What Next - Life after her Infidelity and so much damage

[Ishtak2000]

I posted an another thread about a man texting my wife and it turned into quite a narrative.

I thank you all so much for posting with useful comments that gave me the confidence to confront her with my suspicions - to keep posting here and going back to dig deeper.....until finally she admitted that she's been having an affair on and off for four years with a co-worker.

Our relationship has been very very difficult at times - with her trust broken due to my friendships with close female friends that she accused me of sleeping with. I never did.

I have been a really shitty partner - addicted to gambling, porn, work, detached from her - then got ill with depression, then my mum died and I fell further. I took her for granted, never drove in the 23 years we were together, didn't look after myself etc....but now over the past few months I've been learning to love myself again and attempted to reconnect - but it was too late.

In all that time I was suffering and in pain I was never really supported as when the going got tough she ran off to her emotional support - her AP as there was pain on her side too.

We have an autistic 14 year old son who is very violent towards us - he is always aggressive to his 10 year old brother so they have to be kept apart constantly.

Over the past year or so my partner has been getting angry over the smallest of things, hyper irritated and then over the last 6 months - really seriously gaslighting me. Now I realise she was being egged on by her AP. One night she asked me to bring our dc a snack at night time....it had been his birthday the night before and so I looked in the kitchen and gave him a slice of his birthday cake that was left....then she came running downstairs shouting at me asking me what I was giving him cake at night, did I think that was appropiate, this went on for about 20 minutes of me apologising and her attacking me again and again....

In retrospect there was a few incidents like that where suddenly she would appear and start attacking me verbally over a small error of judgement....I think she must have been texting her AP and he was telling her to go and give me shit - the narrative she gave him must have been that I was a really pathetic piece.....

So anyway, this was all after we moved house 6 months ago for a fresh start' yet as it turns out she has been seeing him during that time - and he got very angry recently when he found out about the house as she kept it from them....they had talked about a future together but then she bought the house with me and never told him.....

So now he's pushing her to leave me and I've just found out about their affair and now she's devastated and confused and I'm going at the moment for the 180 and deciding if there's anything after 23 years of being together to try and salvage.

I still feel in love with her as I was trying to reconnect and thought we were actually getting there...

Our relationship is very damaged.....so much of what we have dealt with together would be fatal for most people but we have plodded on....with no intimacy between us for 2.5 years - with massive stress and no time for each other...

2 years ago I was very cruel to her - I told her that it wasn't working, that it hadn't been for years, that I wanted a seperation - so I went wild for a month of two - going out taking drugs all night, flirting - but when the opportunities to sleep about arose I stopped...

my youngest son hugged me one day when I was at the house and I looked at him and my partner and looked at her and saw that I still wanted her, that I couldn't bear the thought of destroying my family and being single....that the grass wasn't greener and that she was worth more than anyone else...

in that time we worked back together - but she had this AP on back and forth - and then started to become more serious recently to the point where in arguments she told me she hated me, that she doesn't love me anymore....and I just thought probably because I was so used to so much damage that she was just sounding off, that it would be fine. I never saw the signs and I took her for granted.

What next?
We have both been shit partners to each other but we've both stayed together - this time though it's the crisis point.

I'm going away for a few days tomorrow to get some headspace
(found out on wednesday morning about the affair properly).

I do feel for you as obviously you realise what damage has been done, sometimes though it’s too late, however someone changes, you don’t feel the same, I think it’s for the best to separate and both get some clear space and see how things go

Thanks.
I just don't know how long it's been going on for, she claims that he's single and it's 4 years and that's the truth and he was single all that time.

What single guy would stay connecting with a married woman with children for 4 years???

I just wonder if it started years earlier and he was married and then they split and he came back again, I really don't know what to think.

Now I'm questioning all the times she said she was going to stay at her friends house and go walking in the afternoon with her - or when she went for the yearly spa weekend with her friends if it was really just one night and she stayed an extra one with her AP.

I'm questioning everything now in terms of how long it's really been and if he is just part of a partner of Emotional Affairs or full blown affairs and she's stayed with me for the financial and co parenting in that time.

I need to reflect and make a decision on what I want for me, what my future is to look like.

