Need some help/your thoughts .

[Homer101]

Hi
I’m male in my late thirty’s with two children. Married for 13 years . But together 17 years. We own our own house. Things haven’t been great with the marriage for a few years now . We haven’t had sex for the last two years but still share a bed. We get on ok most of the time . We have different interests so we go off to do those separately. We co-parent quite well. Her family have never really liked me. A lot of history there . We solved that problem by me not having anything to do with them anymore. I don’t go to family events/party’s.
That’s brief history of the things are .
Now here’s the major problem. My wife is extremely bad with money . I have know this for years and it has caused problems.
Back in February last year I discovered that my wife had acted as guarantor for a loan for £7000 . With amigo loans. This is for a neighbor who I know can not afford the loan repayments of £285 per month. My wife in fact has been paying the monthly repayments for months now. The people have given her some money . But no where near the monthly repayment . This has been done behind my back. I spoke to her about it. I have told her she needed to get leagal advice about it . That we could not afford the repayments . That they had to start paying the loan and that we needed the money back that we have paid.this was months ago so she’s had plenty of chances to do something . On Boxing Day . She made two payment to amigo loans totalling just under £600 . Which has left us with nothing . All bills are paid apart from the council tax that’s £90 . We had £58 left in the joint account . So yesterday she thought it was a good idea to spend £30 on iTunes ! iTunes has been a big problem for a long time . Back in May she spent £140 on iTunes . Most months it’s around £90 . We have had many arguments over it . It’s money we can not afford. We now have just over £20 left for food and bus fairs this month . Plus school lunches for the two kids.
Over the last few months this has destroyed my mental health . I’m being treated for anxiety and depression. I’ve had panic attacks. I just don’t know what to do anymore . I love my kids . I don’t want to tear their lives apart . But I can’t carry on like thing . Everyone is out at the moment and I’m laying on the bed shacking since I found out about the iTunes spending a couple of hours ago. She doesn’t know that I know about it yet .
I just don’t know what to do. I can’t carry on like this .
Thank you for taking the time to read .

Seven grand!! For neighbours? Really? No one is stupid enough to guarantor for neighb! Have you spoken to them about it? Or just taken her word for it?

Is she working? Or is all this coming from your wages?

Cancel the fucking joint account for a fucking start!!!!

And £90 on itunes a month? Wtf. You know people can sell itunes in return for cash?

After you cancel the joint account, you need to cancel itunes! And every other access to money she has. This will only get worse.

Are you sure she's not gambling? Cos i really can't see any other explanation for this.

I'd take the money control away from her. Unfortunately if she's acted as guaranteer for the neighbours you will have to pay it or they can go after the family money

If this really is what she is doing with family money, you need a meeting with neighbour, your wife and you to clarify amounts owed/paid and to whom.

Then CAB with all the paperwork to see what the position legally is, then a visit to a debt charity such as Stepchange for advice and help.
In the meantime, cancel iTunes, change card pins, set up a bank account in your name only for household bills & food.

But I think that there is probably a lot more to this than you are being told, so do as much financial digging as you can.

I have al the paper work and statements and letters for close on 12 months worth. It’s how I found out about the loan .
She had hidden them and I come across them while cleaning . So yes it’s true . It has the neighbors name on it as well . Spells it about . I myself was in shock when I first found out .

My wife works as do I . The neighbors in question. The bloke works the women doesn’t . They rent their house and have help with rent . They don’t have any children at home.
She’s not gambling. There is other debt she has on credit cards but all that’s in her name only . They are all online accounts so I don’t see any paper statements

She dose play games on her mobile so I guess some of the iTunes money is going on that . Not all music I’m guessing.
I didn’t know you could sell iTunes music on .

How much of the debt is in her name? I'd be taking steps to leave her and making sure I was not responsible financially for her mistakes. Time to get your ducks in a row.

I’ve seen before about getting “your ducks in a row “ what dose that actually mean ?

all her credit cards are in her name only . These only the joint account and mortgage that have both of our names on . The joint account dose not have a overdraft. The amigo loan dose not have my name on it but it’s been paid out of her own back ancvount and also the joint one so would that mean my names now liked to it ?
And would any debt be classed as debt of the marriage like assets of the marriage?

I so don’t won’t to rip my kids lives apart . But I have to say that leaving is probably the only real good long term idea

I think you need to take steps to protect yourself and quickly. Can you go to CAB?

I can try, I’m back at work this week so it maybe difficult. I’m in a union and they have a Legal helpline . Not just for work stuff . So that might be an option too.

