How often do you laugh, joke with your spouse?

[user1466690252]

Hello,
We have 2 small children. Life isn’t fun and I’m trying to work out of its me or him? Or just temporary because of the situation? Or normal even and no one talks about it. DH has a high powered job, I say it like that as he claims he finds it easy so I can’t say stressful but it must be on some level. I am a sahp to 2 children under 5. Dh works away 4 nights a week.
He is highly strung as a person, always knows best and very successful in anything he does. I am a bit of a people pleaser. But have a ferocious temper if I feel like I really care about something and won’t give up. Our life hasn’t been fun for a while. I don’t want to separate, but I’m not sure how to fix it.
How often do you laugh together and what do you do for fun? Dh is a great dad. The life and soul of a party (I love going out as a couple because I see the him I fell in love with, just directed at other people) with me he seems distant. At times I would go as far as to say he dislikes me. I pick my battles and probably put up with more than I should but no one is perfect and I’m sure I have my faults. He often says I don’t like it if someone reacts I way I wouldn’t. For example, he accidentally knocked me moving some furniture and I said ow. He said “oh if didn’t hurt” I was upset and thought he should of said “oops sorry” even if he said then it didn’t hurt (it did) and I find his attitude cold and uncaring, but maybe that’s me and he’s right? I don’t know I’m rambling aren’t I. What does a healthy relationship look like I guess I’m asking, a real one not one on the movies. What can I do to help. Because if I walk away it’s going to be very hard for a lot of people and I want to know I did everything I could before it comes to that

Are you sure you're not over reacting OP? Surely you're not thinking of chucking a whole marriage away just because DH isn't quite as sensitive as you'd like, and you aren't finding life "fun"? Would it be any more fun on your own, with financial worries and no one to share things with?

He should have been more caring when he hurt you. Think you should have some date nights - your not spending much time together if he is working away and you have 2 small children. Sounds like you need to find the couple you were again and yes you should laugh and joke together.

I think you’re at the most difficult stage with young children (mine are now teenagers). I was in almost the exact same situation as you. Each day is tiring, you feel that you want support and to be part of a team but if your husband is anything like mine his job seemed to take most of his energy and I was left to deal with the home and children for a large chunk of time. I found it tough. What I have learned to do is not take on more than I can cope with (I now work very part time). My children are great company and we spend lots of time together as a family, walks, meals out etc where we all laugh a lot and enjoy each other’s company. I remember my OH saying that he has to be pleasant all day at work and he often needs his own space at home. We do laugh together and have fun but there have been many times where I’ve felt like a single parent. I’m not sure what a normal relationship is like, but we enjoy each others company.

Maybe, that’s why I’m asking, but every single thing seems like a battle and fun things turn into an argument. I’m sure it shouldn’t be that hard. I realise he isn’t as sensitive as me, I’m not as organised and clinical as him but I have met him half way doing things the way he likes it as I know he likes it. I never ever get a “you did well there” or “thanks for that” or much positive at all. Maybe I am too needy and need to be satisfied with my own self praise. I don’t have a job and the kids are relentless so it isn’t easy not having someone say “good job” now and again.
I want to have fun with him, we just don’t. It’s like he turns off for me. He’s fun for everyone else so when it’s my turn he just switches off and I get the sulking tired version of him.

Thank you your replies make sense. I do 99% of the work all the time. I don’t get to switch off. I get a bath in peace twice a week, that’s my break. And not so much of peace as I can still hear them all whilst I’m in it. I’m struggle to be the happy jolly fun one to spur him on, it seems unfair and it’s exhausting.

