Trust and Respect

[EJB71]

I sent a message bad mouthing my husband to a work colleague to which my husband read the contents from my mobile phone and wasn’t happy with the reply and was very angry he said if I ever did it again I would have to deal with the consequences. Three months later I did it again, he packed his belongings and left me and the family. He went away for a month and started divorce. He stopped the divorce and came back even though I had been talking to close friends to get help and support as I have no family left and I live in the south of England but I am from the north of England he was not happy with what they had been saying.

He came back to us the day before Christmas Eve and told me not to be incontact with anyone from his work I sent a thank you message to the person who he was staying with for him to go mad at me as she has told him I sent a message. So he left us again day after New Year’s Day.

I said I only said thank you but he sees it as me going against what he has asked and therfore he cannot trust me.

He feels he needs some space and time away from us, he says I have destroyed him and I cannot love him or would not of said the things I said. I was low and feeling taken for granted built up in years we have been together for 21years but married half that time. Both been through lots of grief loosing close family in sometimes horrible situations but have got through those hard times.

I have no idea what to do as I have to think of the 2 children we have.

How do I give him space and time when I am struggling as to where he is staying .

Why are you badmouthing him to his colleagues, of all people?

You're not happy, he's not happy, why continue with the relationship? When you bad mouth a spouse to others it signals deep unhappiness. His response, to run away then come back then run off again when he doesn't like what you've done indicates to me that the pair of you are locked in a deathly dance macabre of continuously, repeatedly, hurting each other.
There appears to be no prospect of resolution as the behaviour from both of you is on a repetitive 'rinse and repeat'.
Protect yourself and your children by calling time on this relationship. It really is time to get some closure and move forward as separate people.

Agree 100% with @pallasathena

The worst thing you can do in a marriage is bring your issues outside of it. All couples will have problems but is always best to resolve them within the marriage and to not discuss your husband or these issues with anyone else. I think there a line etc and obviously if your husband was hitting you or something bad like then thats different but for some normal marriage issues its best to just keep your problems between you both.

Your husband feels like you do not respect him! He left because he asked you to not do something again and you did. So he not only feels that he cannot respect you but he cannot trust you. I do think he went over board by leaving, coming back and leaving the second time..

I do not believe though that you need to call time on the relationship as most people on this website just suggest "leave him" as a first thought when its not them who will be alone after 21 years of being with someone.

I think you simply have to understand how your husband is feeling, assure him you will stop behaving in this way and also discuss what brought you to complain about him in the first place. As you have been together a long time, you will know that marriage is not something that comes easy. You need to work at it and the fact your husband came home shows that he doesn't really want a divorce. He probably just wanted you to understand how serious the situation was.

I think you should call your husband up, ask him to come over that you want to talk. Tell him that you realise now its important to keep your marriage problems and issues between the two of you. Tell him your sorry, that you did not realise what you were doing was wrong and understand now that he felt disrespected in your relationship. Tell him you realise it cannot be all sorted and okay after one conversation but that you do really love him and will promise to come to him in future if he has done something your not happy about.

What he does next is up to him and you just need to be patient. I do pray you guys work things out as it seems like you do really want to resolve things or you would not be writing about it here. Good Luck.

What were you bad-mouthing him about? Are they genuine grievances? Why is he reading your messages ?
Why are your "close friends" stirring the pot?

was very angry he said if I ever did it again I would have to deal with the consequences

...

Three months later I did it again, he packed his belongings and left me

Then

told me not to be incontact with anyone from his work I sent a thank you message to the person who he was staying with

...

I said I only said thank you but he sees it as me going against what he has asked and therfore he cannot trust me.

He’s right. He can’t trust you. He asked you not to bad mouth him to colleagues and you did it again so he followed through on his earlier dealbreaker.

He then gave you another chance and asked you not to contact work people again. You did and you wonder why he’s annoyed!?

Whatever your issues are, you discussing them with his colleagues is a problem. You need some boundaries. If you don’t have anyone to talk to about your relationship, come on here, don’t talk to his colleagues FGS, after he’s explicitly asked you not to.

If the woman he’s staying with is part of the problem then of course it’s a much bigger issue than your OP suggests. Who is the friend he’s staying with and is there more to it than you’ve said?

You`ve talked outside your marriage repeatedly, when asked not to.

That means that either you are not invested in your marriage, don`t care about his feeling and are gossiping OR you are so in need of people to talk about because your marriage is so bad, that you are justified.

Both aren`t good signs.

It's not normal for her dh to be going through her phone - why's he doing that?

It is quite normal to discuss problems with your marriage with friends at times.

His work colleagues are an unusual choice, tho.

Goodness! Who are these people who never speak about their marital problems to anyone? I thought that is exactly what friends are for!
Best not to leave evidence of it though....

I don't think the OP says it was his work colleagues, does it? I assumed the text was to HER work colleagues?

He came back to us the day before Christmas Eve and told me not to be in contact with anyone from his work

I initially thought it could be her own work colleagues, but that sentence suggests otherwise.

Who are these people who never speak about their marital problems to anyone?

I talk to friends about problems. But certainly not my DH's colleagues and certainly not 'bad-mouthing'.

I only talk to my close female friends about my problems with dh. All of which know him and there for can give advice
My dh on the other had has chosen to bad mouth me to a recent friend of his who doesn’t know me and has turned it into a bitchfest again me which I find very disrespectful of them both as she doesn’t know me to give impartial advice to him
This has caused no end of problems in our marriage so I understand where your husband is coming from.

I love these threads. I love the knots some people will twist themselves into to make the woman the victim and the man the bad guy...