Of course it's an option: cancel joint account and ring helpline tomorrow. Before this all implodes!

Absolutely use union legal helpline.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's a dreadful situation and you and the children don't deserve this. So so sorry x agree that you need to get sorted to leave her.

"Getting ducks in a row" means taking legal advice and then organizing your financial affairs so that a split will go as smoothly as possible.

Thank you everyone for your reply’s I truly am grateful. It seems I have posted the thread twice by accident and I’ve had some really good advice off the people who have posted on them .

I guess I know the relationship is over and has been for somtime . Doing nothing about ending it has been easier than doing something about it . Plodding on with the way things have been isn’t an option anymore I don’t think . Last year I managed to destroy my own mental heath . If I won’t that to improve I need to do sothing about my home life .
It’s not something I’m looking forward too.

Just too add it’s already starting to implode . It’s the start of the month and we are out of cash . All bills are paid apart from the council tax. But there’s food that needs buying. Bus fairs , lunch or lunch money for the kids when they go back to school.
Plus any other bits . It’s a mess !

It could be that she uses spending as a way to make herself feel better, & actually knowing she has all this dept is making her feel much worse.
Have you tried sitting down with her, with all the paperwork you have & asking if you can have a 100% honest conversation about money & work together to find a solution? If you add up all the bills, & workout a way to repay the dept? The credit cards, are they on interest free cards? If not then apply to do a balance transfer onto interest free, cut up the cards & make repayments to clear the dept. The loan is her responsibility to pay back if she is a guarantor, that’s what the guarantor agrees to do, pay back if the person who borrows the money can’t, but you can go to the small claims court to try to get your money back if they don’t pay. Another option would be to add up all the dept, amigo loan included & take out 1 big loan to consolidate the lot & have 1 manageable monthly repayment, this can all be in your wife’s name & “unsecured” so your house won’t be at risk.
If you don’t want to break up your family it’s worth finding a way to sort this out, being bad with money doesn’t make you a bad person.
If you can do all that & you take control of the money & give her an allowance while you get things in order it’s worth doing. You should also try marriage counselling, finding a way to communicate about all your problems & be able to move forward is worth a go. It’s very easy to say to just end it, it’s much harder to try to fix things, but the reality of breaking up your family & selling your home & starting again is probably a lot harder than trying to work through it.

Bloody hell op this is terrible.

Unfortunately yes, all debt is debts of the marriage. I think you need legal advice and fast. If you can prove a date of separation (not necessarily moving out, just officially not together) you might be able to avoid the loan company coming after the house when she inevitably defaults. But I'm no expert, you need professional advice.

I had a partner in my 20s who was financially incompetent. I forgave him and took charge of all the finances to the point where I gave him a cash allowance every week.

Being crap with money is okay. Lying and concealing new debts is most definitely not.

I hope you're able to speak to the helpline tomorrow but I think you probably need face to face advice.

Are you being treated for your depression and anxiety? If not, make a gp appointment. You deserve to be helped.

Meant to say, I left my financially incompetent partner after 7yrs. Finding yet another hidden debt was the final straw.

Sorry you have to deal with this.

If I were you I would change your details with payroll at work and get paid into your own separate bank account so that at least if this doesn't get sorted for a while then you can always make sure you have enough cash to get to the end of the month for yourself and the kids.

In terms of the loan did she ever explain why she spent almost all of your money to clear someone else's debt? And then proceed to spend even more on iTunes? How does she think your kids are going to eat/get to school all month?

You need to sort out your bank account ASAP and then have a chat with her about the money issues. Come up with a mutual agreement of how bills will be paid but keep your own salary separate from her otherwise. If you feel the marriage is over then you'll need to do this soon anyway.

I would also consider having a chat with the neighbors who took out the loan and explain that they are leaving you and your family without any money or food this month because they took out a loan they had no intention of paying. You shouldn't have to work hard to pay someone else's bills while your children have to do without.

Hi notthefordtype
Yes I am being treated for depression and anxiety. I’d been trying to control it myself
For months . I kept telling myself that I would be ok and it was under control. Of course it wasn’t and I couldn’t control it any more . I finally went to the doctors early December. So it’s still early days . I have some ADs and some beata blockers to help with my racing heart . The ADs are starting to have an effect . There helping a little at the moment I think . I’m waiting for a call back from the local NHS talking therapy’s for some CBT and to see if they can offer me anything else on top .

I did suspect that all debt would be classed as debt of the marriage. So that’s not a shock . Yes I think some face to face leagal advice is needed. I’ll book in for one of those free half hour appointments.
Thanks for your help .