I think this friendship is over, do you agree?

[agshdk]

I’ve been friends with someone a reasonable amount of time, since we were very young. We grew up together, school together etc.

She’s always been quite...dismissive of other’s lives. I’ve never felt she supported me at all and she’s one of those people who make lots of ‘jokes’ that aren’t really jokes but criticisms of your life. I won’t bother listing them here as they’re all quite petty ad I’m sure you get the picture. Basically everything she did was always incredible compared with what anyone else could achieve.

On this basis I have to remember it isn’t a great loss. But I’ve known her so long it makes me sad. We were very close as kids and we could have had a nice relationship now.

The reason why I think I need to step away is because she hasn’t once come to visit me in the 3.5 years I moved to a new home. It’s around an hour and a half away from hers and because my grandma lives near her, I’ve often seen her and seen my gran at the same time. However I’ve invited her to mine numerous times and she’s either cancelled or said she can’t meet, even to the point where if I say when are you next free and I will do lunch/dinner she’ll set out the next few weeks plans she has and how she can’t really say right now. Then she’ll ask when I’m next over to see her.

In addition to this she rarely asks how I am and will maybe text very rarely herself to start a chat. I’ve always just put up with it as she’s been that way for a long time as an adult and like I say, as a child we were very close and these characteristics weren’t there or noticible by me.

I guess I’m hoping people will be of the view that I’m doing the right thing by stepping back and viewing her no longer as a friend or someone significant in my life. If not I would like to hear it as I’m feeling quite emotional tonight and maybe taking things too much to heart.

I have tried to talk about it in the past but essentially nothing changes.

Yes you have out grown each other. Stop bending over and let her come to you. If she doesn’t then no loss.

I just feel sad and a bit used. I think I should have done it sooner.

I did the same. Friends for 25 years and we rang frequently and I visited etc. I bought a house 10 minutes drive from her and she was the only person not to visit when we moved in. 6 months later she came to a party and looked down her nose at everything.
I stopped ringing and said to DH “it’ll be interesting to see how long it takes for her call”. I got two texts over the next year...then I accidentally rang her and hung up immediately. She asked why I hadn’t been calling so I told her I was just behaving like her and not bothering.
That was a year ago and we like the odd thing on Facebook but that’s all.
I don’t even miss her anymore.

Just need to let it go don’t I. It’s hard, feel like I’ve less friends as I’ve got older!

feel like I’ve less friends as I’ve got older!.

That's what happens to everyone. Lives get busy, we have our own families etc and I have found I have less energy for one sided friendships.
Then you realise you have a couple of good, quality friends and others you just bump into at things.

I do think you are doing the right thing, however maybe something is going on with her you don’t know, maybe there is hope. But yes you should walk away, I would just say be open in the future if she ever comes back

You need to let it go. She's not worthy of you OP.

I could have written your OP, OP

And you have my every sympathy

In my case it went like this

She had a personal situation that required focus from friends for just over a year, after that time she refused to give up the crown and allow other people to have issues and limelight

A tragedy occurred that impacted both our whole friendship circle and outliers to it. In the moment, she tried to make it about her and her situation to which it was not remotely connected. That moment shocked me and from then on it was like someone had given me better glasses because I saw everything in a new way

If it can't be about her - it either isn't happening or she will pretend it isn't

I was going through some shit and she sent me horrible cold formal texts that read like several people proofread them

She was incredibly selfish, and has relegated me to the back benches of friendship since

At the same time she won't just let the friendship die, and leaves me in persistently awkward situations

I was ghosting her and frankly she was ghosting me also and then she contacted a relative of mine for news on me

I was forced to acknowledge Christmas after she contacted relative but when I took a tentative step towards more than just Christmas politeness, I was massively rebuffed. We exchanged gifts but more than a week later I still haven't had a thank you for her DDs gift.

Fucking sick of her at this point, and if she ever repeats contacting a relative like that she will be told to get to fuck and probably should've this time and actually I regret it but it would've burned a bridge.

So yes OP, I hear you

I think you have answered your own question, if you were friends first and foremost, friendship will survive any change of time, but it works both ways, as you say it's making you sad, upsetting you, either you take the lead, and point this situation out to your friend, if you have and nothing has changed, there is your answer.
Honestly, what have you got to lose?

Grieve for the friendship you had in the past and accept it has gone forever.

There's a saying, "don't be sad it ended but glad it happened" which I think would apply quite nicely to your situation OP. Its never fun when a friednship dies out but it's part of life and the best thing you can do is move forward, it doesn't seem like she added much to your life anyway. Maybe messege her saying 'I would really appreciate it if you came my way this time as it's been a while and I always come visit you' if your not willing to let go completley and see where it goes from there.

It's over. I'm sorry.
I probably need to end one like this as well. It's hard. What is keeping you from ending it are all the memories, and sharing so much of your life together.

Yes it’s sad but as others have said it is normal to outgrow friendships.

I had a real bosom buddy for many years but when I changed job I noticed she never ever asked anything about it - every time we talked I then noticed she just waited for me to get to the end of what I was saying so she could revert the conversation solely to herself. After a bit I stopped talking about myself and what I had been up to because it was so one way. And we had several evenings where it was just 100% all about her. Then I pulled away a bit. What’s the point in having a completely one way friendship where the other person has clearly zero interest in you?!