after the husbands death

any advice?

I'm really sorry you lost your husband.

Is the IVF time-dependent?

Yea we had planned to have it this month before he passed away.
But his birthday is next month and the ivf team said I would be a stressful time for me to get pregnant so delayed it till March.

I just dunno what to do I’m regards to this new man on my life, he asks me a lot about it! Just if it does get serious I’m worried he will leave if I go ahead

I'm sorry for your loss. From my experience, it's way too soon to jump into another relationship after being widowed.

Give yourself some space and stop staying over. Do you want your late husband's baby or just 'a baby'?

I’m sorry for your loss. I would take some time out & get some counselling before making any decisions. Good luck

I do want my husband baby most importantly, this new guy hasn’t tried to change my mind about it.

I just feel like I’m most happiest when new guy is around, don’t wanna lose him from my life as well

Do you trust the new guy enough to share with him how you're feeling?

How old are you?

Gosh a tough one and I'm sorry you have lost your dh. I'm assuming as this man was your dhs best man, that they were very good friends? He is probably grieving too so it's likely a false situation though obviously I could be wrong. If you want to go through with the Ivf, try and give yourselves some space. If there's something between you, it will develop but you need breathing space. August is no time at all. Ultimately it's both your decision but I'd try and step back for a while longer at least until Ivf has begun. I wish you strength xx

Stick to your plan, if it's time dependent and you feel that becoming a mother is something you would still like.

Your loss is very recent and still very raw.

Wishing you all the best.

Hi @Welshgirl1523. Another young widow here. I was 33 when DH died, pregnant with my second child. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I truly think it is too soon for your to be in a new relationship. You haven't had any time to grieve and you're bound to cling to this new guy like a life raft. You have many peaks and troughs ahead of you. I would also postpone the IVF for another few months if possible and just focus on yourself. Being pregnant and grieving is so very hard and then the sleep deprivation of a new baby plus grief were my hardest times.

Wishing you strength - PM me if you wish.

No he’s not the best man.
This new guy didn’t even know my husband.
He knows all about my situation and what I’m planning on doing

The best advice i was given when my husband died was to not make any major decisions for at least 12 months. There are so many ups and downs to grief and I've experienced a huge amount of brain fog. It would be so easy to jump into a new relationship while you are still hurting but I don't think it would be the right thing to do at this stage. I think you need to slow things down with your new relationship. How does your new partner feel about the IVF? Has he really considered it as someone else's baby? It all sounds a bit too fast and ill considered at this stage.

Deadzed says it better than I did. Apart from the new guy, I've been exactly where you are. X

Can you push the ivf back? I think perhaps you should take more time to consider if this is the right thing for you to do ?

But off topic but have the clinic got all the permissions you need to have ivf now your husband is dead? I thought that was quite complicated?

Yes they have all the permissions, because my husband had signed all the forms that gave me the right to still have his child in the event that he did die.
I think it all depends where you live as well (USA and the UK are a lot different)

Also to the person who asked how new guy felt, he’s perfectly fine and onboard with my decision to have the ivf!
Had a good chat with him today and we are going to remain friends and just let a relationship grow without putting labels or pressure on each other

How old are you OP?

I’m 30

If it was me, i would give yourself 6-12 months to come to terms with things. You have time on your side. Ivf is gruelling. I went through it 5 times on my own after my dh died. If I'd had time on my side, I would have waited. But only you know how you feel. X

I really, really think you should put on the brakes regarding ivf. You have been through so much and you seem very conflicted. Given your very young age, you have time to think things through.