Coping mechanisms when you feel like the black sheep

[Shampoolife]

None of my family have time for me. I mostly feel like utter shit when I am around them. There are some moments of enjoyment but mostly i feel like the odd one out.

I’m mid thirties now and thought these feelings would fade. They haven’t. My parents still have a horrible hold over how I feel and I can’t ever trust them emotionally.

If we have cross words it is me who calls in tears and wants to sort it out - they will answer the phone laughing away as if nothing has happened.

I’m in the toilets in tears at work because I feel so hurt by their behaviour.

How do you cope with this and live a happy life?

You feel like the odd one out here because they have treated you like that (probably as well since childhood) to date and as a result make you feel that way. Its not you, its them at fault here and they did this harm to you. Its not your fault they are like this. Sadly such people like family members who choose to make others a scapegoat within the family structure do not change. They are not interested in your tears nor wanting to work things out; in their heads its your fault always and that's that. They need you to blame and they need you far more than you need them. You are probably also still searching for their approval, approval they will never give.

If you have siblings do you notice that they are treated differently to you?.

All you can do is limit all forms of contact with them down to a point of zero and live well without them in your day to day life. Consider also finding a counsellor or therapist to work with, this person should have NO familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got.

Please read and post too on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. There are some good resources on there too.

I'm currently at my parents for two days and have had to take the DD's it for the afternoon. Due to the constant negativity from my mum in particular.
I try to tune it out as much as possible but I end every visit with them exhausted from being too stressed to speak to fear of what negative thing my mum will say in response. I'm quite low contact with them now...largely because she's started on the DD's now a bit where she was to be fair previously great with them.

My sibling is seen as the calmer, ‘normal’ one. They all talk about me behind my back, I’ve heard them many times.

As I child I used to play up massively and was probably a nightmare teen. I never felt like I had my parents attention I suppose.

Is any of this being a scapegoat though?

I’m surprised I have reached this age and feel deep sadness that I can’t shake. I have good friends but it doesn’t replace what i needed in a family.

I realised recently that they invited me to things that they knew I wouldn’t be able to make. The truth is they couldn’t care less if I am with them. It hurts.

Stately Homes threads on here, and check out some of the reading recommendations?

Nigel I can’t say as I have found my parents to be negative really, in fact they love their life, just don’t seem to care if I am part of it.

If I ask anything of them - like whether they want to visit me, one of them ‘isn’t well’ and then they’ll jet off on their next trip.

It’s a strange feeling of being alone and trampled on. I want their affection but I also hate being around them. It’s messed up.

What’s stately homes? I can’t see a thread?

Long running threads on here, this section, about dysfunctional families, lots of wise posters and reading recommendations.

Its not you, its them. You grew up within an emotionally unhealthy family structure. People from such emotionally dysfunctional toxic families end up playing roles; your role here is one of scapegoat. Your siblings are more favoured generally. Look at your parents here in all this as well, who is enabling who here to do this. Is your father enabling your mother for instance?. Are your parents still together?.

I would also think you were not a nightmarish teen either; you just wanted their attention which they never gave you.

There is no law to say you have to spend any amount of time with people who you feel uncomfortable with or about.

Have bumped the current stately homes thread for you.

Oh no they aren't negative about anything else except me! I can't do anything right. My siblings on the other hand...
I was also a nightmare teen which I think was me attention seeking. They've never forgiven me for it.
It eased off when I was married and the kids were young as they doted on them. My marriage ended (badly not totally due to me) and they have been so non supportive.
I identify with the loneliness. It's a really hole in my life. I've got lots of friends and a nice boyfriend now-But I still like a failure as my family don't seem to like me all that much.

Was about to write a very similar post. My father died from a long illness last year and two relatives were absolute shits to me near the end (one has always been hot and cold with me for years - total mind f*ck). I completely lost it, and now I am considered the one causing issues because I have cut contact. Apparently I am 'not a happy person' and I have took it out on them. They don't feel they did anything wrong and stand by what they did, because it was to protect their family. I did point out that am I not family too?

When I try to explain my side to family members, people back off. I was the only family member not to be invited to their house this Christmas. I feel like I have been put in a naughty corner.

I really really want to move on, but no idea how to do it. I know it's them not me. It is a toxic environment, but they are my family and I feel really sad that not only have I lost my dad but also his whole family. So just saying I know how you feel. Any tips for moving my mind forward would be grateful...I will look at the stately homes thread too.

My parents support each other no matter what. I can’t have a proper conversation with either of them without the other’s involvement.

I’ve always been marked as a difficult child. Earliest memory at 5 was my mum telling an aunt that I was a nightmare problem child whereas my sibling was talented and focused.

Eslte so sorry to hear that and i hope you are ok.

I’ve also been told by family repeatedly that I’m a miserable person. Strange as my friends think I’m good fun and regularly want to meet.

It feels really lonely doesn’t it.

Ah I totally understand! My parents would always close ranks if I was 'difficult' and a 'control freak'. I used to hear conversations all the time about how bad I was. The one good thing about my dad's illness was that he acknowledged near the end he had been hard on me.

As pp have stated, I think we both need to grieve the relationship we really wanted, and find a way to accept the one we have now. (I'm saying this to you but know how difficult that is to come to terms with). That's how I have felt this Christmas....lonely. I have a lovely husband and daughter, yet I feel lonely. I can't wrap my head around that one at all....wish I could!!!

I've decided to keep my circle small and work on myself (however I can do that! lol). If I have people who care around me, it will help me to feel stronger....here's hoping anyway!