I have been having some relationship problems in what is normally a very loving marriage. My husband spent a lot of time talking with me about my behaviours and (after listening to Maya Angelou) was sure that I must have had some kind of sexual trauma which I have forgotten. Long story short he found a passage in my diary from 30 years ago
30 years ago I went to Uni aged 18 very naïve (never kissed a boy). In my second term I started a relationship with a 3rd year who was extremely charming but very quickly insinuated himself into every aspect of my life. After 6 months of this I decided I wanted to end it, he was not happy and insisted in staying in my apartment. What happened I wrote in my diary at the time. This is an exact transcript:
“14.9.88. Well XXXX’s gone now but not before he made love to me again. I didn’t want to but he almost forced me to. He said I owed him ½ an hour as he was taking the day off work. I wonder whether I should scream or cry but I find myself incapable of either. I feel almost distaste for him but I wonder whether perhaps he is right in believing that in a few days things will go back to normal. I wonder if things haven’t gone too far to ever be the same. It was painful when he entered me both times, but I suppose that was because I wasn’t really ready either time and it’s been a long time since I made love. It didn’t feel like making love, it was sex and that doesn’t make me feel good.”
Was I raped?