I think mabye not enough time is being spent together. Me and my partner have been together 8 years have 5 year old, 4 year old and currently 19 weeks pregnant my partner works full time and gets 1 or 2 days off a week but they usually fall on my uni days so don't get alot of time together. I am with the children more than him as he is away more. I thought the same as you sometimes especially when my kids where younger and trying to juggle everything. You have more time to be care free relaxing and having fun when you don't have as much responsibility but my partner can be grumpy for a while but then we do have good times and make each other laugh mabye just having date nights or even cuddled up watching movies when kids are in bed will sort this xx

Thank you. It’s nice to hear it is some what normal and can be fixed, the thought of this being it forever makes me sad. We very rarely get time alone together and it’s normally for big thinks with pressure added to enjoy ourselves like weekends away or weddings. I would love to just “be” with him. Wander round the shops and eat a meal together, those are the things I miss us doing more and I’m so tired that the big things just exhaust me more, as nice as they are, and I’m sure that annoys him

I laugh with my DP every single day. His sense of humour is the reason I fell in love with him. I’m the more sensitive one and sometimes I do get a bit upset when I think he’s not being very thoughtful or has said or done something which isn’t very nice but I soon get over it because I’m the grand scheme of things it’s not important. I know he adores me, I fell in love with a man who isn’t sensitive and that’s the man he is.
Perhaps the two of you need to spend some quality time together, is there anybody that could have the children for the weekend and you guys have a weekend away doing something you both love? Family time is great but couple time is just as important

I have been with my DH 17 years and we have 3 DCs. I think it’s true what people say, that having young DCs is hard and you do lose some of the fun element of your relationship because you get tired and ground down by the daily drudge
BUT - your DH sounds like quite hard work tbh! Even though DH occasionally does my head in, and I know some of my faults/habits go on his nerves, I always, always feel loved and appreciated by him. He is caring and kind and we have a great laugh together.
I couldn’t be with someone who I felt didn’t really care for me very much. The fun can come back with some effort (more alone time together, better communication, etc), but to feel unappreciated and not really cared for is a relationship killer IMHO.
All the best to you OP

Concentrate on you first. Buy your way out of the drudgery - get a cleaner, babysitter for a day or half day a week and another evening when he is working away - so that you can indulge yourself, come up for air. Then you will be more positive when he is back at the weekends - then get out as a couple as well. Doesn’t have to be evening when you are too shattered - get a babysitter so you can go out for breakfast or lunch. We used to have a babysitter 4-8pm on a Saturday - it was so much fun counting down to 4pm - then we went out did whatever - babysitter did tea, bath and bed.....and we got home for 8 to a quiet house with a takeaway and a bottle of wine....bliss

I used to have fun with dh but slowly I felt less attracted to him. There were little things I resented which grew into bigger things.

I would speak to your dh. Is there anything he might be resenting?

Another one suggesting you try find time for both of you (which can be time chatting without the tv and wine once he kids go to bed). But also for you alone. It’s so important when you have young kids, even an hour to go have a massage or meet a friend for a child free cuppa.

Having a young family is hard, so hard. Our children are adults now, living their own lives, and we are back to being how we were before children - we have a great laugh, lots of meals out and holidays etc. I would be lying if I didn't say we've had some real lows over the 32 years of our marriage, one or two I couldn't see us getting through, but we have and I'm so glad we did.

One thing we have always done, even when the children were small, is to make time for us as a couple - utilising family to babysit and the grandparents to have the children so we could have the odd weekend away. Can you get away for a couple of nights? If not then at least get a babysitter and get out as a couple, like you say to go shopping or go for a nice meal?

Another thing we did when the children were young was to employ a cleaner for a couple of mornings a week. If you can afford this I would seriously suggest you get one. I wasn't a SAHM but I don't think that being one means you can't justify having any domestic help if you can afford it.

Do you have any time for yourself? Do your DC go to nursery school? It will help if you can get away from the domestic situation if only for a couple of mornings or afternoons per week, especially as you are the SAHP. Having interests outside the home clears your head and gives you things to talk about as a couple other than the children. I used to go to a gym that had a creche and it just gave me some breathing space (sometimes I would head straight for the coffee shop and read the paper for an hour or so. I still technically went to the gym ).

