Need some help/your thoughts .

[Homer101]

Hi
I’m male in my late thirty’s with two children. Married for 13 years . But together 17 years. We own our own house. Things haven’t been great with the marriage for a few years now . We haven’t had sex for the last two years but still share a bed. We get on ok most of the time . We have different interests so we go off to do those separately. We co-parent quite well. Her family have never really liked me. A lot of history there . We solved that problem by me not having anything to do with them anymore. I don’t go to family events/party’s.
That’s brief history of the things are .
Now here’s the major problem. My wife is extremely bad with money . I have know this for years and it has caused problems.
Back in February last year I discovered that my wife had acted as guarantor for a loan for £7000 . With amigo loans. This is for a neighbor who I know can not afford the loan repayments of £285 per month. My wife in fact has been paying the monthly repayments for months now. The people have given her some money . But no where near the monthly repayment . This has been done behind my back. I spoke to her about it. I have told her she needed to get leagal advice about it . That we could not afford the repayments . That they had to start paying the loan and that we needed the money back that we have paid.this was months ago so she’s had plenty of chances to do something . On Boxing Day . She made two payment to amigo loans totalling just under £600 . Which has left us with nothing . All bills are paid apart from the council tax that’s £90 . We had £58 left in the joint account . So yesterday she thought it was a good idea to spend £30 on iTunes ! iTunes has been a big problem for a long time . Back in May she spent £140 on iTunes . Most months it’s around £90 . We have had many arguments over it . It’s money we can not afford. We now have just over £20 left for food and bus fairs this month . Plus school lunches for the two kids.
Over the last few months this has destroyed my mental health . I’m being treated for anxiety and depression. I’ve had panic attacks. I just don’t know what to do anymore . I love my kids . I don’t want to tear their lives apart . But I can’t carry on like thing . Everyone is out at the moment and I’m laying on the bed shacking since I found out about the iTunes spending a couple of hours ago. She doesn’t know that I know about it yet .
I just don’t know what to do. I can’t carry on like this .
Thank you for taking the time to read .

What on earth does she buy from iTunes that require such a high amount of money? Does she work and why did she go behind your back being a guarantor?
I think you both need a long adult civil conversation and from your post, it seems like the marriage is over but you both are dragging it out because of the kids.
If you're not happy and think you could be happier wanting out of it, or needing some time apart to weigh things, then it's something both of you need to talk about and find a way to meet half way when it comes to the kids' arrangement.
I'm sure along the way, some MNers will offer even a better and helpful advice. Just take it easy

I think first and foremost between you you need to decide if you want to work on your relationship. Easier said than done perhaps, but I would also seek the advice of a debt assistance agency. Christians against poverty is one a friend used - it's church based but they'll support anyone, whether religious or not and irrespective of the religion. I was there for her meetings and they do budget planners and offer advice and will help you manage the debt.. though it may mean taking out an IVA. But speak to someone. It's very easy when money troubles are mounting to feel it's insurmountable but it isn't. Rather get this under control now than let it spiral further. Good luck, and sorry you find yourself in this position.

Out of interest does she know you would find the iTunes spend? Was it from a joint account or something? Just intrigued if she knew it was inevitable why she continues to do it? Does she have some kind of spending compulsion? I'd be pushing to find out why she does it, putting her wants over the family needs. Particularly if she knows she will be found out and it will cause arguments, never mind leaving you as a unit short of essentials.

Hi
Thank you for your replays . It seems I managed to post the same thread twice. I’ve had some useful advice off both so thank you to everyone . I really mean that .

The iTunes thing. Some it’s music but she also pays games and I’m guessing that’s where some of the money goes. Yes I do think she has a problem with spending . She buys a lot of crap we don’t really need. It’s been an issue for a good few years. Before we had kids we both worked full time and had very good paying jobs. I lost mine in the 2008 crash . The job I work now is not so highly paid. I lost my job only a few months after the twins were born . She only works part time now but dose work any extra hours that come available.

I think it’s right what’s been said about the relationship being over and yes we’re dragging it out , or not addressing it doing something about it . I guess it’s easier to not do anything and just plod along.
Probably a good time to think about doing sothing. I managed to destroy my own mental health last year . So I guess in order to deal with that and help fix that. I need to do something about my home life .
It’s not something I’m looking forward too .

I hear you. For different reasons I'm in a similar position facing doing something this year and not just plodding on. I'm building up courage and hope I can do it. I'm trying to think that if I'd done this last year I'd be at a new normal now and the worst would (hopefully) be passed. Hope that train of thought helps you find the strength to move forward.

She's very selfish OP. Immature and selfish in leaving you with only twenty quid for food and bus fares. Can you take the children and move out? Both you and they deserve a proper, happy life rather than this horrific one you find yourself in.
If I was you, I'd temporarily move in with family or find an affordable rental with the children and then sort out a more permanent solution. You can't continue in this relationship and both you and the children deserve so much better.
Stay strong OP.

I think this is more than being bad with money....she is totally naive (and that's a nice way of putting it). How on Earth you stay with someone like that I don't know but I know what I would have done!

Thanks everyone for your wise words and advice. I’m thankful for you al taking the time to reply on my thread.

I hear what your all saying . I know deep down that it’s over I truly do. I did before I posted if I’m honest.

I’m just not sure I’m in a good enough place mentally now to do it . I so wish I’d done something during the summer when things started to get really bad and more things were coming to light around money . But I didn’t. Foolish now I know as I’ve destroyed my own mental health. I also knew I was suffering with depression and anxiety. I didn’t do anything about it to start with. I thought I could cope and handle it myself and things would get better. I did in the end reach a point where I knew I could no longer cope and I went to the Doctors for
Help. That was the second week in December so it’s still early days . I have some ADs and some beata blockers for my racing heart . I’m due to have some CBT from talking therapy’s too. So I’m trying to take the right steps to help myself.
You’ve probably noticed I’m a bit of an idiot when it comes to putting things off