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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help me see the other side of this

33 replies

crispysausagerolls · 05/01/2019 10:07

Hi there - I am feeling very resentful about a friend of mine, and I think that I am probably wrong and being unfair; but I just can’t understand her side of the situation. I want to, and I want to not be annoyed but I haven’t been through what she has so maybe that’s why I don’t get it. It’s quite long so please bear with me

May 2017 my friend had a mmc at 12 weeks. I supported her through it as best I could. In November 2017 i was pregnant. I told her very delicately and understood she may well not want to see me or hear about the pregnancy, so we never talked about it. I saw her once in April when I was quite heavily pregnant and, unbeknownst to me, she was also in the early stages of pregnancy. When she told me it was wonderful and I spent months supporting her through her concerns daily etc and giving her advice and helping her.

DS was born beginning of July and she has not met him. I have invited her over several times but she always has a vague “I’m so busy” reason. Of course I understood in the beginning until she got to 12 weeks or maybe 20 and felt more secure, she might not want to see a baby. But it has been 6 months and she is now over her due date. And the whole time she has been messaging me daily asking for advice re buggies or feeding or questions to do with labour etc. I perhaps have sent her 3 photos of DS in 6 months and I get a one word response, followed by more questions.

With her birth imminent, I feel resentful. Because I will be excited and lovely to her and make a fuss and visit her, and I feel like she did “steal” this from me, by effectively ignoring that I’ve had a baby.

Sorry that I haven’t verbalised this well, and I’m sure this does make me an awful person but I haven’t experienced loss before and would love someone to come along and just kind of explain what’s going through her head so I can get over myself!

OP posts:
Rhubarbisevil · 05/01/2019 10:12

Some people are like this. An extended family member refused to see me when I was pregnant because she (thought she couldn’t conceive. She refused to go to a big family celebration because she didn’t want to look at pregnant me. Then she went on to have twins and I had 4miscarriages and she never said a thing.

Some people are idiots, she has the problem, not you.

Try to forget the past but I suspect your friendship has changed somewhat. Try to do child related events, ie soft play, and see if you can reconnect.

Flowers and a hug.

PurpleDaisies · 05/01/2019 10:12

What was your relationship like before all this happened?

It could be that she’s developed anxiety related to the pregnancy. That would explain all the questions and the seeming lack of interest in you. Anxiety can be all consuming.

pumpkinpie01 · 05/01/2019 10:13

I find her behaviour really odd , she is pregnant now so is not suffering infertility and finds it too painful and has not even met your son or took any interest in him yet expects your advice on a daily basis ! I think she is being really rude .

tinydancer88 · 05/01/2019 10:24

I wonder if she is feeling anxious, despite being very heavily pregnant, that something could still go wrong. Things might change after she has had her baby.

Topgirl1 · 05/01/2019 10:24

Maybe until she has her baby she is still petrified that things will still all go wrong? After all she has been pregnant before and her happy ever after didn’t happen.
Maybe see how things are after the baby is actually born.
Kudos for being such a very good friend to her

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 05/01/2019 10:36

Rhubharbisevil

Wow, I am so, so sorry for your losses 😔❤️ What awful behaviour from the family member. Did you ever say anything to her?

Everyone suggesting anxiety - you could well be correct, I would probably be less upset if it weren’t for the daily messages though. I suppose I feel a bit used in a way?

Thanks all for being understanding!!!

OP posts:
tootruetoyou · 05/01/2019 13:44

Why don't you casually mentioned it to her? Not in a heavy way. Make it light hearted/ almost a joke and see what she says.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 05/01/2019 16:26

So I suppose the reason I posted today is because I DID try to mention it and she just laughed it off! I said something like “I’m so excited to meet your baby, I’m sad that it’s been 6m and you haven’t met DS”. All she said was “I know just been so busy”, and then dropped some hints about something she wants me to help her with. I guess I would have just preferred her to be honest and say she doesn’t want to see DS until she has her baby in her arms you know? If that’s what the issue is (and it may well be).

OP posts:
deadliftgirl · 05/01/2019 19:08

Perhaps because she has MMC before she is scared to go out and about and would rather rest but I assume this baby has been born by now?

Also does not excuse her not replying to the photos of your child. Honesty, it doesn't sound as if she wants to be a good friend to you. I suggest you distance yourself or don't message her up.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 05/01/2019 19:10

Also does not excuse her not replying to the photos of your child

Actually I hadn’t even thought of this! Yes, I have found this very hurtful! Even after he was born she didn’t message once in the following weeks to ask how it was going, only to ask questions about her own pregnancy. But then if she doesn’t want to be a friend why does she message me so often?

OP posts:
Rhubarbisevil · 05/01/2019 19:37

No, I haven’t said anything, I can’t be arsed.

Maybe your friend is so self-absorbed she doesn’t know what she’s doing?

RivanQueen · 05/01/2019 19:55

She sounds incredibly self absorbed and rude to me. I can understand she may have been anxious at the beginning of her pregnancy but she is way past that now and all has gone well for her. The way she is acting towards you is as though you haven't had a baby and the only thing that matters is her and her child. I would stop contact with her and stop answering her questions. If she can't be there for you as a friend why should you be there for her. She's just using you, making it all about her and making you feel shit in the process.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 05/01/2019 22:32

Do you think it’s possible to say anything beyond what I’ve already said?

