Confused and feel like a villan

[Sirpugsalot]

Hi, long time lurker, first time poster. Appreciate any genuine advise or viewpoints i receive. Apologies if my post is too l9ng. Ill keep it to the point.

Im a 33 yo male married to a 33yo female. We are both employed. She mkes 20% more than i do but i have a fixed 9-5 while she does shifts, weekends etc. So, really we make the same. Her job is a lot more stressful and emotionally draining than mine.
We have been married 4.5 years now and have known each other for 2 years before that. Im not her usual type and she is not my usual type either but we have similar views and goals and that brought us together.
We do have our differences- sexually she's very vanilla and has a higher sex drive. Im less vanilla and have a lower sex drive. I also suffer from ED. I think its a fair compromise- i cant perform very well which she resents while she's very closed minded which i resent. I think we have both made our peace there.
In terms of character, we are both stubborn and opinionanted and refuse to compromise. I have noticed over the years that i have given in and she has shaped me into what she likes- eg: i was active before but now we live a homebody lifestyle which she likes.
A few months ago we were pregnant and we were so happy but we lost it. The first pregnancy got us closer together.
Recently we had her mom and siblings come over for a month. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment and i like my space.
Her sister ripped us out of a large sum of money (10s of thousand dollars) and she is a free loader. That caused a lot of frictions between me n wife because she refuses to acknowledge this. Wife is a fool to family. We fought n fought but it is a source of continued tension- not the money per se but her refusal to acknowledge her sister is a scam artist who takes advantage of her.
The mother was another eye opener. My wifes parents dont have a good relationship. The dad is very hen pecked and he has just checked out from the family while still living there. The whole family blames him. This time, i realised how her mom is very stubborn too. Its her way or the highway. Very pleasent lady but only does what she wsnts. My whole house was rearranged and my wife just let it happen. I usually do larger part of the tidy up but let it be as i didnt want to make MIL feel unwelcome. I did and do resent my wife's lak of domestic responsibility though- both usually and when her mom was here. She cant cook to save her life and wont even try. At the same time she points a hundred faults with what i cook.
Anyway, getting to the point, i saw her mums stubborness in her and have reslised that slowly ive checked out of life too- ive given up on constsntly fighting for us to eat better, be smarter with our finances, buy a house etc- i dont see why i have to be the only responsible person. Ive just given up. We have another problem- when we argue, we ignore each other for a week at a time and then suddenly start talking to each other. When i saw her mother in her (who she is proud of btw), i realised my life as we get older would get worse. I was close to moving out just to think. However, we found out she is pregnant again. I havent said it and i wont but this was the worst time. I cant leave now and aborting is not an option. We found out a few days ago. We spoke for a day or two after and then started ignoring each other again as we got into another argument. I dont know what im asking except, do you think tjis marriage is a big mistake and what with your fresh pair of eyes are we doing wrong? Is what we are facing normal in a couple?

Wanted to add: our ignoring each other has gotten bad recently where we are missing important life milestones with friends or financial gains because we are too stubborn to talk with each other.

I think it sounds like a terrible marriage and it is likely that your wife will ultimately end up raising the child alone. I think you both need to be brutally honest while decisions can still be made about the pregnancy.

I think the marriage is a mistake. Either these traits were there but went unrecognised, they have developed since or you bring out the worst in each other. None of these scenarios is anything to be ashamed of it happens. I would end the marriage as amicably as possible. Try and stay friends. Each admit that life is more pleasant apart and make that happen. The DC need not suffer if you do it right. If you stay together and this crap carried on though it would be a nightmare for all concerned.

Of course you can leave. It doesn't sound like a very healthy environment to bring a child up in anyway! Just talk to her by in quiet momeñt and explain that you can't live like this, it would be best for both of you to separate, you will support her emotionally, practically and financially. And you do want the baby.

This might sound like an idiotic question, but are you sure it's ED and not that normal sexual contact just doesn't stimulate you?

Do you watch porn? Is that why you have ED and a dislike of regular sex?

You sound like you don't even like your wife, so just end it

You sound so resentful of your wife. That aside you sound like a complete mismatch and need to have a serious discussion about your future

Why don’t you end your marriage and enter the BDSM scene full-time?

And what's wrong with vanilla sex anyway?

To answer, no not a big porn consumer. Cause of ED is Medically diagnosed veinous leskage. I resen the fact that CIM is not an option. Feel rejected as i dont believe ots a big ask. As mentioned, we've made our peace.

Gloomymonday and thepollutedshades, thanks for the advise. Breaking up with a child involved is not what i want to do. Then again, giving it a unhealthy upbringing is slso not what i want to do. Its so hard. Wish there was some way for her to be more compromising.

Sirpugs you can't make her more compromising. If we heard her side I imagine she would feel she is doing all the compromising. You can't change other people's behaviour only your own.

If you want to make a go of it you can only try and talk to her and tell her how you are feeling. Why would you want to sty in a toxic relationship though? Especially with a child in the mix.

It’s hard for anyone else to say if this was a mistake. Only you really know how you feel. It sounds like you both need to learn to compromise. Can you try couples counselling - find a way to open the lines of communication without arguing. And learn to remember what you love and admire in each other. Working with a professional can help this - it’s baby steps but worth trying if you really both want o make this work. Good luck to you.

I am a big advocate of couples counselling when there are children involved, because I think you owe it to them to try absolutely everything before calling it a day.

But in your case, the marriage is so young, the baby isn't even here yet, and the incompatibility sounds so extreme, that it just feels like delaying the inevitable.

And I don't think it's fair to talk of her compromising. You shouldn't be trying to change her, you should love her just as she is. You are not talking about a couple of irritating habits she could break with effort, you are talking about a fundamental change in personality that she'd have to maintain for the rest of her life. And that's assuming that, down the line, other things don't start to irritate you instead.

You have to have this conversation soon. These boards are full of devastated dumped people who don't understand why their partner didn't speak up sooner.

It's usually women who are accused of wanting to change their man after marrying him, but in this case it's the OP who wants to change her! Why on Earth did you get married if there's so much you don't agree on? You can't go on like this for the next 40-50 years, can you? It was a mistake, face it.

I'd call it a day. It's all very negative and there's not one single mention of love in your post.

You haven't "made your peace" if you "resent" it though