Hi
I am a frequent poster on here but have NC as my other posts are outing to who I am.
To give some backstory, I am the eldest of 3 children. I have a younger brother and sister who are close in age.
I'm 30 and my parents had me when they were 21, so arguably quite young parents. My Dad made no secret of the fact that fatherhood stood in the way of him being down the pub with his mates and growing up was a constant slew of fights between him and my Mum where they would say and do the most awful things to one another.
From the outside my DF provides financially for the family and we never went without but his and my mums tempers meant that me and my siblings walked around on eggshells.
As a child/young adult I always viewed my mum as a victim of my Dads behaviour alongside me and my siblings and felt terrible that she didn't have the strength to leave him.
However as I have started to get older and start to try for a family of my own I begin to see things differently. Mum would often use us as pawns in her game against my Dad. And on occasion (particularly with me) she would sit crying over something he had done so that I felt compelled to stand up for her, resulting in me receiving a kick to the head from my Dad. I was around 15 at the time but I still remember clearly after it happened, begging my Mum to call the police as I was in so much pain and she refused to. This was a frequent occurrence where Dad would hit/punch too hard to the point that one day I had a bleeding face and still have a scar to show.
The moment that they would make up, I would be the enemy once again and would be called names or told how awful or unloveable I was and how I was the root of the problems in the house.
15 years on, we have all flown the nest. I am in a happy, non abusive marriage with a wonderful man. My parents remain together and by all accounts and purposes are happy and placid and the arguments don't seem to be anywhere near as bad as they were.
My parents try to maintain a relationship with me, which for the most part I am able to go along with. But then I get reminders of what we went through, and I feel like I am seeing my mum for how narcissistic and manipulative she was/is. I pity my Dad because it's so obvious he's a scared man, but even very recently when I dared to question something my mum has done that had upset me she ended the conversation by shouting at me in my house (which had visitors) saying she wishes she would die and hates her life etc etc. This was 3 weeks after I lost my child as a stillbirth.
My sister has recently been sectioned for MH and my brother goes from one disastrous relationship to another. I can't help but think the damage has gone deeper than they would ever care to recognise and it terrifies me that I might ever end up the same if I am blessed with a child.
What I want to know is how anyone has worked through this positively? My relationship with my Mum is either very intense or she's distinctly "off" until I eventually crack and ask her what's wrong and there's always something I have done that has made her feel sad in some way. There has never been an acknowledgement or apology of what we experienced growing up. I'm told I'm making things up or blowing this out of proportion if ever I try and bring things up.
I am not sure whether I am ready at this stage of my life to go completely NC but need to stop this casting such a shadow over my life as when my mum is "off" it plays on my mind and somehow this results in arguments between me and DH
Thanks in advance and sorry if this is triggering to anyone