I would say however that you both need to be invested in getting your relationship back on track, so if your husband is cold and distant and can't see there's a problem that needs addressing this could be a stumbling point. Oh and he should have apologised for bumping the furniture into you, that's just manners!

I could of wrote this myself, I too came on here looking for advice. I am with a guy who loves his work, loves the overtime and would rather be at work then at home, he comes home at 2.30pm after starting at 5.30am and is always exhausted, he usually will sit and play on his PlayStation, sometimes for upto 9pm when he then goes to bed, during this time I can't talk to him as always says he can't do more then one thing at a time so he will make a point of putting the remote down to have a short convo with me and once last breath was spoken he is back on it, if it's not his computer it's his phone, if it's not that then he is napping, all the time I am looking after the 2 young girls we have which as a stay at home mum I am also exhausted by 2.30, and then he will ask me what is for dinner, he never does any housework ever, doesn't even pit his clothes away! We need alot of work doing to our house and he is always so tired at the weekend nothing ever gets done as he just wants to 'relax'! I thought he did that every day after work!! I am so fed up, I try to talk to him but he always make me feel like it's in my head and that I am moody or emotional, I am currently sitting in the kitchen escaping eith a Bailey's at 5pm while doing dinner and trying to stop myself from.crying, is it me, am I too emotional or needy! Should I be doing all of these things as a sahm6or should he be helping me when he is off, he also never does night time feeds for 3month old.
Sorry for the SA

but every single thing seems like a battle and fun things turn into an argument

This is significant as well as his inability to say sorry as it breaks the connection you have as couple.

How old are the children as there can definitely be an age when life is just difficult.

My sister had what I thought was similar marriage issues mine but 2 factors were very different, her husband took some responsibility for his actions and they laughed together.
I also never felt my Ex had my back and his actions were always self centred. We were not a team as my job was to support him in his goals or needs. He also had a high powered job and his outward image was very important to him so he sparkled for outsiders.

Your situation sounds similar to mine. It's taken me a long time to figure things out. I thought I was ungrateful, going mad, blah blah.

I'm also a people pleaser. I think after coming on here and having a whine potentially discovering my O/H is a narcissist. I'm still questioning my predicament.

I'm not suggesting you are in sane boat. When you have Young's kids it's so hard trying to focus on your own problems as they take up so much time.

I think relationships aren't supposed to be easy but not supposed to be this difficult either.

I don't know whether coming on here has helped or confused me further but I hope you find the answers your looking for.

Try talking to him? Or Other people. I'm fiercely private hence coming on here.

You are not alone though in not laughing enough.

Good luck

Georgie84 your situation is totally unacceptable. Just because you are a SAHP doesn’t turn you into a slave for him. He has detached from his family. You need to agree what chores you both do on a daily and weekly basis - when he is home from work - you are both “on duty” and need to share this so you get some rest. You can’t do 24/7 - he needs to step up - or get out. You would have loads of rest if you kicked him out - less picking up after him, total control and then time to yourself when he had the kids.

Not often enough!
We get caught up in the stress of day to day and get snappy.
I often resolve to try and laugh more together- sometimes it lasts a while

Right now, every day. We've not always had it easy. In the hard horrible times, never. But now, every day and I treasure it.

I adore my DH and have always loved his sense of humour. We’ve been together 23 years and I can’t think of a day when we haven’t laughed together. We are both daft and easily set each other off. He’s very playful and we are both able to easily put stress aside.
If one or both of you feel unusually miserable, perhaps look at whether someone is feeling a bit depressed. Also try talking, DH and I talk a lot and we manage to solve many problems before they even become problems iykwim.

We laugh with each other every day. Constantly high giving each other or saying jinx when we say the same word.
Always giggling laughing and teasing. Stealing kisses.
We're child free, just in case you wondered.
However, I do remember my parents were very affectionate and playful with one another in their 40+ marriage. . DH and I are the same way, thankfully.