Was this sexual assault

[Fretful]

I'd be interested on any thoughts on this. It happened a few years ago, my memory is sketchy as drink was involved, and I've more or less blocked it from my mind. It keeps coming back however, more so recently as I have been trying to face up to other problems with my husband (have posted a couple of times over the last 6 months or so).

There's not much to go on, but a few years ago I was getting counselling for PTSD, having been raped as a teenager and then having to deal with a historic sex abuse case at my work (I worked with the records so had to find all the old files). I was quite stressed and depressed at this time, and don't remember being very well looked after by my husband (eg I had to keep paying 50% of the bills even though I was on sick pay).

One night we were in bed, having had what was probably a couple of bottles of wine between the two of us. He wanted to have sex, I was reluctant and wasn't particularly active in the whole thing, or turned on. I think I was trying to move away from him and go to sleep, but I just remember him muttering, 'come on let's just do this' and getting on top of me and doing the deed. I didn't tell him to stop, I don't think, though my reluctance was probably obvious. I remember crying during it, but the light was off so he probably didn't notice.

It's not rape, is it, because I didn't say no. Or is it? What do you think?

It keeps coming into my head, so I'd just be interested in anyone's thoughts. Thank you for reading this far!

You did not say no

Just so we are all very clear, the absence of a 'no' is not a 'yes'. There are 7.6 billion people, around 3.8 billion men who I haven't said 'no' to and yet very very much don't want to have sex with.

We got rid of the concept that rape within marriage was allowed years ago, let's not go back there.

Thanks again everyone. I've spent today shaking and feeling sick, whilst trying to maintain a semblance of being fine for the sake of my girls. I can't get it out of my head, which is weird as it was so long ago.

I'm going to contact a local women's charity tomorrow and take it from there.

Thanks again!

How are you doing fretful? Hopefully you're fast asleep but do check in if you're struggling.

I can't get it out of my head, which is weird as it was so long ago.

That's how trauma works. So sorry.

@Coffee

Rarely say this on these boards as it's an emotional reaction on my behalf so I will just leave this here...

You're a rape apologist.

Oh and OP, the counsellor?

The councillor was ethically bound to state the law in the circumstances you have provided.

For the love of all that's holy, get yourself a new one. Don't go back to that one. In fact, some mention of getting notes?

You could but it is likely to result in you expending precious energy at a time you need it the most. I get why you want to as you are desperate for answers, you won't find them with that person. Notes won't exist or will not accurately reflect your own situation as you recall it.
So fucking crap and

Hetty thank you. I was asleep at that point but my toddler got me up just after 2

Thank you Renarde. It should be a simple subject access request for my records, and if I don't check it'll always be a question on my mind. I do appreciate what you say, though, and will be prepared for a sparse answer.

My brain's talking me out of taking any action today but I know I need to. Again, thank you for your help.

Yeah, I get that OP, I would be very curious too.

How's it gone these past few days?

I work for Rape Crisis and we would class what happened to you as rape. The absence of a no does not mean there was consent.

Thank you again, and sorry for the delay. This has been a tricky week, with my middle daughter being affected by his behaviour. Can't say too much but just want to say thank you for all the comments, it's been really helpful.

OP you need to think carefully about what you want to do. It was technically rape, although you will never prove it. Reporting it to the police is a option but you need to decide what you hope to achieve by doing so.

You could leave and take your kids, end the marriage and move on.

You could report it, deal with all the fallout from doing so (and very very few on here will ever admit or actually discuss it) and there will be significant fall out.

He most likely will be arrested, bailed with conditions not to contact you. Kids will be a different matter and may be supervised visits at a contact center. He may be suspended from his job and depending on his role this may mean the end of his career, even if no charges are ever brought (thanks CRB). This may mean you have no chance of any maintenance. It sounds shit and calculating but simply reporting things to the police isn't a magic bullet, sometimes it just doesn't help.

Consider what you want to do and don't act on impulse. Do what's best for you and the kids, even if it's not the popular choice that those on here might advise.

Thank you Lushlemming, that's really useful advice and a lot of things I need to think about. I appreciate you taking the time to post.