Difficult mother

[J17d]

This maybe a long message so please bear with me.

I am an only child. Had a good childhood, some anxiety issues when I was a teenager due to feeling pressure to achieve so highly in academics. I dealt with this with counselling. I went to uni lived away for four years came home for a year then my boyfriend of 4/5 years at the time now my husband got a good job earning more than me 5hrs from where my family lived so I moved jobs to live with him as it seemed the logical thing to do and I love the city. We both have successful careers very happy where we live we brought a house, got married and now expecting our first child. We have been together now for 14 years.

My mum had sadly lost a baby before and after me (why I’m an only child) and has many medical complications. She has never been that well. My dad is a lot older than her and has always been supportive of me and looks after my mum.

They have helped us a lot gave money to our wedding and towards the house deposit brought things for their soon to be grandchild. All of which we are very grateful for.

So since I moved away and up until this day still I have had non stop arguments and made to feel guilty that I live far away, I’m nearer his family (who are an hour from us), I don’t want her to help me more with the baby coming (I’m a very independent person), I don’t want her in the delivery room, she upset I don’t want her staying with us stay as I want her to stay in a hotel and visit visit us for a few days for the first couple of weeks when baby arrives as I want us to bond as a family and overall constantly hear how upset she is that she never got the life she wanted of family and grandchildren all around her.

I ring her 5 times a week, see them once a month and we go on a regular holiday with them each year. We see his family equally as well.

We are both very different people and-see things very differently.

But I dont know what to do anymore. I can’t keep feeling guilty I’m am very happy in my life great job amazing husband nice house. But it’s never enough for her. Recently my dad contacted me at a lose end as she doesn’t want to stress me while pregnant so been yelling at him instead of me saying why he won’t talk to me and stand up for her. She doesn’t let go of anthing but stews and stews on the same things instead of accepting.

I don’t know what to do anymore and I feel when baby arrives it will just get worse. 😔

Things will change when the baby arrive so maybe you should consider making both sides of the family aware that you won't necessarily continue as you do now. E.g. Calling 5 times a week - babies don't work to a schedule and you'll be exhausted so I doubt this will continue. Visiting once a month when they live 5 hours away - the baby shouldn't be in the car seat for that long, you'll both be tired and you won't want to sort out all the stuff you'll need. If you do this for both sides of the family that means you're away every other week!

Time to implement new behaviours to the benefit of your child.

So she's actively choosing to shout at your dad so as not to stress you while you're pregnant? It makes her treatment of you sound very deliberate.

I'm guessing your phone calls mostly consist of her having a go at you, if she's been criticising you constantly over when you live?

I can see both sides re her wanting to stay when the baby comes. She wants to be close and involved, probably has a fantasy image of what it'll mean to be a gran. You want privacy and a chance to bond. Perhaps a compromise of her visiting from a hotel when baby first comes then maybe coming to stay a few weeks later?

Do cut down on the number of phone calls though. I think she'll be resistant to this and make a fuss, so you might as well get it out of the way now.

She should be pleased and proud that you've done so well and are so happy. That's all we can hope for as parents. If you're five hours away though, that's much too far to be dragging a child around. And equally, every day on the phone is just too much especially when the baby's here.Would it not be possible to Skype, say three times a week? Or would it be misused by her?