11 year relationship / marriage ended & he has a new girlfriend ...

[missbee90]

Hi everyone,

Have posted on here a couple of times but having a little struggle the last few days.
I won’t go in to all the details but to cut a long story short (it will still probably be long!) my STBX left me in July.. completely out of the blue. I’m 28, he’s nearly 30, owned a beautiful home together, good relationship (apart from last year).. together 11 years and married 1 year.. he quite simply got in bed with me one evening and told me he didn’t love me anymore.. that same day he had messaged me calling me his “perfect wifey” and a few days before was rubbing my belly saying how he couldn’t wait for our baby to be in there .. he has completely and utterly broken my heart and fucked my brain. We had a good relationship for 10.5 years but 6 months after the wedding it was as if something inside him changed, he was miserable, become very selfish and would speak to me like shit if I challenged him (which I would because quite frankly.. I don’t deserve to be treated how he treated me last year).. we had a huge row in June which resulted in me asking him to move out for a few days .. he did and begged and cried and pleaded to come home every single day, promised he had seen the error of his ways etc etc so he came back, we went on a lovely holiday .. celebrated our first wedding anniversary (where he wrote in the card how special I was and how he would make sure he made me happy everyday for the rest of my life and how I was the love of his life blah blah) and then bam 8 days later he got in bed with me and told me he didn’t love me anymore, had been fighting it in his head for months and wasn’t happy.

Rewind 5.5 months to today and I’ve filed for divorce and in the process of buying him out the house. I spent the first few weeks trying to talk to him, trying to understand what had happened but he literally shut me down.. said he wanted to be single and felt he settled down too young and felt he didn’t treat me right and how amazing I am that I deserve better and he’s doing me a favour (yawn yawn yawn). He now has a new girlfriend who he has been seeing since September.. he met her 6 weeks after leaving me (I know everyone will think she was on the scene before but I am 100% confident that she wasn’t, my best friend was at the party they were introduced at and there are other factors which make me very certain she is not the reason he left).

It was one thing coming to terms with my husband (who always made out I made him the happiest man in the world) leaving to go “be single” and “doing me a favour” but how the hell do I get my head around my husband leaving me and then meeting and committing to someone else 8 fucking weeks after leaving me!

He came to collect the rest of his stuff earlier this week, cried and told me he was sorry and he didn’t want this to happen but I tried to remain silent and have now blocked his number and deleted him (he would message me checking in and I just can’t deal with that, it’s not fair). I also have my first counselling session next week. I’m a pretty strong and independent person but jeezzz this has really knocked the wind out of me and I’m struggling to see how I’m ever ever going to get over this.

Wonderful people of MN.. how the hell do I get past this? Please tell me I will and that some wonderful life is waiting for me... xx

Sorry everyone just realised how long that post was! Xx

Sorry to hear you are having to deal with this.

Gather good people around you. Let friends support you. Good that you have counselling lined up. It is something that is sadly just going to take time.

Try not to think about him and new girlfriend. As hard as it is. Block all social media. It is only you that will get upset.

Keep contact about money/children. Nothing else is relevant.

Keep your self busy. There is another chapter for you when you are ready. But don't go rushing into anything.

There is no point trying to rationalise things. You won't get the whole truth. Things change sadly. And people move on. It is hard. I'm a year on and there was an ow. I'm still struggling. But I just keep going Day by day. Some days are better than others.

I think you’re doing a decent job so far. One thing I’d add that helped me when my ex left was getting back in the dating game. Nothing serious and most didn’t get past a date or two —but just the act of meeting new people, dressing up, and ‘feeling’ beautiful again really helped my self-esteem.

I don’t know what to say apart from I admire you for blocking him and not doing the “pick me” dance. Good for you. So he didn’t really want to be single then? He’s not spent any time on his own so he’s just going to end up doing the same thing to her. I think really you just have to try and stay strong, do your counselling, try some new hobbies, set your mind to a life without him. You’re better off without a liar. Which he is. He was complimenting you all the time knowing he wanted out. Unreliable and unstable. That other girlfriend is going to regret getting with him. I had the same with my fiancée. Broke off the engagement because he didn’t know what he wanted and then moved in with a friend of mine. She lasted 6 months before dumping him because she couldn’t live with his weird behaviour. Yep, could have told her that! Let’s just hope that Karma bites him on the arse.

Are you sure the sudden change six months after your wedding wasn't related to a short-lived OW?

You sure are a strong and independent person.

You sound like you're doing great in a really awful situation. I'm sure you're not feeling great but I hope it helps to know that you are doing objectively well, you're doing all the rights things (seeking external support, blocking him, etc). Keep looking after yourself. Sorry I don't have any real advice just flattery!!

"There wasn't another woman involved"

"Are you sure there wasn't another woman?"

The OP has her reasons as to why she is confident there wasn't another woman. Stop making her feel down thinking he might be a cheat too. Not every man wants to leave because he has found someone else. Gosh every time I read a thread on here it always has to involve the OW!

OP I can't imagine how you must feel. Keeping yourself busy sounds like a good idea. I have not experienced myself so hope someone can offer some good advice. X

Arsehole. But ultimately you’re better off without someone who would do this to you. Unfortunately the only thing that will help this is time and there’s nothing to be done but wait it out. Another one saying get back in the dating game too, the distraction will be good for you.

When the person that I had been with since I was very young and who I thought I would spend the rest of my life with left me, I remember thinking I would never be alright again. That was 12 years ago, and I wasn’t okay for a long time, but I’ve now been married for six years and have two beautiful children. That will be you too. Chin up.

