When will I not feel broken?

[bluesheep]

My husband walked out on me and our 2 DDs on July 1st, and I'm still utterly gutted about it. We have been married for 7 years, together for 16.

I had no warning, we hadn't argued and there hadn't been any change in our relationship at all (sexual or otherwise). He had been in a foul mood for a week or two beforehand, but he'd put his back out and been signed off work and I put it down to that.

That morning we were getting ready to go to a friend's house for a barbecue. I asked him if he was ok, as he was clearly unhappy about something. He just said that he didn't want to be here any more, no explanation or reason. I packed him a bag and he went to his mother's. He is still there, and has never offered the slightest explanation for his actions.

I have had to try and hold myself together, and continue to support the kids (10 and 9) through this. I had to explain that daddy had left, that he wasn't coming back. He has left me to arrange everything, from financial stuff to childcare. He sees the kids 2 evenings a week (by default - his mother picks them up from school and gives them dinner, then he sees them for an hour before dropping them back to me), and he has them overnight every other weekend. He still pays some direct debits (but not the mortgage - I've always paid that) and sporadically gives me some cash.

I hate my life now. It's not just that I still love him, even after everything he has done. I just hate everything, from sleeping alone to being the only one trying to work out how to get through this. When I think of everything I'm doing and compare that to the life he gets to live now it just breaks me. He gets to live a life without having to care about getting babysitters or how much it costs to run a house.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel so broken.

You’ve given him all of the power in this situation. Why? Your children are old enough to be left with him and his mother 50/50 — take them there and leave them there. Use the free time to cultivate your own life and interests. Even if you want him back, begging and letting him walk all over you and covering for him will just make him see you as pathetic. Get yourself together, get a new life started. He may beg to come back, but by that time you may not even want him. Surprise him, and yourself.

Google the 180

You packed his bag? Why?

Please stop doing things he should do

Contact CMS

Start to think of things which will make you happy and do them - even little things

Stop giving away your power to him and please - stop doing things for him

This 'man' has two women facilitating his life for him.

So have you any idea why he's gone off like this, OP? And it's probably about time to think about a divorce. You're in limbo ATM so you don't know where to go or what to do.

I'm in a similar position although separated more recently and my youngest DD is still a toddler. I have no real advice just

What a spineless man to walk out on you with no explanation. I know the pull of still being in love with someone who has disowned you - it hurts like hell but you know deep down that it's not your fault. It's time now to put yourself first. What do you do when the children are with him? Develop a new hobby, see old friends, take regular exercise. he's not the same man that you were once in love with.

Same position as you and @essexmum. No advice but just wanted to say you’re not alone. It’s hard

Does he work? If so please chase him for child maintenance etc. Also arrange custody.

Have you filed for divorce?

It’s the only way to move on

Thank you for all your replies. I know I'm giving him the easy life, at the beginning I think I was trying to be so nice that he would want to come back to me. It all sounds so pathetic now.

I've always been the paperwork person all throughout the relationship. He's never even filled out a form without me doing it. I suppose I've been weak for the entire time we've been together. I've tried so many times to discuss the financial implications of separation and he just refuses to talk to me at all. He literally gets up and walks out.

I keep trying to be strong and get everything sorted. I have days when I feel all capable and human. Then I just seem to crumble and sink into denial and despair again. I can't seem to hold it together for long enough to move forwards.

I'm trying to find things to do when he has the kids. I'm joining Slimming World again and trying to lose some of the weight I've put on. Maybe if I like my reflection more I'll feel a bit better.

Sorry, meant to reply to the questions. Yes he works, but self employed so money is up and down. At the moment he is giving me £100 roughly each week, but it's sporadic. He pays some bills, council tax etc, but I've asked him to give me all the details of the direct debits to put them all in my name. Also I have contacted our mortgage company to discuss my options regarding the house.

Haven't filed for divorce yet, need to speak to solicitor first but haven't quite found the strength for that.

@Gina us spot on

Why did you pack his bag OP?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. It's not right.

Well done @bluesheep

It's bloody difficult to pull ourselves up, when we are very very low

But you're doing just that.

Try really really hard not to give him an easy time, though

There's no need to be nasty - not that you would be - but make sure that you put you and the kids first. Always.

And you have your new friends here, on MN, to help and support you every day

Goodness. Re-read OP to see she has been living under this strain for over 6 months.

DO NOT take the kids round and drop them off. This is bad advice.

I like a lot of what you are saying @Gina but I must disagree with 'not going easy on him.' Fact is, if you do that then you are giving him negative supply which he will lap up even more. It won't wound him but I totally understand why most people want to do it. Hell, a few years ago, I would have done that myself if I was in the OPs shoes.

How to give help right now? The man is an uncaring, malicious dick of an excuse for a human. Not only because of the way he's treated you with an utter callous contempt, he's driven a wrecking ball through your children's lives at such an impressionable age. Hold fast to those thoughts, OP.

Tough love now OP. What you thought was a good relationship was anything but. Your MIL is enabling him (But probably doing it for the best of her perceived intentions). The only way now really is to accept the very bitter pill.
I think you know the truth. Until it's accepted fully in your own mind the pain will continue. I'm so sorry. You didn't deserve this and you must be going through hell.
Small steps. What can you do tomorrow to shore up your own circumstances so that you can go low contact? I mean financials etc. If he's giving you money then you are in a halfway house which is further adding to your considerable burden.
And yes, he owes you but I dont think nows the time for fighting that. Now is duck time.
We're with you.