How to go about splitting up when ‘D’H doesn’t want to leave

[Magicmonster]

I have been married for 7 years, have two small children. My husband has always been quite moody and poor at communicating but it has escalated over the past year or two. It has reached the stage where I’m in tears every other day (unless we don’t spend much time together). A normal conversation will turn v quickly into him just telling me to shut up repeatedly (because eg he thinks he’s answered the question and doesn’t understand why I’m seeking to clarify something with him) and refusing to engage further with the conversation. A few times in recent months when this has happened i have said (calmly) that we both know we need to work at our marriage as we aren’t communicating well and how can we do that if he won’t talk and he just says we won’t manage to sort it out and if I’m not happy with how things are I should leave. I’ve mentined counselling a couple of times but he’s said he doesn’t want to go. If I mention the issue again when he’s calm he will agree that we need to improve communication but will do the classic ‘if you learnt to be [tidy]/[stop going on]’ etc things would improve ie putting the blame on me for his verbal abuse. Until now I’ve been very loathe to break up the family and didn’t think the issues were insurmountable and that I could put up with it even if not work through it, but now I’m beginning to doubt that. So that is a long intro, but my q is...he has made it very clear he is not going anywhere and he would go crazy if I took the kids anywhere. I suspect in his ideal world he would have sole custody of kids if we were to break up, although I appreciate that is v unlikely but it would be his starting point in any negotiation I’m sure. We own our home jointly and are married. We both work and earn a similar amount (although I could earn more if I worked full time). Has anyone been in a similar set up and left their husband? Practically speaking what steps would I take to split up? I feel like I can’t leave as I can’t leave the kids and he won’t leave. Should I get some individual counselling first to try to help me work through things? Thanks for listening.

He sounds abusive.
If he's abusive, and this can be evidenced, I would have thought you could get an interdict to force him to leave.

A local women's aid could tell you more about this and they're the experts - I'm not sure what the laws are in your local area.

Counselling can help if it's from somebody who understands the dynamics of domestic abuse. Some practitioners might have a different approach.

Sorry - to answer your question - yes I was in a similar situation. He left in a strop and I didn't permit him to come back. We were renting though. But if he hadn't left I would have tried to get an interdict.

He wanted full residence of the children. Instead he has eow and half holiday contact.
He's still an arse but the children at least have a routine.

Is there anywhere you could go temporarily while the legal and financial stuff is sorted out.

I was in a very similar position 3 years ago although the house was in XHs sole name. I left with DD and my parent's, thank God because I was genuinely scared of him by the time I left, had us live with them while the divorce went through.

I applied for Matrimonial Homes Rights which is quick, easy and free to do and prevents the spouse doing anything wrt to sale, transfer, remortgage of the property until a financial agreement has been signed off by the courts.

Thanks for your replies, and sorry you’ve been through similar PoppingLoud. I personally think he is verbally abusive and at times a bit emotionally abusive but I assume it wouldn’t reach the levels required to get an interdict, and would be very hard to prove. That’s only an assumption on my part though as I haven’t yet looked into any of this. I’ve been too busy sticking my head in the sand 😟

Omg I could of written ur post, been with hubby 16 years and his always shut me down and uses insults to hurt me as much as possible, don't think ur hubby has got to that point yet,,
Was diagnosed with cancer in October and his made my life hell, not allowing me to talk about cancer or any treatment, has said he hopes I die from it on many occasions, I'm having treatment daily and am in a lot of pain but not allowed to talk about it,this last couple of weeks it has got physical and now have bruises up my arms ,
Sorry gone right of track, I'm still I'm my nightmare and would advise you to separate now, things don't improve when there like that and I hope urs doesn't get worse, x

Oh my gosh DeeDee that sounds MUCH worse than my situation! Im so sorry to hear about your cancer. I hope you manage to get free of it - and your husband - soon

@Deedee0208 Please get help! This Is beyond awful. Tell one of the medical professionals working with you what is happening. They will help you! Please, please tell someone!

Sorry to derail magic.

Hi i was in this position 2.5 years ago we had a joint mortgage and a son. I ended it he would not leave and said under no circumstances would be go I stayed there as long as I could hoping he would go. In the end was too much I moved in with my parents and waited for him to do transfer of equity with the house which enabled me to pay off my debts and deposit for renting a place I ended up better off with tax credits etc even on my own I had more money than going 50-50 with him on the bills. I did take legal advice £50 for half hour and I do believe u can get him out the house etc but it's very draining. Lucky I had my parents and just cut my losses it's all about control with them they don't ever think u will leave.

I was in a very similar position 18 months ago. EXDH was financially abusive (although I couldn't see it) never communicated with me and shut me down if I tried to discuss things. He was always telling me it was all in my head. We went away for the weekend without the children and he almost completely ignored me, said it was time for him to relax rather than spend time with me!

Upshot was I finally got the courage to separate and he refused to leave (owned the property so I couldn't force him out) so I had to go live with my mum with my 2 DC. I'm now in my own place with a new partner and so much happier!

Your 'D'H has no interest in making this a happy marriage. I don't say it often but I'd definitely suggest LTB, you'll be a lot happier!

Exh wouldn’t leave so we separated and lived in the same house (room enough for separate bedrooms.) It was horrendous but one day after two years he stormed out.

Looking back I would have started divorce proceedings much sooner, even while living together. All the financial details and who lives where can be sorted alongside with advice from a solicitor.

I've had friends and family in worse set ups and have left, and been very very happy to have done it.

Deedee0208
Is there someone you can talk to in real life ?
Please please do.

@Deedee0208
You're situation is preying on my mind. Are you saying you're husband is physically abusing you?

I think your poor health may be affecting your ability to think straight. You must tell someone. This is really serious.

Do you have a friend or relative you can talk to ? If my friend told me she was being treated this way I wouldn't hesitate to call the police .

@beerandpopcorn, thank you for ur kind words(made me cry) nurses have asked whilst having my treatment were the bruises are from but I'm too scared to tell them and brush it off,
He refuses to leave and gets nastier if I say anything, feel I'm in a living hell and don't know how to get out, I'm trying to hide all this from my kids but know they hear so much of it,

If you feel able to disclose to the nurses they can help get you in touch with relevant agencies @deedee

You need to initiate divorce proceedings. That will decide the matter of the house and who leaves.

Op, you can start divorce proceeding whilst living together but if he wants residence of children I would caution against this. A friend did this and it just allowed the Ex to "prove" she was a bad mother. It was also horrendous for the children being in the middle.

Would you either of you have sufficient income to move into rental?

If you see a solicitor they can start the separation process but I would advise you to get financial info beforehand and secure any savings you might have.

Be prepared for him to turn vicious, the extent of bitterness my Ex held shocked me. He was not looking for an amicable separation but to destroy me. I naively assumed he would get over his anger so was conciliatory.
Courts don't apportion blame so his behaviour (unless proven abusive through police) will not be considered.

It will be tough but you will be free, start a journal of your life, the tears and frustrations as you may doubt yourself as you go through the divorce. I kept looking back at my journal and it motivated me to keep moving forwards.

Please tell the nurses Deedee x

@Deedee0208
Please start your own thread. You really need help. Other posters may know better than me how to deal with this. Please start a thread now

Deedee
Please confide in someone or phone Women's Aid.

Thanks very much everyone, I appreciate you taking the time to post. Deedee I too am really worried about you. I really hope you can confide in just one of the nurses - I’m sure they can help you get free from your awful husband.

Magic monster if you were part time, him full time he isn't going to be able to claim he is the main carer!!

Get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice and do not leave without the DC in any circumstances