Toxic family relationships, I don’t know what to think....,

[lots33]

This will be long to avoid drip feeding...... I will change a few non relevant details in case of anyone I know being on here....

Background: DP and I have been together for 12 years. both woman. Both in our forties, two young children. I gave birth to both. Relationship has been tough since DC2 was born, due to pressures of young children, competitive tiredness/ resentments, depression (me) etc etc. We’ve worked on this and we are in a better place but not perfect. I sometimes feel a bit on eggshells around DP as she can be moody and I’m definitely not perfect either.

We both have difficult /traumatic family histories and I am sure that this is part of how we relate to each other at times. Both experienced abuse in our childhoods.

DP is no contact with her family by choice. I understand and support this, it is sine the children. I think she would prefer that I made the same choice but it is not in me, rightly or wrongly.

DP struggles with my family and is not good at concealing her feelings. I want everyone to be happy and get on. She wants to protect me. This causes tensions!

Fast forward to this weekend. My sister came for the weekend. Sister is no contact with the rest of the family and is deemed the black sheep. I think DM is narcissistic and Sis is black sheep in-line with toxic parents thinking so feel sorry for sis. Sis has v chaotic life, smokes cannabis, struggles to hold down a job etc etc. Her life is pretty messy atm. She came this weekend and within a couple of hours there was an awful atmosphere, with DP being so obviously off with Sis. All v awkward. This morning, sis and I take kids and dogs to the park and she is tearful saying that DP does not make her welcome and clearly doesn’t like her. Looking for reassurance or confirmation and I am vague about DP not doing family. On return, speaking to DP, I don’t share this with her (she would have been pissed off) but she is clearly angry and rants to me about things that sis said that have offended her. I was there when sis said these things and didn’t really notice / think much of it but I didn’t argue , just acknowledged. Sis left soon after amid much awkwardness. DP isn’t really speaking to me and I’m on eggshells, again!

WwYD? Shall I try and intervene and sort things? Or just suggest that we see each other separately going forward?

FWIW, we have had issues in the past with DP and my mother too. But also my family really are often not that nice.

Is DP possessive? If she wants you to mirror her behaviour with going no contact with family then it all seems rather contrived on her part.
If she is building up resentments, behaving badly with DS, causing you to walk on eggshells as well, then it must add up to some sort of coercive control manifesting itself in the various behaviours you have described.
It appears that your partner was determined to find fault with your sister. It appears that she engineered the situation to ensure that your sister left. And I have some experience of this type of behaviour that may help you to understand.
I have a daughter-in-law who behaves like this with me when I visit. It appears she has problems 'sharing', my son with another person and has tried in the past to set my son, his siblings and the wider extended family against us all.
It didn't work! And these days, we have a reasonable, respectful relationship though we will never be best friends.
But it took some working on with me setting boundaries and never visiting for more than a couple of hours as it sets off her anxiety, not just with me but with other family members too.
It turns out my DIL is incredibly insecure, anxious, with really low self esteem and she honestly believed that my son would leave her and move back with family because she thought he preferred our company to hers.
Its sorted now and we can smile about it but whilst it was ongoing, it caused a lot of confusion.
Just maybe, your partner is of a similar mindset?

Hmm that’s interesting. She has always said that she doesn’t need anyone outside of our family unit. Doesn’t have many friends and is generally happier as us four. We spent Christmas and New year as a foursome which is usual.

However in her defence, I can see that my sis has significant issues. However, my position has always been she is still my sis and I love her. Also, I think DP has become more possessive, controlling since my depression - which was significant, I was v ill and used various things inc alcohol, codeine etc, to try to manage my distress, and DP was both supportive at times and furious too. I have been off everything and stable on meds for several months now. But I think it had a huge effect. It was pnd but also manifested itself as complex psds stemming from childhood trauma.