Counselling
I would normally say run after an indefelity.
But as you’ve said you’ve really given her crap one the years. She probably should have left you years ago as the way you’ve treated her sounds vile.
She shouldn’t of had an affair no way but it sounds like she went looking for support and not the sex tbh! And unfortunately that’s developed into more.
What a sad situation she’s had to deal with a lot over the years so it seems but equally you have eventually come out the other side after your addictions.
You left her and went wild. Although you didn’t cheat you took drugs and went on a big bender leaving her to think all sorts and especially after all the flirting I don’t blame her for thinking you also cheated.
The gaslighting is really shitty and damaging. She’s hugely frustrated and had to put up with so much so it’s going to come out in this way.
Your relationship may be beyond saving.
What has she said about it?
Will she stop seeing the other man?
She may feel confused as by doing that although for you to work she needs to but she loses her support. Sounds awful which is why it maybe broken. She like you said has put up with this for years and you left her and the children to go wild. What’s to stop you doing that again? If it was a mess of a year or two then I can see her more able to do this but as it’s been years I bet she’s lost all faith in you being stable.
This is no way for all of you and especially the children to live. The autistic son may feel the tension between you and can’t deal with it so therefore makes his agression worse.
If you both want to work on it seriously then you need counselling which in the end may help or you may realise that you still need to split.
I think there’s been so much damage done and it started before she cheated. And I’m not blaming you so to speak as you need help and obviously have issues. She choose to sleep with the man where it could of remained a friendship however some or you may of still seen it as an emotional affair as she talks to him in depth about your relationship.

It’s not just a case of she’s cheated do I forgive her. It’s so much more with your behaviour over the 23 years as my good that’s a lot of craziness. In this you are both to blame so you both need to work out if you have a future and if that’s what you really want. If you do you need to also forgive the affair and her to forgive the abandonment and other issues to have a clean slate so when you do have tiffs it doesn’t spew out as resentment and screw any work you have put into fixing the relationship.
Xx

I wrote on your other thread
You have caused each other untold damage over the years.
Can you really say that you love and respect each other, because it looks pretty hellish from the outside
I don’t know how she stayed with you through all of what you did. But we don’t know her side of the story.

To be honest I think perhaps you’re both codependent and living in a toxic environment which neither of you seems to want to break away from, I can tell you that this is not love.

Your post above with her staying for financial reasons and co parenting
Well sometimes people are stuck no excuse for affairs but with how you’ve been with addictions etc the financial stability would have been pretty scary and you in that state and leaving 2 years ago ..... co parenting? I’m only going on what you’ve said but you sound like most of the time you were out of it and not really all there for the children.
That post is all about the affair etc. It’s a shock and your getting caught up on the length. I’m not sure you will get over it tbh. She was wrong but I feel the way you’ve been in the 23 years sounds awful and I don’t know either of you but you basically neglected her she probably didn’t go looking for an affair but 23 years of uncertainty financially etc wow that’s insane during which time you’ve had children so she would be tied to you and wanted it to work.

you've been admittedly a totally crap partner and parent over the years.

What can you offer to change her mind ?

To be honest, if I was totally trapped and felt I had no way out, it’s highly likely I would have had an affair in these circumstances

Just to clarify, the addiction issues - particularly gambling started about 5 years ago when I started a new intense job and overworked - then gambled to deal with the stress.

The drug issues were weekends really - late nights etc and that was really a few months around 2 years ago.

I earn a good wage and have always been stable - just the past 5 years have been tough and then a bad spell for a few months around 2 years ago.

The gambling continued in spells and intensified for a few months earlier in the year and I finally stopped now - with no relapse in 4 months.

I always had enough money to pay the bills - as I was earning £2200 a month - and as I paid most of the bills - which at times came to £1600 a month (we were renting to move into an area for high school purposes - and kept our old house to rent it out - except she refused to have a lot of people in it so we never made any money....now I'm thinking she made excuses for it to be empty so she could go there with her lover).

This is a bit above my paygrade - but I would suggest counselling - not as a silver bullet to try and rescue your marriage - but more to negotiate what your new relationship will look like.

A kid with special needs means your lives will be intertwined for many years to come - so you need to arrive at a new reality. Whether that's a romantic relationship or amicable (but divorced) co-parents is for you to decide between you.

It's not clear what your wife wants to do - she probably suspects the other man won't last when exposed to the reality of co-parenting a special needs child.

Last advice - don't let her choose you because the alternatives look too hard. She needs to be 100% in or 100% out.

At the moment I'm questioning how honest she's been with the information she's told me so far. I have the name of the AP and she claims he's single...I found his info and job details online and told her I knew where he worked and that he has a partner. She claimed it wasn't him. Then a few hours later that persons profile picture came down.

So much is still being hidden as she's protecting her AP....4 years might turn into 8 years....or 12 years....and then I might need to get a paternity kit...I did mention that to her and she completely freaked out....which makes me even more concerned.