OP posts:
Iris27 · 05/01/2019 23:30

I think you have to. Your resentment is only going to grow otherwise.

Mrsmummy90 · 05/01/2019 23:48

Friendship is a two way street. It's all about give and take and right now, she's all take and no give.

The least you deserve in an explanation. She is being massively selfish and rude to not acknowledge your child but to expect your constant advice on hers.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/01/2019 00:01

I really feel for you OP and congratulations on your baby.

At the start of your post I honestly thought you might be one of my friends Blush

Long story I won’t bore you with but I had a mcc which I told my friend about, she wasn’t hugely supportive but was okay, she then told me she was pregnant (in a hugely insensitive way) and I turned down a couple of opportunities to meet up while she was pregnant. She’s never suggested meeting up since the baby was born but I sent gifts and messages etc. After several more mcs, which I didn’t bother to tell her about, I’m quite pregnant and it’s all going well but I haven’t told her and we haven’t been in touch for ages. I don’t know what to do tbh but the bloody last thing I’d ever do is pepper her with questions or ask for any favours. Me being pregnant now hasn’t erased my previous experience or my hurt at how shockingly shit I feel she was at a difficult time for me and I have tried to look past it but it’s difficult.

Don’t feel you have to keep up this one-sided dynamic. She hasn’t been there for you and it doesn’t sound she’s in denial if she can bang on about her own pregnancy constantly. It’s fine to say no to favours and not be there for every small question, I’m sure she has other friends, maybe some where the relationship is more mutually supportive.

Even when I did it through gritted teeth or while having a silent bawl I replied to pictures she sent me of her baby and was interested and friendly though perhaps not gushing. There’s no excuse for basically ignoring your child while expecting your daily involvement and help with her pregnancy. Her baby isn’t more important than yours because of her previous loss. She’s had a painful journey to where she is now but your baby is just as precious and you’re going to struggle if she expects you to treat hers like the second coming while having pretended yours doesn’t exist.

Original poster
crispysausagerolls · 06/01/2019 08:45

Annelovesgilbert

Thank you so much for your insight, and I am sorry to hear of all the heartbreak you have been through. Sounds like your friend has behaved despicably and valued her happiness higher than your friendship, and doesn’t care about your pain 😔 very hurtful, and now you know what sort of “friend” she is. She really shouldn’t have been sending you pictures etc - how insensitive

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy ❤️ How far along are you?

OP posts:
Reflexella · 06/01/2019 08:52

It’s all about her isn’t it?

Fertility/pregnancy issues are a bit of a red herring.

As a person who has had mmc among pregnant people and the reverse. I think her behaviour is OTT.

I’d be distancing myself from this person.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/01/2019 12:09

I didn't mean to go on so much @crispysausagerolls Blush

30 weeks now, and thank you Smile

Have you had any further thoughts about your friend? Is she still contacting you a lot? It's fine and right to gently pull back if it's taking a toll on you, you need to focus on yourself and your baby.

Sunshineandflipflops · 07/01/2019 12:21

I had an early miscarriage before my first child and i have friends who have had more than one mc but not once have we ever been anything more than happy for and supportive of each other on our journeys into motherhood.
I think you are being used and I would be backing off from answering questions unless she shows a bit of interest in you and your baby.

Lbwestf123 · 07/01/2019 12:23

Maybe she doesn’t want to meet your baby till she has her own?

Then she might be over the grief she felt for her loss? That’s what I’d assume. X

bluebird3 · 07/01/2019 12:34

Maybe she feels that you 'stole' her pregnancy as she was pregnant first and meant to have a baby first. She might see it as she needs to even the score before meeting up so it's not like you 'won' bc then you'll both have babies. I'm in no way saying this is ok, bc her behaviour has been really poor. It sounds like you've already tried to bring it up so I would probably take a step away from the friendship.

Sensitive1985 · 07/01/2019 12:39

I get a sense that your friend was going through a challenging and vulnerable time. You may not have known the full picture, despite how it may have looked or felt on the receiving end. Maybe her distancing herself was also a cry for help. What else do you think her distance could have meant?

It sounds like she has now transitioned from that stage and I would take her reaching out to you for advice as her reaching for love an connection with you as a friend.

It may be worth, in a non-confrontable and positive way, asking her if she is OK as she wasn't herself for some time. Try to explore why that happened and let her know that you love her and missed her when she wasn't around at that important time.

I see why it may feel that an important moment in your life was stolen from you. But maybe you were actually giving her a gift as a friend by giving her space without punishing her for it. Perhaps she didn't have any of herself to give at that time.

I try to always think about things from a different angle. People are generally good at heart and trying to do the right thing. I don't think she is or was intentionally using you.

Good luck to you.

ErickBroch · 07/01/2019 12:45

I wouldn't bother helping her. Wait and see if she contacts you if she isn't 'getting' anything from you... will give you some answers.

SandyY2K · 07/01/2019 13:39

Your friend sounds rather selfish. I really don't take well to that kind of behaviour tbh.

You're more patient than me. I'd have blocked her already.

I can't stand conflict. It makes me anxious, so instead and I'm quick to get rid of people like this.