If it helps at all, I know many many women who have had the same thing happen (end of long relationship, weeks later ex is with someone new). Someone I know, his wife of 45 years died, he was in a new relationship 6 months later and hasnt been single since. Men just need to be in relationships, is my conclusion.

At this stage, who cares if there was an OW or not. Move on. He has. Don't look back.

Wow you sound amazingly strong tbh! Give yourself some credit. Can't imagine how much that must have shocked you, it's so weird how he could be so loving and then claim to have fallen out of love.

You're better off clear of his games but I do understand finding it hard that he's met someone else, I'd be the same. But good for you seeking help with the counselling, and I feel that with time you'll see that this is for the best and you deserve so much more.

Good luck to you OP and well done for being such a strong lady x

Thank you all so much for your kind words, comments and advice everyone, I really do appreciate it and have read them all.

We didn’t have any children (were just about to start trying as we agreed to wait a year after the wedding.. he always wanted children and I was the one who asked to wait until after the wedding so it wasn’t that which scared him off).

I just keeping telling myself “you’ve got this” and “He lost someone who would have moved the world for him, I lost someone who didn’t care enough to even tell me he was unhappy”.

Life must go on and I’m very lucky to have amazing friends, amazing family, a beautiful home I can keep and my health and a absolutely amazing dog - just need to remind myself of all the good in my life and also tell myself that it’s ok to not be ok sometimes.

Honestly, thank you all so so much xx

how the hell do I get my head around my husband leaving me and then meeting and committing to someone else 8 fucking weeks after leaving me!

Unfortunately I can better that. My mum met with a man who was on dating sites less than FOUR WEEKS after his wife died from inoperable cancer.

According to him
"A friend sent me the link to [dating site] 2 weeks after my wife passed. I was reluctant but as I clicked on the link I felt like I could smell my wife's favourite perfume and felt she was encouraging me and saying yes darling, you deserve happiness"
Me: "Yeah you smelled her perfume because her ghost was saying WTF BITCH I'VE BEEN DEAD 2 WEEKS AND UR ALREADY TRYING TO GET YOUR DICK WET"

I just keeping telling myself “you’ve got this” and “He lost someone who would have moved the world for him, I lost someone who didn’t care enough to even tell me he was unhappy”.

As someone else whose husband upped and left one day a few months ago with no warning, you have no idea how much these words have helped me tonight. Thank you, and I hope this year treats us both a little kinder than 2018 did.

You are brave and strong and you can do this!

You have shown yourself to be mature, responsible and sound with your actions. This is fantastic.

Keep going. It is tough and it is hard but you have the power within yourself to keep going. With each step you take everyday you are making a stronger, happier future for yourself.

Team missbee90!

2019 is your year ❤️❤️❤️

Just because he's dating it doesn't = commitment.

Well done for blocking him. With no children you really don't need to be in any kind of contact with him.

Rebound!! Sad git can't handle being single.

He has done you a favour in the long run. You are young, free, single, attractive (I'm betting!) with your own home and job prospects. And no kids!!! Date, flirt, have a few love affairs, travel. Now it's time to find yourself.

The world is your oyster. Embrace it.

Hiya OP I honestly could have wrote this myself. Other than the only difference is we have a daughter. My husband upped and left in July with no prior warning at all. Then 6 weeks later was in a new relationship with someone I considered a friend. It still hurts every day I still can't believe it's happened. Iv tried moving on but I'm still struggling so my advice is take your time and try and concentrate on yourself and make yourself ok xxx

Morning all, thank you again to everyone else who has commented. I’m hoping that time is a healer and one day this will all make sense, everything feels so scary at the moment.. just so worried I’ll end up on my own and with no children (ridiculous I know as at 28 I’ve still got plenty of time!)

@bluesheep & @pink321 I’m so sorry you’re both going through similar, feel free to PM me if you need to chat. xx

So sorry OP.
I hope it helps that you are not the only one who has been through this. There are a lot of men (it is usually men) who won't leave a marriage/relationship until they've got someone else lined up OR who can just forget their ex partner within days/weeks of meeting someone who seems like a better bet. My ex was the latter, started dating within a month of the end of our 23 year relationship and met his new woman almost straightaway.

Thank you all again, I am feeling a little brighter the last few days .. you all totally helped!! I do have good news.. I am officially a sole home owner, his name is off EVERYTHING and the house and mortgage is all mine 😀 Just had confirmation today! The solicitors won’t release his money to him until the financial consent order is sealed by the court but that’s his problem .. not mine. Everything I needed to do is now done and I feel like a baby elephant has been removed from my shoulders.

A baby step but one in the right direction xx

Congratulations @missbee90

He wasn't good enough for you. Enjoy your independence for now.

Independence and financial security is absolutely priceless, well done.

Keep him blocked on everything, even if he does end up having kids with someone else won't mean he's happy.
He's probably unhappy inside and one day will look back with regrets at what he had and threw away.

Congrats missbee! Only good can come from this, it sounds like you are doing everything right for yourself. I truly believe positive life lessons can come out of utter bullshit. You will find your equal, I am sure.xx

Couldn’t agree more ladies, I am feeling so much more positive these last few days. It still upsets me that after 11 years together and a marriage he couldn’t even talk to me and tell me he was unhappy and moved on so quicker but each day the pain eases ever so slightly. Xx

It's going to be a long process and emotional roller coaster but your positivity, strength & independence will push you through! You've got this! People do crazy things with heart break, don't stress about his new relationship. 2019 & 2020 are your years!!! & you got the dog = you win 😇😍